***WARNING! WARNING!*** (NOT FOR HUMOR CHALLENGED) About me. Hmmm. Well, it’s always about ME, and it damn well should be. LOL After all it is MY profile and not yours. My biography reveals versatility, a mulude of adventures, experiences, accomplishments and mistakes. In other words, as my late father would say, “my mulude of talents are the signs of a misspent youth!” I have been a criminal lawyer, sold used cars and run for high political office. If I am not, by definition, the most untrustworthy and disreputable of characters (the kind your mother should have warned you about, along with running with scissors and wearing clean underwear), your past is much to sordid for the likes of poor little me. Of course I am attracted to sordid, but I digress. I have more degrees then a rectal thermometer yet am delightfully down-to-earth (or am I just dirty, I always get them confused ). I am a straight guy who loves Broadway theater, am a Hell of a good dancer and cook like Emeril (Emeril Goldfarb). I spent 2 1/5 years sailing the Caribbean and navigating other wet spots (sailing is the ultimate in sleeping on the wet spot) and enjoys annual trips to Europe. I am maturely immature which means I'm an old guy who acts childish. I love everything about a woman from her looks to how she tastes, from the smell to the sound (yeah, even her talking), her moods to her feel. I have been known to be driving down the road and stop the car, crank up the radio and grab her to dance to an oldie but goodie. I have no problem with public displays of affection and lust and have been known to get fresh, in the kitchen, while she was being domestic (in front of God, friends and offspring). I even discovered the 103rd sexual position (man on top, in bed). I would love to find a younger (young enough) gal who wants kids, (as I love kids, yours, mine ours, theirs) and at the same time am self-centered enough to want an older gal who doesn't want kids, as those little “buggars” do take you & play-time away from ME, the only one that matters (just kidding). I am equally comfortable and attracted to career oriented over-achievers and bon-bon eating princesses. Height, hair color, (on head, not back. palms or chest), present family cirstances and age are not of importance, so long as I have fun with you and walk around like a tent just thinking of you. If for some bizarre and inexplicable reason you get wet and wild seeing or thinking of me, even better. I need all the help I can get. I am one of those rare guys who likes shapely legs, big bosoms, narrow waists, flat tummies and butts smaller then mine . Go figure! I like short skirts and plunging necklines. Weird, I know. All those things can be bought, leased or resurrected, but as that clic philosopher, Ron White once said, “you can’t fix STUPID!” (or mean, dour, or humorless) I was born to poor but proud parents. This was a condition that would soon change, for while they remained poor, they obviously could no longer remain proud. I am looking for a long-term, intensely , moderately expensive, occasionally meaningful relationship or afternoon tryst. I prefer a woman with long hair down her back, instead of on her back, legs that start at the floor and then make an a** of themselves and an IQ bigger then her bra size. In other words a gal who is fun, likes to have fun and "ain't" too bad in the back seat of a jalopy. Chemistry is important and so is biology and long-division. I am the Eclectic (110/220) Renaissance man with maturely immature (boyish charm) tendencies wants a grown-up with a lot of girl left in her. Chronological age is less important then emotional and pionate age. I seem to do so much better with women who adore me, so please do not contact me unless you are one or two of them (conjoined twins welcome). If you are humor-impaired, you will neither understand, worship nor tolerate me. Yes I have serious moods, but as the Hulk warned, “you won’t like me morose”. I will put you up on a pedestal, only to look up your dress (clean undies, please). I will respect you the morning after, only if you were skilled and pionate the night before. Then I will respect, honor and obey. I want to grow old with a special gal (versus dying with her). I want to be just as for you 3-years after I die as I am on our 1st date. Any good old broad want to have me grab your a** for the next few decades? I am pretty smart for an entrepreneur (unemployed) former criminal lawyer or was that lawyer criminal? I get so confused. I can clean up and be presented to friends, family and the Board of Health or charmingly remain the snuff-drinking, moonshine dipping, (I never remember the way that goes), Billy Bob elitist that I am. I am a leg man but admire a fine set of, er, umm, mammary magnificence. Long hair on your head beats on your back, chest or arms. Short's, cool too. Biology is as important as chemistry. God can get his own girl, so I prefer that I will come before God (at least a few nights a week. I adore animals, but again, I get mine 1st. Your kids and/or grand kids don't concern me. I like kids and can wear and wait them out. Few can stay awake in my presence, that long. While I am a nice guy and will probably answer anyone, I won't take you seriously, without a picture