Hi there, I had something happen recently that I would like to tell you about in hopes that you may offer some advice on how to prevent it in the future. For the first time ever, I was dating a young woman with 2 children and I found a whole new world of challenges to navigate. Its not a matter of liking or hating your children, its a matter of how do I best conduct myself where they are concerned. I know how upset my brother would get seeing some new boyfriend playing with his kids and pretending like he was dad. I heard all the jokes about instant family. But there it is, its not my family. Her reason for our parting was that I wasn't confident enough for her. I assure you I am a confident person but who the hell am I to go taking control of a family that isn't mine. I would ask if she wanted to go places and do things but it was always no. So, I left it to her to say when we could get some time in. To my great sadness, she saw this as a confidence problem. I really liked this girl and I loved her kids. How does one go about having a healthy relationship when there is always a large portion of their life that you don't belong in? Or, that an absent father feels threatened by your presence in? I would really like some advice on this as I don't want it to happen again. To all the dads reading this. How do I let you know that I'm not trying to rob you of your children and still make you feel confident that I will look out for their best interests? No I won't try and bestow my own lessons in them but I have to watch out for them too don't I. If your child is reaching for the stove, I have to tell hime its hot. I try to conduct myself with a measure of class, but in this area, I am at a loss. The realm of family is one that makes me feel most humble and advice is most welcome!

I have 3 children and I would not want them to get attached to a boyfriend with whom I was not seriously involved. It's not fair to children, especially when you are just dating. Now that you two are no longer together, she moves on to the next guy and introduces her children to a whole new boyfriend. How long does this continue? It's not healthy for kids to enter into these relationships with their parents.

Personally, I would have asked her to wait before spending too much time with the kids. A break-up can be more difficult on kids than the adults.

My ex wife has a great boyfriend she is with. They recently have bought a house together and he is very involved with my daughter. But it is done on a friendship level. My daughter has made it very clear who her Father is, as well he and I discussed it a while back. He came forthright in saying that he would never attemtpt that and we respected that and left it as such. But he is very much her friend and that I am glad for...

SOunds like you were in a Catch 22

If you really care for her you will have to become a part of the family that already exists. This doesn`t mean you are trying to take the absent parents place, you`re just adding another dimension to the group.If the other parent loves the children they will be appreciative that there is another person looking out for the childrens best interest.

I'm sorry to hear that happened... All you can do is be you and treat them like they were your nieces/nephews, friends kids.. You would protect them the same, play with them, talk to them the same, it's really no different.. You said you loved her kids, did you do thing with them? Go on family outings? Always kind to them when you were there?

It's not about replacing their father and you can't worry about what the father thinks or the jokes.. You should only worry about the you and the them forget what everyone else thinks or jokes about...

I'm not sure what this young woman
was looking for.

It seems to me she was lucky that
you cared for her despite the fact
that there were two children involved.

I think you acted exactly right.
If you were married to the woman
it might be a different story,
then you could have been like
a stepdad, but not until then.

(((((((((princess))))))))

(((((((((hiker))))))))) our room... break!

So sorry to hear your story. Similar situation here. Hugs

sorry - I got distracted - I got an e-mail from a boy

bachelor-

it is a tough situation. I think that is one reason why I did not date for 6 years after my husband left. I did not want a stream of men in and out of my daughter's life. I dated only one person in the 13 years I have been divorced; and he was someone that my daughter already knew and loved. He always treated her well but he knew he was not her father. I think a custodial parent has to be so so careful about dating around children. Good luck. I think the woman was crazy to let you get away.

Congratulations! You have handled the double edged sword & got deep & hard. I am a father of two girls who live with a step-father & I was a step-father. My ex-wife had children when we started dating, & later we had our girls. So I guess this can qualify me as someone who can give poor advice.

First of all: non-custodial parents have no say in the way the child(ren) are raised. Look it up in any family law book. So the father can get mad as hell, & can NOT do anything about it. It is very nice of to consider this though, since most do not. It's a good idea to keep in mind. Try and talk to the father if it's possible.

2nd of all: you have to set the mother down & ask what the boundaries are. DO NOT try to guess/learn as you go!! This gets to be a bad situation. You can fumble the ball & find yourself being attack on all sides. Or you run with the ball, you find yourself a lone & being attacked on all sides. (Remember that double edged sword thing?)

3rd: do not meet the children until you are comfortable with it. Tell the woman how you feel about it & let her know what your expectations are. Then you BOTH of you can decide when.

4th: this is the most important. Parenting does not come with a how-to manual. Every child book says you can't raise two children the same way, so doesn't that make them an oxymoron?? Are you such a shallow & inept person that your beliefs & manner of conduct is something you do not want to instill upon someone else? If you conduct yourself in an appropriate manner, what is wrong with it?

Every situation will be different, so these are just some thoughts for you to mull over. It will never be easy & you will probably receive a lot of different ideas, but you will have to live with the path you choose. It also doesn't change after the children get older either.

Good luck to you.

Thanks for your feedback everyone. It would appear by your messages that children were introduced way to early. I look forward to reading more on the matter!