Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I want to wear my sandals. I want to go out to lunch. I want to be normal again.

I tend to agree with you about the snooping, it's not something I think I could bring myself to do. Especially as I sometimes have a tendency to be a little insecure (something I work on). Much as I don't particularly care for Dr. Phil, I do tend to agree with that statement. Myself, I'm an open book, I leave everything open on my desktop, mail laying all over, my phone calls are there for the listening, etc.

One thing I was curious about, though, was the part about the emotional infidelities of online relationships, whether men and women do tend to see them differently. I know that while some online flirtation is ok (within boundaries), if I feel it's become too intimate, I definitely have a problem. Most of my guy friends, though, tend to see it as just a casual, friendly kind of thing, essentially meaningless and harmless, regardless of the depth of the intimacy. They are just being "nice" while I might see it as taking things past a comfortable (for me) boundary.

*sigh* again with no one to talk to

This is long but interesting, wondering other's thoughts on the various issues brought up.

Why you should snoop on your spouse online
Sex therapist Ian Kerner says it might be painful, but it’s better to know
By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Sex therapist and relationship counselor
TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 3:38 p.m. ET, Thurs., Sept . 17, 2009
After writing a column last month on the subject of Facebook and why you should unfriend your spouse, I received no shortage of e-mails — many of which were from people who vehemently disagreed with me — and so I thought it would be worthwhile to address the subject of Internet infidelity in greater depth.

While I was trying to make the point that too much familiarity can be bad for a relationship, and that social networking sites like Facebook sometimes bring a degree of proximity (and banality) into relationships that works against the sense of mystery we also need to cultivate, many thought I was saying that Internet infidelity is not a real threat and that we should turn a blind eye to our partner’s digital wanderings.

Quite the contrary, I think that Internet infidelity is one of the biggest issues that couples face today, and with digital technology increasingly playing a role in divorce, we have to be all the more vigilant. The Internet is still a relatively new technology and there isn’t a clear relationship rule book on how to use it. In many situations, snooping isn’t a pleasant choice, but it’s the right choice.

Is emotional infidelity worse than sex?
Like cell phones and hotel rooms, the Internet is a facilitator of infidelity, rather than a direct cause of it, but it’s increasingly a catalyst for a particularly pernicious strain of cheating: emotional infidelity.

Emotional infidelity often takes the form of a flirty friendship with someone of the opposite sex, in which many of the characteristics of a sexual relationship are present, but without the sex. At least, for the moment. According to the late Shirley Glass, whose book “Not Just Friends” still remains the classic treatise on the subject: “Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry. Emotional affairs can be more threatening than brief sexual flings.”

Glass also implores us to “maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.” But with the threat of the Internet, it’s not just windows and walls we need to worry about, it’s also leaks and seals. The No. 1 danger of Internet infidelity is not that it could lead to actual sexual infidelity, but that it so easily diverts precious emotional resources away from one’s core relationship. With its quick hits of newness and novelty, the Internet enables us to easily tune out and turn off to our partners, when we should be making an effort to tune in and turn on.

So back to the question, what do you do when your gut is telling you that’s something wrong? Should you snoop? I personally believe that in a committed relationship there should be nothing to hide. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect your partner’s privacy, but I think that that respect first and foremost demands a foundation of trust. As an example, I have one password for all of my various e-mail accounts and my wife knows what it is. Does she ever use it? I doubt it, but she’s welcome to sift through my e-mails anytime she likes. That’s what trust is all about: having nothing to hide and being able to respect each other’s privacy. One can’t exist without the other.

To snoop or not to snoop?
But what about when trust is not a given in your relationship, and you’re worried that your partner might be engaging in behaviors that you’d consider inappropriate?

Before you snoop or dig around, ask yourself a few questions:

Does your spouse spend way too much time on the computer and other digital devices such as a cell phone or smart phone? Is he/she secretive about it? For example, is your spouse comfortable leaving his/her Facebook page or e-mail open when not at the computer?


Is your spouse in touch with former flames or members of the opposite sex via a social networking site such as Facebook? If so, does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like you don’t know what’s going on, that these “friendships” aren’t out in the open?


Does your partner call you paranoid when you bring up the subject and insist on his/her right to privacy?


Is your spouse a flirt when you’re out in public?


Has your sex life changed as of late (as in you’re having less of it)?


Does your partner criticize or joke at your expense when you’re out in public or make negative comments about your relationship to others?


Is your gut telling you that something’s wrong?

Depending upon how you answered these questions, it might be time to snoop, especially if you’ve tried to talk about your concerns with your partner but have been stonewalled. Hopefully there will be nothing to discover and you’ll be able to breathe more easily and more coolly examine why you had suspicions and where you might be able to improve your relationship.

But it’s also possible that you could find something that bothers you, but doesn’t bother your spouse. Emotional infidelity is murky territory. A 2008 study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy explored how men and women perceive online and offline sexual and emotional infidelity. The results showed that men felt sexual infidelity was more upsetting and women felt emotional infidelity was more upsetting.

That means that there’s lots of room for disagreement on this subject of emotional infidelity and that many men do not think a flirtatious friendship constitutes cheating. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t an issue. Just because your spouse isn’t interested in taking a flirtatious friendship to the next level doesn’t mean the other party feels the same way, and he may not even realize he’s down the path of emotional infidelity.

Nobody likes to be snooped on, but nobody likes to snoop either. Neither position has the moral high ground, and ultimately a loving couple can make themselves stronger and better through a meaningful dialogue around these issues. This could be the opportunity to establish definitions and set boundaries that you both agree on.

And what if you find something that really bothers you, like a seriously flirtatious friendship or proof of sexual infidelity?

It’s painful, but better to know than not, in my opinion. Be glad that you snooped

All I can say is give yourself time, things will get better

I read about this, didn't think anything of it. Islam is a peaceful, loving, spiritual religion, and those who live it have gotten a really bad reputation because of the extremist actions of a few. What I find hypocritical is that when extremist Christians become violent, while it's maybe not "ok," it is more "acceptable" and the whole religion is not villified. Christians have wreaked more havoc over the course of history than any other group.

A day of peace and prayer isn't going to kill anyone and this is a way for people who can open their minds long enough to maybe learn a little something about people who may be "different." Though, if anyone actually bothers to read past the political rhetoric, they would find that Islam and Christianity are far closer ideologically than they may care to admit.

Some of my best friends and family members are Muslim and they are some of the most caring, generous, tolerant and good people I know.

Good luck! Please teach your class (a) not to cook the eggplant to mush and (b) use fresh oil! Nothing worse than soggy, mushy greasy eggplant parmesan

AND BEING OK WITH WHO YOU ARE


Being ok with who you are only comes after. But, if you do it right, that's how you come out of the tunnel. For many, including myself, it took quite a lot of counseling before I could come to terms with certain things. It's not an easy process but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Hiya ((Mikey))

How's everything? I've been meaning to ask you, have you been getting all the stuff about the cruise, the confirmation and news letters from the travel agent?

every step ive takin in life i used to be angry and question why... instead of looking at it as an opportunity to learn grow and become a stronger person. i see that now and look at things as possible learning experiences instead of sayin this sucks,why me, my happieness has increased doing this


For most people, it does. Sometimes, it takes a catastrophe to change your thinking. Sometimes, it's just a matter of getting sick of being unhappy all the time. But in all cases, it takes growing up enough to take the responsibility for your life, good, bad, and indifferent. Owning your decisions, owning things that happened and understanding how you are the only person who is responsible for how you feel and what you do with your life.

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

Exactly. We as humans choose how we react to certain things and situations. Yes, we go through some bad stuff, stuff that is horrendous. But we have the choice to find something positive or to wallow in the negative forever.

I wouldn't say ignore, ignoring what's going on doesn't really help at all, it just delays the inevitable. But learning how to cope, how to carry it and how to acknowledge it happened, acknowledge how it affected you and leave it in the past, that's better, I think. The past will sometimes rear its ugly head, but once you've learned how to put it in perspective, it gets easier to put it back where it belongs.

Still at work, still bored, still no one here to talk to. *sigh*

I don't know what the figures are or where they get them from. But, at least if they're going to have a fine, base it on income, a sliding scale of some sort. There are many, many people in this country who make far less than the established middle class figure of $50,000.

Frankly, I just don't think it's right. If they want to force people into insurance, then they should pay for it. Which again begs the question, who pays and how?

While I am not against universale affordable healthcare for all, I do believe the government is going about it way too fast, with not nearly enough thought and they are being very short-sighted. Just shoving something through so you can say you did it isn't the answer.

Frankly, I wonder what the point would be? I think that if people could afford it, they'd already have health insurance. How are you going to penalize those who can't afford it by charging them a fine on top of it? How are they supposed to pay? Because, let's be honest here, I have my doubts as to whether the government's definition of affordable is the same as my own. They live in a rarified world where everything is provided for them. Most politicians don't have a clue what it takes to survive on minimum wage or slightly more.

I understand that, I would be too. But ultimately, whether he does or doesn't and for whatever reason, it's his choice and his responsibility. He can only assign you blame if you choose to take the blame and responsibility. Seriously, he sounds as if he has other problems, normal people do not commit suicide over a breakup.