Bah, I had set myself a deadline. Make some progress, in some regard with starting to have a relationship again, before my birthday. When I set that goal in Jan of 2015, it didn't seem too insane. Hell, I had given myself over a year. My birthday is Feb 5. I'm not only not in a relationship, I haven't even *pretended* to get physical with anyone. Hold hands? Cuddling? Nope. Some goals just need to fade away. People always ask what I am looking for. What I want to find. Of course I would love hot, steamy letter, sexy talk, racy pictures and dirty dreams. I'm a man after all, and things like that make us feel like kings. But there is a lot, lot more to me. I am attracted to submissives, but then again, what guy really isn’t? I also have a fascination and possible addiction to cookies. Any cookies. It's chilly here today, just one of those days where the cold air hits you right down to the bone. It's days like this where I just feel slowed down, my mind very focused and sharp, but like every hour is just dragging on. I think bleak may be the best word for it. But it is also one of those days when I can settle back and just think of the slower parts of life. It's very easy for me to talk of passion and romance. I have suppressed both for so long that they just boil below the surface. Sexual frustration itself is enough to cloud my mind in some ways. The lack of passion in my life is enough to make my thoughts drift into that realm constantly. The slow, mundane things are bit tougher for me. It's been a very long time since I shared a quiet moment with anyone, and my spirit yearns for that, maybe more then anything else. I want to kiss you, simple enough. Just a soft kiss though, one that lasts a moment and stays on the mind for hours. I want to hold you, and wrap my arms around you while we do nothing. We could be just watching tv and cuddled up together, it doesn't matter. I want to sit with you and lay with you in silence. I want to ride along with you while we do mundane errands. I want to bring you a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, and just sit there and talk while you are in the bath, unwinding from the day. It's very hard for me to really ever say what my intentions are, where I want something to go. Because a lot of my wants are so simple, so mundane that it feels like I should add a spark to them, add something to make them more Wow. But sometimes it really is this simple. I want to hear you breath. I want to see you smile. I want to share our time together. I want to make you a sandwich. I want to massage your shoulders after a long day. It's more then that though. I want to deepen a bond here, and feel you in ways far beyond that. I hope someday we will reach a point when I can't imagine life without you, if you enter my life. I am rambling a little, I know. It's a winter's day. The wind is cold and my bones feel the onset of a deep freeze. My mind is hearing the slow drip outside, condensation running from the roof, repeating over and over as it hits the tin gutters. It makes me wish for time with you, time to just feel that slow moment, the minutes that last for hours, with you in my life. Those are my goals, my intents. If we never become more then friends, it will be a valued friendship. But hopefully someday it will be deeper for us both. :) I've tried since Sept to do this all. 90% are fakes. 5% want money. 3% have the IQ of a gnat. 1% want to just have friends. 1% are real, and half of them may be insane. I'm just looking for someone in the .5% To be completely honest here, I have no clue what I am doing anymore, or what I'm seeking. I came from a situation where I was pretty much isolated, and ended up in a situation where I am again pretty much isolated. It's been over 10 years since I was in a relationship. 7 years since I was physical. I feel like I'm getting colder, and I hate that. Most people are out here looking for heat and a fiery wind. I'm looking for warmth, and a soft breath. Someone real, even if it's just someone to talk to. I thrive on my art, my flowery words and my passion. I don't want to lose them. If you're like many, we may email a bit, then I won't hear from you again. So I may as well be honest, open, and just lay this out there, as unmanly as it may be, LOL. Bottom line- Looking for female company, ultimately an LTR, but would be happy with chat or email pals. ( thebahr at gmail.com ) After 7 years out of the cycle, I'm ready. Hello, I am Fred, and I am new to the Greeneville, Tenn area. I'm just going to open up here and lay myself out on the line. I'm a strong, independent person, well educated and well spoken, with a romantic side that wants to believe in the future. I am the eternal optimist. I am also very sad though. I went through a rough patch in my life over the past 10 years. By all right, I should be jaded and miserable by now, but I can't seem to let myself be that way. I am lonely though. I'm in a new place, where I came to full of hope and with a lot of pent up energy, and I only knew a very few people here. Right after I arrived, my life took another twist, and I am now helping to care for 2 young boys, ages 3 and 4 (grand nephews), while their mother sorts out some issues in her life. They are sweet children, but occupy so much time and energy. I have been out of circulation for about 10 years, socially and romantically- completely for 7 years now (IE, not even a kiss, hand hold, hug, nothing. ) This is where I say I'm compassionate and helpful, even though it has been damaging before. I am restarting my life right now, excitedly and optimistically, after a long spell of being isolated. The shortest way to explain it is I fostered 7 children for 2 years when their parents were locked up for bank robbery, and I put them in counseling. While in counsel, and during that time one daughter charged their father with sexual abuse. A long history of abuse came out. In his mind, he blamed me for his children revealing the history. He was charged with the sexual assault and served another year in jail. He got out and came after me and my family with some horrendous threats, the DA determined it was a credible threat, and required me to 'lay low till they were able to ensure my families safety'. I had moved at first, but after my mother died, my family needed me back in NY. So I went back to NY with agreement that I lay low, not go out to the local bars, shop out of town- A ghost in the machine, so he wouldn't come after anyone I cared about. The law continued to try and put him behind bars again, but he kept slipping through their fingers. Meanwhile, I lived with family, helped them out, and pretty much stayed isolated, waiting for the 'all clear.' 7 years later,... they finally determined that, while he was still free- his standing and threat level had diminished enough where I could start being seen again. I hung out with some friends for a bit, and it really sunk in how 10 years of my life (total) had just slipped by me and withered away. I couldn't take keeping my life on hold anymore. I write a lot, I'm a social, giving person, and that life was going to be the death of me. So I made sure my sisters were stabilized and good, and have now moved to Tenn, where I can live again. I'm not looking for the miracle. I'm looking for anything- friends, chat buddies, the reality and the fantasy. I want someone to listen, and someone I can listen too. A reason to be excited, to check my messages, and log on. I am a good person, I can't help that. I know it's not popular. I can't help it though, it is my internal nature I am a very simple person, really. I don't want much in this world. I have most everything I need, except a warm voice, warm body, or warm heart to say goodnight to. If you message me and just want to chat, cool.. I'll listen, I'll talk. If you want more, and want to be more intimate .. cool. I love to write. If you want more, and want to become intimate; I'm ready, beyond ready. Maybe I'm just not cut out for finding someone online. In "real life" I can make friends almost instantly, and can talk for hours to someone I just met. I need to meet a person first though, and 30 seconds in the check out line at the Dollar General just doesn't work out :) I don't know anymore. I've sacrificed so much of my life, I am scared now that I've wasted to much time and will never really know again what it's like to live. I am terrified that life ended, and no one told me. Mayhaps I'll run across some with a heart here that wants to learn me. Maybe I'll find a buddy to raise some he** with, or just complain about the weather with. I don't care. Contact me, see what happens, see what makes me tick. If you can't message here and want to, hit me up on thebahr at gmail dot com. I'm always around. You may be pleasantly surprised. Fred- thebahr at gmail.com