humans are diverse and quick to make every similar situation into the
SAME situation ignoring details

I believe all people can change, This was not a habitual or constant thing over the years we were together but an ISOLATED incident, but todays cliches would put my ex in the same detested category as all men that have ever laid hands on a woman

the details matter, if someone is beat up on a 'regular basis' its unlikely that assailant will change without something else changing him,, and that starts with LEAVING but doesnt require staying gone under some assumption that they are irreperably terrible and unable to grow or change

some are just terribly abusive and some are terribly damaged themselves, there are a range of DETAILS that make one situation different from the next


I do look, which is why I married someone who I loved and loved me, and why when we both snapped that evening, I cared enough to take space and give him space so we could both really explore what was happening in our relationship and WORK towards making it better

but today, people dont equate relationships with work, and such a notion seems unreasonable to them when just leaving FOREVER and villifying is so much easier

Violence includes but is not limited to physical abuse...

The gas lighting mentioned is much much worse... It causes the victim to be in conflict with themselves, and the doubt that ensues further empowers the abuser, since the victim is now in doubt if there was abuse taking place to begin with.

That is most likely the reason that abusers are not reported or criminally convicted, to begin with.

The longer and more elaborate the information becomes twisted by the manipulator, the more difficult it is for the victim to report such incidences. In the end, the manipulator moves on to the next target, without so much as a slap on the wrist.

In the end, it is about the maintaining control while controlling someone else. The first to lose control -- usually the victim, ends up being looked down on, laughed at, mocked, ignored, or even identified as the person with the problem. While the abuser just watches and is entertained by everything unfolding, and only has to keep appearances and pretend to be something that they are not. Those who are equally entertained by such a vile disregard of and atrocities against human dignity and worth, are no less guilty of such crimes of violence...even when they are not charged or convicted by a court of law, and regardless their position in society.

no humans do not change, they will always have flaws,, those flaws arent 'abuse' coming out in different ways

we seperated for reasons that were about trust, not violence or abuse on any level

the thread was pretty specifically about VIOLENCE
the use of physical force to harm someone

does abuse only count if bones are broken? I had one busted lip and two black eyes,, whatever significance that has,,,,

odd, since the definition is straight from websters and I have personally lived through just the type of 'change' that the op asked about

abuse: physical maltreatment


so an abuser is one who uses physical maltreatment,, there is no mandate that they do it forever or never stop

everyone can change

well, yes, I had no more right and was no more justified to be poking him than he had to hit me,, my vagina doesn't excuse my part

but

who said I didnt leave? the question was do you trust someone can or has changed,,for me the answer was yes

we seperated while he got himself together, and then he had a second chance because he had obviously changed

My ex used gaslighting and was very good at it. I mostly would come back with facts because he twisted the truth so much. I got loud and did my share of cussing. I have only defended myself. I don't like drama or being angry or hurt

most say that you the victim antagonized them in some way
that you asked for it or had it coming
that if you had just kept your mouth shut and been sweeter and did what they said it never would have come to this


abuse can be more than just getting punched or kicked or having a chair thrown at you or choked

it can be not allowing you to leave, taking your keys, your purse
it can be controlling you so that you do not have access to a car, a phone or the bank account
separating you from your friends and family
isolating you so that you are easier to control
it can be saying mean and insulting things to you such as
you are stupid, fat or ugly as a way of undermining your self esteem
keeping track of your every move


all the while telling you that they have what is best for you in mind

I dont buy McDonald's goof . but does that just come In One size ?