Ok.. Break out the Sledge Hammers and the Crime Quad.. Time to Rate my Profile..

PS: Sorry about that wierd guy on the profile, He came with it!!

On wisdom, Confucius say...

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!

Man stuck in pantry have *** in jam.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Man who behaves like an *** will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.

Confucius say too damn much.


On hygiene, Confucius say...

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep ****.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.


On sex, Confucius say...

Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.

Man with hand in pocket feel**** all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man kicked in testicles left holding bag.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.

Hole happy, whole body happy.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

Man who plays with self, pulls boner.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.

Girl who have red hair have red hair, by cracky.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who suck woman's tit make clean breast of things.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. And Mrs. Blank retired, Mrs. Blank insisted her husband (Fred)
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Blank was like most men--he found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Blank was like most women--she loved to
browse.

One day Mrs. Blank received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart.


Dear Mrs. Blank,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you
from the store.
Our complaints against Mr. Blank are listed below and are documented by
our video surveillance cameras.


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
’Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.’

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on
layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a ’CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ’Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ’Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ’Madonna look’
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled ’PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed ’OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least...

15.. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, ’Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’


Regards, Walmart

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a
pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them
and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope.

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!" Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat,
Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

For some reason, I have an urge for Sushi...

How about this??

Hard to beleive I am still single.. Maybe I need a new aftershave??

It's not difficult to make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

AND IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
AND
* arrangements she makes

A retired man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Denver , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Rapid City, SD. That's about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."

Thank you.. The only thing funnier than my jokes, Is me wearing a pair of shorts!!!

Hey.. That was not Johnny.. That was me!!!

Poor little Johnny

More?? Sure.. One more round...

Lets Bring this one back as well.. Enjoy..

Brought it Back For More Laughs...

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY ARYTHMIC.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ***.
He develops a case of ANAL-CAPITAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

Some of the most common pregnancy questions and the corresponding answers. :)

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: What is the most common craving during pregnancy?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: I'm seven weeks pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the diaper very quickly.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why is this?
A: Because you're fatter then they are.

Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A: Your therapist.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.

Where did you fine my year book Picture???

Brought it Back For More Laughs...

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat,his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...

So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy! '

'And here I am.'