That brought a tear to my eye

(((((((((((MY OC)))))))))))))

As you've seen, there are millions of reasons women stay. My best friend from college did. She was smart, strong, beautiful, just the most amazing woman. Yet she stayed in an abusive relationship for years and none of us could figure out why or figure out a way to convince her to leave. She only found the strength to leave when he killed her unborn child and damn near killed her. To this day, despite years of counseling, all she can say is at the time she loved him and hoped he would change and that he convinced her it was all her fault.

marie

I have had guns and knifes pulled on me a few times


but I guese I am wrong or something,but there just aint a good enough reason to stay in this situation

((((((((suz))))))))hi sweetie

yeah as I keep hearing sweetie,in my mind I just dont think there good enough reasons

It's hard for someone who's never been abused to understand, OC. From the outside looking in, it's very easy to say I would never do that. But abuse very rarely starts at full-scale, it's usually little stuff, verbal, stuff you can easily dismiss, then it escalates, usually slowly. By the time the really big stuff starts, you're so beaten down and isolated and confused and depressed and controlled, you come to believe that on some level you deserve it, that if you were a better person it would stop, if only if only if only. Plus, you're usually so isolated you feel there's no where to go if you could leave. And you're in fear for your very life. You can live with the abuse if you believe he'll really kill you, your kids or your family if you leave.

You don't understand how deeply depressed someone gets in a situation like that, absolute fear takes over too. I was afraid to go to sleep at night, afraid he would kill me in my sleep. I had no where to go, no one to help me, no one to turn to, no one to even talk to as I got in trouble if I used the telephone, no job, no money, he made sure I was totally isolated. I had to finally get to the point where I just plain didn't care if he killed me, was actually suicidal at times, but couldn't do that because I had to survive to keep my daughter safe. If you haven't felt that despair, I don't know how to describe it.

Again, I am sorry for your loss, she deserved much better.
Take care, I need to get to bed.

There is no excuse to stay in an abusive relationship. However, people make MANY excuses to stay. The reasons for staying are as varied as the people. It can be about security, finances, family, or love. Some stay out of fear.

Some abusers change, but most never do. The cycle of abuse only escalates over time. Some people do not realize that abuse comes in many forms: emotional, physical, sexual, financial, psychological, etc. It can errode and harm your positive sense of self-worth, your mind, body, and soul.

If you are in an abusive relationship - PLEASE get survivor counseling. Call the nearest Domestic Violence Hotline in your area. Make an escape plan and pack a bag with important documents, money, and necessary items. Tell a friend or two. Most of all, break the silence. Do not suffer in secrecy.

Sometimes orders of protection work, sometimes they do not. Only you, with the help of law enforcement, can make the decision about whether it is right for you. Shelters are available - but they are not right for everyone.

Don't keep this secret. Help yourself. Be a survivor, not a victim.

I had to write this, to let you know of the hidden effects, and still to this day, no one ever really knows what goes on behind closed doors!!


Violence Against Women in Intimate Relationships

Domestic violence against women,wife assault, wife battering or woman abuse, is defined as any and all behavior, demonstrated by the woman's partner (husband, ex-husband, common-law partner, boyfriend), which serves to intimidate, threaten and/ or control the woman's behavior & movements in the most immediate physical way. It also helps ensure that control will be maintained in the
future, even wen he is absent, primarily through the inducement or fear.

Power & Control are the common denominators of all forms of domestic violence against women.

FORMS OF VIOLENCE
Emotion/Psychological Abuse
Emotion harassment and abuse usually precedes the first incident of physical violence in a relationship, and mot often continues to be part of the abuse. This abuse is effective, in terms of controlling the victim, after an incident of physical abuse the abuser has demonstrated his ability to carry out his threats. Most women who have experienced women abuse say that emotional/psychological abuse is the most damaging.

This form of abuse serves to:
*destroy the woman's feeling of self-worth
*confuse her and interfere with her ability to make independent decisions
*control her behavior

Examples;
Verbal Harassment and Abuse
-Verbal challenges, insults against her personality, attitudes or beliefs. This may include "name calling" and /or yelling and screaming.
Put downs" in front of her family and friends.
For example:
* belittling any efforts she may make to better herself
*comparing her unfavorably to past lovers or current friends
-Insulting or harassing her friends and family.

Victims' Statements:

"Doug has often called me a pig and a messy slob. He says the same thing about my friends."

"My parents came over for dinner and I told them that I hoped to go back to school to get my degree. My husband started laughing and then said I was too crazy and stupid to ever even think of going back to school. I was so embarrassed."

"Kenny said that he didn't want me to come to his office party because he didn't want people to know that he married a hag. He said that he was doing me a favor because I would feel even more ugly when I met his beautiful secretary."
Personal Control
-controlling and /or disrupting her personal routines, such as sleeping, eating and dressing.
-Forcing her to do degrading and humiliating things, such as licking the dishes clean or crawling in presence.

Victims' Statements:
"I remember him coming home on a number of occasions drunk out of his mind. He would wake me from my sleep and demand that I make him a steak dinner. Once I wouldn't, and he screamed that I had to because I was his wife."
"Andrew wouldn't allow me to wear my hair the way I wanted it. He took me to the hairdresser and explained how he wanted it. I felt like a child as I sat there and cried away, embarrassed that he would humiliate me in that way."
" I am not allowed to close any doors in the house, he watches me undress, use the washroom, bathe, whatever I do he watches me."

Financial Control
-Limiting or refusing her access to the family's funds or her own.
-Challenging her use of family resources.
Victims' Statements:
"He wouldn't allow me any money, sometimes not even enough for basic bread and milk. He said that I would spend it on myself. I just wanted enough t pay for groceries. He wouldn't allow it, but then he would go out and spend it on street drugs,booze."
Social Control
-Controlling the type, amount and frequency of social activities.
-Isolating her from family and friends.
-Restricting her use of the phone.
-Restricting her awareness of, and access to, social and community resources, such as transit systems and legal aid.
-Demonstrating extreme jealousy and accusing her of "sleeping around".

Victims' Statements:
"Bill didn't allow me to have contact with my friends after he and I married. All my girlfriends are still single and he said that if I was to go out with them I would look cheap and flirtatious. I wanted to see my friends but I didn't want to make him angry."
"I wanted to take a night course but my boyfriend wouldn't allow me to. He said that I could only go out with him so that he knew what I was up to. It hurts me that he couldn't trust me when he knows that I am shy and have a hard time meeting people"
"Right away I knew Leroy was restricting my freedom. He would often take the phone to work with him. Imagine unplugging the phone so that I couldn't call out while he was gone. I told hem that we were having problems and that I thought we should see a marriage counselor. he thought that was a silly idea. In fact, he said that I would be exposing myself to the counselor by talking to him. He said that the counselor would soon realize that I was crazy and would have me locked up. I never brought up the idea again. I was starting to feel really depressed ad confused and feared that my husband was right, that I was crazy."
Threats
-Against himself-social threats.
-Against her-threats of violence.
-Toward friends and family.
-Toward their children.
For exp.
threats of violence
child snatching/kidnapping
custody battles
Toward property and/or pets

Victims' Statements
"once after my husband beat me up bad I went to stay with my sister. He called every day, begging and pleading that I should go back to him. He kept at it , call after call. But I was determined. I was going to make a life for myself, away from him.I wanted to e safe. Then, after about a week he called crying and hysterical. He said that he was going to shoot his head off if I didn't come back. My heart broke. I couldn't live with the thought that he might actually kill himself, especially because I was guilty of leaving him. I didn't feel like I had any other choice. I went back."
" I learned not to say anything about his drinking because once he came home drunk and I confronted him. I told him that I thought he needed help - that he was an alcoholic. I said that I wasn't the only one who thought that he had a drinking problem, because my mother had said the same thing. He raised his fist and his eyes stared right through me. He said that if I ever brought up the subject Alain he would punch my lights out and further more he'd do worse to my mother."
"Allen bought me a kitten once when he was feeling bad for slapping me the night before. I loved that kitten so much...but he knew it too. Every time he got angry about something he threatened to drown her. I was always afraid that he might actually do it."
" I was married for 20 years and during abut 18 of those years my husband, Carson, hurt me physically and mentally. I wanted to leave him but he told me if I did I would never see the children again. he said that he would reveal that I tried to kill myself at age 17. He said "What court would give a suicidal woman custody of her children?" I believed him, so I stayed with him. I couldn't bear the thought of a life without my kids."

Violence toward the Children
-Any physical or emotional violence toward children is early child abuse and must be recognized as such, however, such violence may also be used to control or influence the woman's behavior.
Victims' Statement:
"One night my 13 year old daughter, Amy, got home late for dinner because she was playing a game with her friend and lost track of time. Her father was hopping mad. He accused her of being with a boy and called her terrible names. he slapped her face wildly over and over again. I begged him to stop, that she had enough. he started screaming at me that it was none of my business and that I better "shut up" or I would get worse. I went in after him anyways to protect my daughter, he knocked me cold, when I came to she was lain battered on her bed sobbing, I felt like a terrible mother. It was horrible and that memory still eats away at me."

Destruction of Property
-Especially things which have special significance for the woman and her children
Victims' Statements
"When my grandmother died she left me a beautiful tea set. I remember her pouring my little cups of tea from the fancy teapot when I was just a little girl, My grandmother always made me feel special. It was broken to pieces when my fiancé got rally mad at me and threw the teapot up against the refrigerator. It smashed and I felt like my heart smashed with it."

Terrorizing
-Doing things to terrorize or frighten the woman, such as playing with guns or knives in her presence and driving recklessly.
Victims' Statement:
"I remember wen Chuck scared me to no end. he was mad because I forgot to make his lunch. I was reading a very interesting book and simply lost track of time. Anyway, he insisted that we go out to pick up a pizza and that I go with him. He drove like a maniac, at least 90 miles an hour weaving in and out of traffic. He was yelling at me the whole time, accusing me of not caring for him. I was scared that we were going to get killed. I tried to put my seat belt on but he wouldn't allow it."

NOTE:It is very important that we do not minimize the effects of emotional abuse. We must not make statement like "she was not physically assaulted , just emotionally abused". It has devastating effects on the victim's feelings about herself. She often ends up feeling worthless and helpless. We have no idea how many women take their own lives due to the emotional torment they suffer from their partners. Many women admit to having suicidal thoughts.
Remember: Emotional/Psychological Abuse Can End In Death

Physical Violence/Assault
Physical abuse is probably the most obvious form of abuse. Therefore, it is often easiest for us to identify and label this behavior as abusive. When evaluating the severity of physical abuse, it is essential that we not only examine the actual violent act by the man, but rather that we consider the impact the assault has had on the Wyman in terms of her emotional and physical safety.
for exp:
A "small shove" may seem relatively harmless yet it can result in murder if a woman falls and hits her head against a hard object. An open handed slap can break an nose and create an atmosphere of fear as effectively as a closed fist punch.
This form of abuse serves to:
-immediately limit and control her behavior actions and movements
-create and atmosphere of apprehension and fear
-control her behavior, present and future through inducement of fear
Use of body
-The offender uses his own body as weapons against the woman.
Exp: Feet, fist, teeth, etc. This includes slapping, restraining, hitting, punching, kicking, shoving, choking, biting, hair-pulling, scratching, tripping, shaking, etc.
Use of Objects and Household Articles
-The offender uses objects and household articles as weapons against the woman.
-This includes burning with cigarettes, irons or cooking appliances, beating with household objects such as a vacuum hose, coat hanger or electrical cord.
-Deliberately shoving the woman into household appliances, furniture, garbage, etc.
-Restraining her with ties, scarves, belts or electrical cords
Use of Weapons
-Restraining her with ropes, or handcuffs
-Threatening and /or using knives, guns and other weapons.

Sexual Abuse/Violence
Sexual abuse combines many of the components of emotional/psychological abuse and physical abuse. In many ways it is one of the most frightening, violating and dangerous forms of abuse. It is often one of the most invisible forms of abuse because there are generally no witnesses. As with physical violence, it is essential that we consider the impact that the behavior in question had upon the woman, Her perception and experience of the abuse should be the focus of any discussion, rather that the behavior demonstrated.
for exp:
If she finds oral sex particularly offensive and degrading and she is forced to participate in this act.
If she is pressure into participating in any sexual activity against her will, including intercourse, then she is as much a victim of sexual assault as the woman who is brutally beaten and forcibly restrained with ropes during intercourse.

This form of abuse serves to:
*destroy the woman's feeling of self worth
*immediately limit and control the woman's behavior, actions movements
*create and atmosphere of apprehension and fear
*control her behavior, present and future


Verbal Harassment and Abuse
-Includes jokes, insults, name-calling and degrading, humiliating sexual comments.
-Accusations with respect to the woman's involvement with other men and/or claims that she is frigid or sexually inadequate.

Forced Sexual Activity
-Unwanted touching
-Forced participation in sexual act the woman finds particularly degrading and/or humiliating. This includes demands that she have sex with neighbors and friends, force exposure to pornography and participation in sexual activities depicted in pornography.
-Penetration of bodily orifices using household objects.
-Force vaginal, oral and anal intercourse.
-Physical violence, such as punching, kicking, and burning, directed specifically at the woman's breast or genitals.
-General physical violence, as described above, associated with or linked to sexual activity.

Withholding Sexual Attention
-Man/offender may repeatedly withhold sexual attention or affection
-Little attention is paid to the woman's sexual needs or desires during any sexual activity.

I was going to post to this, but Noden said it all..

In my line of work I have worked in battered women's shelters on occasion.

It is about self-esteem.... plain and simple. And no one can make someone have it. They have to come to it on their own terms.

It is easy for people on the outside to sit and pass judgement on the women who stay, but until they walk a mile in their shoes.... you just don't know.

Usually (not always) the woman has been in many abusive relationships, starting as children, whether it be physical or mental or emotional.

I am a huge proponent of the battered women's shelter, you can donate food, which is always needed, and old cell phones, they will always dial 911.... I recomend this....

The sad part is the children who get wrapped up in it, and start the cycle over again....

I've been there and I've stayed in the abusive situation...with horrific results as well. So why did I stay? I felt so bad about myself to begin with, and he had a way of preying on my low self esteem. His favorite thing to say was, "Do you really think you're the best I can do?" That one little comment would twist around in my head...and I was scared. I was scared that no one else would want me and I would spend my entire life alone. He blacked both my eyes. I went to the ER 3 times because of him. I've had stiches in the bottoms of both feet because he threw a vase at my head and I got the glass in my feet. He put a knife to my neck. I had a miscarriage because of the violence. So what made me leave? Me.

It took four long sad years, but I finally realized that being alone (if that's what was going to happen) was so much better than being dead....and as long as I stayed with him I certianly wasn't living. Life is so much better now...and I truly feel alive.

For me I stayed because I was so wrapped up in having someone there. Now I'm kinda like "who cares". It was so psychological...and friends and my family tried to save me too, but I had to save myself.

You're a stong woman babe...keep the faith.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

((((( oc ))))))

I was one of those women who stayed in an abusive relationship, it started out Loving and turned into
a Violent Hell,, done slowly like it crept up on me
being told daily your worthless, your ugly, your no
good, no one will ever love you,,, and so on,, then came
the bruises, the blood,, the FEAR,, if you try and leave
I will kill you, and so on..

Self Esteem is takin away,, replaced with FEAR, the needing of wanting to be excepted, needing Love, any
kind of love, Punches are replaced with hugs,, I am so sorry... and when the sun rises the Hell starts again,

Until we ((( the abused ))) can see and believe in our
selfs,, we wont leave, we wont seek help,,, It took me
13 years to see,, to seek help,,, to be me again
to love me again,,,

Its a long road,, yet when reminded how important we are to life,, it makes the road alittle less rocky,,,

Sorry for the ramble,, dont really know if I made sense
at all,,

Hugs to you

You too darlin' YOu ladies who are sharing your stories are making me cry...I am glad you got the help and inner strenght you needed..... stay strong... You are beautiful...

The Controller/Abuser

He may seem very agreeable and want to give you your way (anything your little heart desires), but notice how he acts when the decision is fairly significant and it's a matter of his being inconvenienced, having to take second best or doing something he would really prefer not to do. What happens when he doesn't get his way? Does he pout withdraw? Does he let you know that you have disappointed him? Does he keep you slightly off balance? Look back over any number of decisions the two of you supposedly made together recently. Do you feel good about the outcome?

Another mark of the controller is that everything is geared toward him. He is the center of the universe and you revolve around him. If he can't get his way by being slightly disappointed or even slightly depressed, he may try the other end of the spectrum by yelling and screaming. Controllers must be kept happy at all costs and the women involved with them pay a very high price for this happiness.

Marie hit the nail on the head with her first post to this thread! Great answer.

I didn't live in a physically abusive relationship, I lived in a verbaly abusive relationship for 6 yrs. The words hurt as much as a fist could hurt. I did at first think I could change him, but later came to realize that wasn't going to happen. If a change was going happen, it had to start with myself. I love myself too much to continue with that life style. I left him 18 months ago. It's been a struggle but I'm living it one day at a time. I kept telling myself, my self worth was much more important than anything I had felt for him. I deserve better!

I no longer walk on egg shells and I lost 250 lbs. (200 lbs. was his , 50 lbs. was mine...I gained weight living under that stress!)

200 lbs of ugly dead weight I see....good for you...

thanks...I just didn't know it for a long time.

first off, im sorry about your friend.

there are many reasons a woman/man may stay in an abusive relationship. i can not answer for all women. it is sad...

OC bless you for trying.
in the past i had 2 different boyfriends who raised
hand to me. both of them got the surprise of their
miserable lives. and i made them go.
i've also worked with women who have escaped abusers.
it's true that each case is different, but i believe generally it boils down to 2 main things:
1.lack of self love-which can come from a bad example set by parents, past abuse...
2.fear of being left alone-especially if there are kids in the mix.
what a heartbreaking situation, i am so very sorry that you lost
your friend in that way.