I met a wonderful guy out here...talked for hours on yahoo and a few times on the phone over the last month or so. Now, he gave up alot of things in the past to better himself. This is cool and is a very respected person in society. He gave up drinking for his own reasons...cool...and before he wants to meet me ..he is gonna quit smoking. Well, I enjoy a social drink every now and then and I smoke. I have told him this. He says he has no problem with what my habits are, and he will never judge me for that. My problem here is...we got to talking on the phone the other night and he mentioned his last lady friend...He said they had gone out and she had a few drinks...which started a dialogue of him stateing his dislike for bars, the smell of alcohol on someone's breathe...etc. Well, I am not a barfly...and have a wide circle of friends...and sometimes...it is the bar scene that sometimes we socialize over an adult beverage and a few games of pool. Now, I have spent a considerable amount of time talking to him...and am torn...for I really in my heart want to meet this guy...but the red lights are now flashing and the bells are going off...My question here is simple...some of you that have given up this or that...is it possiable to have a normal relationship with someone who has given up some of the things I do? Am I under the threat of being judged too? I have come too far in my life...to change the things I like to do...and if I do change any of it...it will be because I want to. Let's see where this goes....... <<<Softtail>>>

never change things in your life for someone cause they want you too.. only change the things you yourself wants to change ..

well just be yourself , know one has the right to change anyone , just do want you want to do and if he doesnt like it tell him that your a big girl

You need to do what you want and be yourself, if he can't accept that then it is time to move on. No one should have to change to please someone else.

I know that I am young, but I have been in this same exact situation with a very serious relationship. Now hindsight is 20/20 and I will tell you what I learned.
I refused to "give up" the few drinks and the smoking because that was just what I did with my friends. It eventually became a problem and I lost this person that I cared for so dearly. Now all the details really don't matter. What does matter is this. I realize now that in no way, shape, or form is alcohol or any other substance is worth losing someone that is potentially your soulmate...or whatever you want to call it. If all you had to do was simply give up a few alcoholic beverages and cigarettes(which are a certain path to doom anyway) to assure your happiness, then would it not be worth it?
So just consider how happy this man might make you. If you think you may be really happy with him, then are the substances more important than your happiness?

Just food for thought:)

you have to be your self, more than likely wont work with him. you know it. But he might be really good in bedLOL

you have to be your self, more than likely wont work with him. you know it. But he might be really good in bedLOL

Be comfortable with yourself, I dont prefer smokers but thats a preference. If he says He will not judge you then trust that he won't. He is working on him you work on what you want to work on for you, if thats nothing then that is fine. But Soft your a woman who seems to know what she wants, you want to meet him, meet em and go from there. Maybe it will bring you too closer.

As for the drinks portion, do the same. You dont want to displace your self from your world just to be in his.
Hope this helps.

Don't give up yourself. However, do you have to go to bars, have drinks and smoke when you are around him?

Meet up with him for coffee and see what happens. You will never know for sure until you do.

Let us know what happens!

M

If he starts out that way....before you even get together, then what would it be like later in the relationship? Personally, I think it is better to just say I won't date someone who smokes. Period. But, asking someone to quit for you before a date would be arrogant.

This sounds like the possibility of a control freak. And there are many control freaks out there and not ONE of them is worth being around, in my opinion.

love is not trying to change someone into what you want. love is overlooking something not so good and enjoying the things that are good. if someone tries to change you until you are no longer yourself it will never work. time to move on

never change who you are for anyone be yourself if they love you they will not ask you to change who u are

I dont think changing for someone else's sake is the way to go...Alot of times that just leads to resentment towards the other person...be true to yourself, and find someone you loves and respects you for who you are..

I don't know, I'd have to wonder. If he wants you to change those things, eventually, what else would there be down the road? What if he doesn't like the way you dress? Or your friends? Family? People with control issues tend to start out with small things, then move their way up. Not saying he is like that, but, it could be. I had a friend who went through something similar, he ended up almost killing her.

I don't agree with most of the opinions here. I dated a recovering alcoholic for awhile, and although he said it would not bother him if I had a few drinks, I just didn't feel right about doing so when I was with him. And to me, it just wasn't a big deal to abstain because I enjoyed being with him.

Just be yourself....No One has the right to change you.

If you want to change things in your life, that is your business. Not someone else dictating changes to you.

Hope you understand what I mean.

I think that is different from what was said here. You did what you did out of respect for this person and his disease and not because he had told you not to.

Too funny.....

I didn't read that he has asked her not to. I read that he admitted to not liking bars, or the smell of alcohol. And that she likes to have a few with friends. I just meant that love/relationships are about compromise, and we need to pick our battles. Is having a few drinks so important that you would pass up the opportunity for something amazing?