I tend to be a bit of a workaholic, but in my down time I'm a huge movie buff, who enjoys red wine(usually Italian), dining out, writing, and quiet evenings in. I also love camping (even though I admit to being an "ewwww bug" pathetic girl) and fishing (lol...though again I have to admit I will NEVER take a fish off the line) I'm a hopless romantic. I believe that one should never go out searching for love, because you never find what you are looking for by searching... My favorate moments in life have always come when I was least expecting them, and these moments live inside me like a treasured photo album that calms my soul and makes me realize what is really important in life...a book that teaches me to reach out to the horizon of life's endless posibilities. I find that if you simply plant seeds, if it is meant to be, it will flurish and grow on it's own...be it a friend I would miss even if I had never met them, a lover, or something much more special and rare. I'm simply looking for friends at the moment, because I'm currently in a relationship. I want to find someone who likes movies, writing, photography and history to laugh with...and if you do like camping and fishing...to laugh at me. If you are searching for a relationship, please don't waste your own time, I'm not looking to hurt any one's feelings. If things change I'll let you all know. If you can't be my best friend and lover at the same time, you can never be my soul mate, and so I tend to take things slowly. I'm just not that kind of girl. I'm just looking for friends at the moment, for to do things right you have to start at the begining. Send me a line if all of this whispers to something in you hiding quietly below the surface, behind the heart, deep inside your soul....good friends are the reason to live, and so they tend to be difficult to find... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX To my Comet: As I walked alone tonight, a comet flashed across the sky. A light so bright it blinded me, and almost made me cry My heart skipped a beat, then stopped, I had to question why? And though my mind said friendship...my heart thinks mayhap I lied This soul I fear is kindered, but it isn't free to take Still I feel that I've been sleeping, and that with his kiss I'd wake I watch castles that I've built, slowly turn to dust I feel a soul tug deep inside which I know is more than lust Oh comet dearest, shining bright, up in this dark night's sky Will you fall for me tonight...or will you p me by? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I wait by an ocean, the waves by my side The moon ore my head casts a shadow, I hide I pray in the darkness that you're not alone Though your off at war, and far from your home My heart sends a becon, it's quiet yet strong And I hope in the distance that you hear it's song For a star fell this night, so a wish I could make I wished that for Christmas, your sorrow to take That you may know peace and joy on that day Though I know when it comes you'll be far away Know you're close to my heart, and in every thought and that is the gift which cannot be bought XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Wracked with pain, my life goes on My heart insane, my dreams are gone And yet I weave, and yet I feel And yet believe that love is real Beyond the mist, beyond the haze A heart still kissed , a mind still crazed Winding, turning, running, lost Never learning caring costs Smiling heartaches, without tears My simple beauty hides my fears While in the night a mournful cry My daylime vistage mocking, denies XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX As I sit here tonight, my mind's eye travels back through time, to a painful past. There, a light was born, a soul once torn asunder, came togeather, and true joy was formed on a secret beach away from prying eyes. There, we grew togeather, learned togeather, and became one. There, in the sunlight of a distant childhood, the clouds of deciet suddenly covered the sun and blocked out all light, till there was nothing left but heartbreak and tears. There, the clouds turned black as deciet caused my heart to turn from love toward duty. There, to late, I saw through the darkness, and as my tears fell, the clouds opened up to show the world my sorrow. There, my cries were scilenced by the thunder, and my words went unheard. There, I followed him into the void, with the promice to find him somewhere in the future. Now here, in the future, blinded by a mist of time, I see a light in the distance. Here, each day as this light grows stronger, the sun starts to dry up the rain that fell so long ago. Here, the clouds are pushed back by fate, and the secret beach, now safe again, attempts to bring two souls back togeather. Here, where new hope shines brighter than the darkness of deciet, the past begins to fade from view. Here is all that matters. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Soul Pool Wandering last night I came upan a cave in this forest of mine, and being in an adventurous mood, I decided to venture in. The moonlight shining through the entrance made the once dull rock walls, shimmer like crystal, which beconed for me to continue in. Onward I walked, Leaving my friend the moon far behind, venturing into the darkness. There was no fear in this strange cave, no urge to run back to the enterance, just an overwhelming need to travel onward. And so I traveled for a long time through the blackness, and I came to a giant cavern flooded with light from the moon coming through a hole in the ceiling. A small lake was in the center of this cavern, my old friend the moon glowing off of it, cascading around the room...and I sighed. This is right...this is peace. This is that special place which I have been searching for. I sat down and watched for hours as the moon and lake got togeather and put on a show for me...and eventually fell asleep in this peaceful place. Tonight, when I awoke...I expected this magic place to be gone...but it was still here...and it had not changed a bit. Thirsty, I wandered to the pool to cool my throat...and stopped in shock. My reflection was not as it should be. It was not even me. I moved my arm...the man there in my reflection, moved his. I laughed, he did. Who is this man...this man so like me in every way? My soul looked across time and space and in this pool of magic I saw not me, but my other half. I stared into my own soul, shining out of his eyes, and for the first time in my life knew true contentment. I saw the longing which lives in my heart, flow from his eyes, and reached my hand out to him. Closer and closer I got to him...the joy was overwhelming...I had finally found the person I have always been looking for. A foot away...an inch...and then I reached him...and my hand skimmed the surface of the lake. For an instant, I felt his hand touch mine, and knew true serenity...then there was nothing there but water, and the ripples I caused in the water broke our connection and I was, again, alone...alone, but hopeful...12/21/07 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I wait in the dark of night..for a word...a single word...to tell me that you are still there...that you are still mine. I'm quietly, patiently, waiting to find out the answer to a single question. Why? Why do you haunt me. Your eyes gaze deep into my soul. I know you...and yet we have never met. How do I know you...where from? I have never seen your face, but your eyes...my love, your eyes are older than that. They speak to me of a million lives. I half remember your arms around me, your lips softly brushing mine in the dark of night on a faraway moonlit beach...I know you...I remember you...but how? And why?12/17/07 I wandered tonight, in the dark and the rain...to feel the wind on my skin. It crossed my mind what people would see if they looked out into the darkness to find me walking in solitude. Would they see someone lost and depressed? Or maybe someone who may be a bit crazy? The few...the very few would understand the peace to be found alone in the dark...walking as the sky opened up as though just for you. The childish joy of knowing that the puddles are lonely and longing to be jumped in. My mind wandered, even as my feet did. Why is it that we are asked by society to give up these small joys in life to conform to the norm? Is life even worth living without knowing the feeling of rain falling across your face? Without taking the time out to invite someone in out of the rain just to have coffee and chat for a few in the dead of night? Without having the joy of seeing everything as though for the first time? Why is it that we are all taught to grow up...to give up these things? Things like cocoa, naptime, puddle-jumping, coloring pictures for no reason, laughing when no one is there to hear you, singing at the top of your lungs even though your voice is horrible...why oh why would anyone ever want to leave these things behind? Am I alone in this knowledge that the small childish joys, are the ones that make life worth living?12/16/07 Alone in the night I wander again, following the breadcrumb trail which leads to my happiness. Worry still nags at my soul. What if before the sun is fully up the birds eat away all the crumbs? What if I lose the trail? Am I making the right decision...following the right path? Ignoring all the doubt and pain which haunt my heart from past sunsets, I gather the courage to walk on, trusting fate once more to leave her crumbs for me to follow in the moonlight. I can see it now. The sun starting to rise up over the horizon. The sky is begining to turn the dawn's beautiful shades of vibrant reds and oranges... I know which path to follow, and my heart is lighter than before. If the sun continues to rise...I may make it into the daylight yet...I have to have faith that the day must follow the dawn. 12/04/07 Wandering through a life shadowed by longings and wishes for things that cannot be. My soul pulls at me begging, begging for you...but I ignore it. It must be wrong-I cannot have you. I know this. I close my eyes to my heart's longing dreams....close my eyes to block out the yearning of my soul...and yet I see. You. Always you. A dear friend. But tonight with the moon to brighten my secret heart...I say the truth out loud to ears to far away to hear me... I love you. I yearn for your arms to hold me close. I saw you in my mind and this world's madness slipped away, and for the first time in so long I knew true peace. Then, I realized that I had allowed myself to hope, if even for an instant that maybe...just maybe it could be...and now I am lost. Lost to my wishes. Lost to my dreams. Lost in the knowledge that I am yours...and opening my eyes to the moon, I cry...for, in being yours...I find myself alone... Wandering lost through a midnight maze, my soul defeated, lies down crying tears of anguished sorrow. The moon above whispers stories of hope to late at jaded ears deafened by the shattering of a million hearts. A lone wolf howls through the distant fog and a shiver runs down my spine. Amist the shadow darkened trees I stay, drownding in a river of regret. The fog creeps closer-it's damp chill carresses my hidden face, but I am agony numbed and cannot feel. The stars above whisper of dreams and wonder, but my soul in disbelief turns away from above and I close my eyes against the lights, surrendering to the broken night. The solitary moon shines bright across a sky devoide of stars, shimmering it's promices across the vast darkness of an endless ocean cloaked in deepest black. I sit, eyes glazed, staring into eturnity. A lone figure on a deserted beach. The hours slowly p me by, turning a blind eye to my pain as the night's candle burns across the sky. As the waters of an early tide rise to greet me halfway across the sand, a peace begins to enter my tormented soul. Off in the distance, there is a new dance beginning. I watch in awe as the rose and fire of first light waltz gracefully across the sky's palate, effortlessly battling the blackest thoughts of the darkest night. A flute of yellows and golds begin to swirl around them as a stage of intricate clouds slowly becomes visible to my once glazed eyes. The soft piano harmony of sea life begins to join in the show, quietly at first...the swish of a tail...then growing with the splash of a white tipped wave and the call of a gull. My sorrow, now but a wisp of smoke from the night's dying candle is blown away on the first wisp of the sea's morning breeze as a dolphin rises high above the distant blue water in a hopefull plea of childish joy...ONCORE!!!! The pheonix reborn. The future burns. A tiny bird which cannot yet fly perches on a pile of ashes which acts as it's nest. It knows it's wings need yet to grow before it can fly--but in knowing it cannot yet fly, it glows, knowing simply it will someday fly-live-love-burn to ashes, and be reborn. It knows this and smiles, for the fear has burned away. It smiles because it is alive, and today is a new day..... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I'm on a journey across a sea of waves and foam My soul is lost and weary on it's journey for it's home Some haven it can turn to in this dark confusing haze A becon which could show it the conclusion to this maze for one wrong turn could lose me from here to siren's home leaving me to drift forever lost at sea to roam How long can one stay anchored here-thunder deaf and lightning blind? Before the world continues on, forever leaving me behind... Terror closes in as the storm of heart grows stronger, I fear without a guiding light I can't hold on much longer My reason wars with logic and my logic wars with heart I know before this storm is over, I will be torn apart XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX This day I've found true beauty - a rare light from which the darkness faded Turning me from throns and walls into a girl not jaded. I'm not sunblind, nor am I deaf...I know that pain will follow... but each day I'm blessed with his shining light makes that pill easy to swallow. And so I strive to be more than I am, I can't believe how much I've grown I need to give more than I get, and yet I'm not afraid to be alone. This miricle who holds me high, heals a wound that scared my soul and I know that when the day's sun sets that my heart will be left whole for I've never been more blessed, never seen true beauty till this day and the light that fills my heart this morn, when darkness falls I know will stay. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The weeping willows bow their heads As the lazy river wanders by The tired breezes gently p And the daylight leaves the sky A lovely day turned lovely eve While silent drowsy clowds drift by Oh, darling river wandering past- Tell me why the willows cry Have they seen inside my soul Where my heart is torn and sad? Do they see my tears, unshed- Remembering what I had? It lifts my heart a tiny bit To know at least they care I feel their presence, comforting For my agony, they share Willows, do you weep with me as the darkness closes in? I'm not alone then, not as scared... Although my heart still breaks within. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The world stopped spinning and my heart just grew The pieces melded, and I suddenly knew... that the shadows had faded when the silence grew loud and my heart once so broken, took flight to a cloued My heart started racing - my hands grew suddenly cold as I stared for a moment at those words shining bold A hand crossed the distance, playing no games, he gave the world in a gesture - now nothing's the same... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I am the one who lives forever, the one who never dies The one who never laughs, the one who never cries The one who knows all creatures, and the one all creatures hate The one who has no bloodline, the one who has no fate I am the one all creatures come to when they p through time The one they finally smile at - the one they leave behind The one who has no heart, yet it finds a way to break The one doom doesn't care about, the one all hope forsakes I am the endless pillar, I hold up the human race The one who has no body, the one who has no face The one all creatures fear, and the one who is afraid The one who works forever, the one who always pays I am the one who lives forever, the one who never dies The one that tears don't touch, the one whose heart has cried The one who makes them smile, the one who makes them scream The one and only creature to whom death is but a dream Who want's to live forever? Not me - Dear Lord - NOT ME!! Signed Death XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX In quiet rooms I hide my tears I hide a heart that's breaking A dreamers weave slowly unfurls and vanishes in waking The dream so sweet 'twas bitter A heart nieve was blind And in the dawn's sweet beauty, Dearer beauty's left behind. The weave is gone, forgotten, no longer can be seen except in the dreamer's memory, where it will live eturnally XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I'll be your light through darkness - take my hand I'll guide you And if the shadows search you out - I'll comfort and I'll hide you I'll bring friendship to your lonely soul - and laughter to your eyes I'll show you that along your path - not all bow out with good-bye So, take my strength, I've been there - some days I am there still Togeather we'll get through this night and by sheer force of will Bring hope within our jaded souls - conquer our painful pasts And prove that in the worst of storms - the moon still shines steadfast XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX They hide in the corners, these demons that dwell They lurk in the shadows, reminding of hell They are fragments of moments, of pion and fear They're what lock me away from all I hold dear Demons of doubt, remorse, and regret Which I've no strength to fight, defend, or forget From out of the shadows steps a dragonfire knight Who sets out to conquer and win back the light- To bring higher the sun, so no corner's unlit To bring peace to my soul and to help me forget. He asks for no treasure, nor payment for deeds He claims that a smile is all that he needs He's a soul that shines bright, so selfless and pure He lends me the strength to continue-endure Though the path that I travel may be winding and long He fills it with sunshine, with his sholder, a song From his fire the demons of shadows must flee With but a smile, I've a hope that I may be set free That the demons wont win, and the shadows wont loom That my path may end in love, instead of just doom. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX My heart skips a beat at what I've won and what I've lost A part of me's missing, but I guess that's the cost Of living a dream and knowing true peace Of bowing surrender as though surrender's release My breath is now laggered, though it's out and it's in I still go on moving as I know I begin The living a half life with strange haunted eyes Still I reach for a dream that I know is denied I can still feel his arms for they hold me each night but I can't pretend all is set right For I know he's not mine...he will never be and though I sever my soul - I must set him free I can't fold on to those soft summer breezes Nor pretend I can stop my heart as it freezes For there's a girl in the mirror with strange haunted eyes and each day that I see her a little more of her's died I had thought that I could learn to grow and be more Than I'd ever imagined that I could be before But now I see clearly, it's painful but true Nothing I could ever do would be good enough for you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I can't ask you to forgive me, for I can't forgive myself for thowing love away for a handsome face and wealth He never care for me like you, he never cared at all I told me heart to live a lie, set myself up for the fall Now I've silken sheets, a mansion, and a tear Now I hide my saddness, my bruses, and my fear I have to watch my opened eyes and gaurd my opened eyes for fear someone might look at me and notice all my lies I've locked my prison door, created my own cell The taste of heaven lingers though now I dwell in hell I remember love I had, though it was very brief And now my only hope mirrors my greatest grief. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX In breaking my own heart, I felt joy within my soul For the saddness in your eyes had made me feel unwhole I'd rather see you smile- I'd rather kill your pain Than worry about my heart, or what I'd had to gain You were all I lived for - the sun and rain to me Yet I was glad to choose the deserts darkness - I'm glad I set you free. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A single image lingers withinin my deepest heart Pompeii. A city distroyed, a people cut out of life's circle... An image to most imprints a feeling of senceless loss and pain But I can see the truth through the haze of the darkness I see two people who lay forever content within the shelter of each others arms I see two people who chose the eturnal light of love over fear or dispair... I yearn for Pompeii---can you see the beauty which hides in the shadows of life? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A shadowed face from long ago still lurks within my dreams of light A yearned for touch that never was still makes the future bright For as my being slowly changes, my vision mayhaps proves mistaken A dormant heart, a treasured haven, i fear my future has awakened Though past believed, the future looms, for no care or thought is hindering The golden shadowed fire saught, which in my is kindling Shadowed hands will come to claim my virgin heart of soul And shadowed lips will nary shame as the virgin's dream comes whole Half-remembered future flame, this premitory dream makes glow And what shall finally come to p, only a shadowed smile knows XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX