Community > Dating & Relationships

Topic: Many Friends
Jillybean31 Joined Thu 03/20/08 Posts: 815	Sat 03/29/08 08:53 PM
Quite an interesting discussion. No one wants players or cheaters to date. If a guy is "shopping the field,' he is a player and a cheat, but, if he is married or committed, then it is ok to have all these female friends? Sounds a lot like a paradox to me. Having female friends is not the same as playing the field. If my guy is still playing the field after we've made a commitment to our relationship...then I'd have to assume he's not happy and free him of his commitment. Period. But to tell him he has to leave female friends at the alter is controlling and distrustful behavior in my book. That's no commitment...that's prison.

hikerchick Joined Sat 12/22/07 Posts: 13206	Sat 03/29/08 08:56 PM
Perhaps you have a different definition of friend. I have male friends who are much younger, or who don't like women, or whatever. I will NEVER hook up with them. I don't feel like it would be "shopping the field" to continue to be friends with them after I am in a relationship. Don't you have platonic female friends? Women you like as people, but not in a sexual way? Or do you try to have sex with every woman you know? Because I have a half dozen female friends on my list on here, I have been accused of being a "Player" What I am saying is that, what difference does it make whether you are married/committed or not? If I am a "player" because I have multiple female friends and I am single, what the heck does that make me if/when I am married/committed. How does that change the definition? As I said, my ex had male friends, and I did not mind. Then they became friends with benefits. Not a problem for me now...lol...she is lying in a hospital bed dying from hiv and hep C. Wonder now why I question the friends after marriage thing? I lucked out and did not catch what she has, but, scared the crap right out of me forever. Mutual friends ok, personal friends of the opp sex...no way for me. Hon- the fact that someone calls you a player does not make you a player. I could call you a chair and it won't make you a chair. And your ex- she would have cheated either way. She clearly had issues. I think you should have all the friends you want and let your honey do the same, and just make sure you are clear on what the definition of a friend is.

Lily0923 Joined Sun 12/02/07 Posts: 20429	Sat 03/29/08 08:58 PM
Most of my friends are guys, and most guys are intimidated by this..... My thoughts are this, if they were friends BEFORE we started dating, that's fine, but I don't like NEW female friends.... They should feel the same way.... I would have already been dating them before you came along....

willy_cents Joined Sat 07/14/07 Posts: 4471	Sat 03/29/08 08:59 PM
Quite an interesting discussion. No one wants players or cheaters to date. If a guy is "shopping the field,' he is a player and a cheat, but, if he is married or committed, then it is ok to have all these female friends? Sounds a lot like a paradox to me. Having female friends is not the same as playing the field. If my guy is still playing the field after we've made a commitment to our relationship...then I'd have to assume he's not happy and free him of his commitment. Period. But to tell him he has to leave female friends at the alter is controlling and distrustful behavior in my book. That's no commitment...that's prison. so, you believe that it would be perfectly acceptable for your mate to go out, say one night a week, with friends of the opposite sex until midnight or 2 in the morning and you would not have a problem, as long as they were friends before you were married? I really have to express some doubt about that. And, I cannot believe that a guy would happily let his mate go out with her pre-commitment male friends. All of us are too possessive to let that go on indefinitely without suffering from jealousy.

yellowrose10 Joined Tue 12/11/07 Posts: 52804	Sat 03/29/08 09:05 PM
Quite an interesting discussion. No one wants players or cheaters to date. If a guy is "shopping the field,' he is a player and a cheat, but, if he is married or committed, then it is ok to have all these female friends? Sounds a lot like a paradox to me. Having female friends is not the same as playing the field. If my guy is still playing the field after we've made a commitment to our relationship...then I'd have to assume he's not happy and free him of his commitment. Period. But to tell him he has to leave female friends at the alter is controlling and distrustful behavior in my book. That's no commitment...that's prison. so, you believe that it would be perfectly acceptable for your mate to go out, say one night a week, with friends of the opposite sex until midnight or 2 in the morning and you would not have a problem, as long as they were friends before you were married? I really have to express some doubt about that. And, I cannot believe that a guy would happily let his mate go out with her pre-commitment male friends. All of us are too possessive to let that go on indefinitely without suffering from jealousy. I have dated some that went out with groups of people...a lot of female friends. I had no problem with it at all. I wasn't able to go so why should he have to stay home? I have done the same with guy friends instead of staying home

gracekelley Joined Tue 01/01/08 Posts: 255	Sat 03/29/08 09:07 PM
it makes me uncomfortable at first.

Jillybean31 Joined Thu 03/20/08 Posts: 815	Sat 03/29/08 09:12 PM Edited by Jillybean31 on Sat 03/29/08 09:13 PM
Quite an interesting discussion. No one wants players or cheaters to date. If a guy is "shopping the field,' he is a player and a cheat, but, if he is married or committed, then it is ok to have all these female friends? Sounds a lot like a paradox to me. Having female friends is not the same as playing the field. If my guy is still playing the field after we've made a commitment to our relationship...then I'd have to assume he's not happy and free him of his commitment. Period. But to tell him he has to leave female friends at the alter is controlling and distrustful behavior in my book. That's no commitment...that's prison. so, you believe that it would be perfectly acceptable for your mate to go out, say one night a week, with friends of the opposite sex until midnight or 2 in the morning and you would not have a problem, as long as they were friends before you were married? I really have to express some doubt about that. And, I cannot believe that a guy would happily let his mate go out with her pre-commitment male friends. All of us are too possessive to let that go on indefinitely without suffering from jealousy. Why do you have my guy going out til all hours of the night every week anyway? You've got me married to a lush now. Forget the women...I think YOU are the bad influence on him. Gee-Whiz!

willy_cents Joined Sat 07/14/07 Posts: 4471	Sat 03/29/08 09:14 PM
I suppose I am just really wary about it, having been burned by it. As was stated above, it all comes down to trust. Until that trust is destroyed, maybe it should not bother you. However, after you have been "smoked up" by her relationships with her male friends, perhaps it makes you distrustful of situations. We all learn from experience, and I suppose that my experiences have made me a little bit more wary of placing myself in the same position again.