Symptom. Fault. Action Required.

Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. Glass empty. Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Floor swaying. Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it You have fallen over backward.

If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.

Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above.

Everything has gone dark. The Bar is closing. Panic.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.

You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a **** truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burn on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Awww jeez, if that ain't the truth. I've been that one wanting to smash someone's head in...especially when I was a bartender. Uhg.

The whole thing was funny, though... Actually, I'm putting on my brave-britches tonight and going to the local pub for a burger and fries and a few beers. I will do my best to avoid all of the above!

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

I had to give it up. Two days after drinking anything alchoholic I get real depressed, even suicidal. It may have to do with the thyroid medication I take, I don't know, but I got tired of being depressed. The beer and whatever tasted OK but the aftermath just wasn't worth it.

Funny jokes, though.

Hear about the skeleton that walked into a bar?

He said, gimme a beer and a mop!

Hear about the brain that walked into a bar?

Bartender wouldn't serve him: He was out of his head!