I don't know what I need. I don't know what will even make me happy. I had a particular bad visit with my psychologist yesterday. He blames my whole life on my addictive personality. He says that I went from being addicted to drugs and alcohol, to being addicted to my ex. He tells me that I will never have any meaningful relationships. I am tired of being alone. I liked being married. I liked having someone to come home to. I liked having someone to take care of. I really miss it. I get confused about what I miss though. I get in a mind set where I think I miss my ex, but I figure I just miss being married.

The problem with me and my ex was that we were too similar in so many ways. We both have this depression problem, and I have an obsessive compulsive problem, which simply means we were horrible for each other. We fed each others worst parts. When she was down, I would take it personally, and think she wasn't happy, then I would get down, and it would affect her in different ways.

That asshole psychologist actually said that I drove my ex to cheat on me just to get away from me because I was suffocating her. That would mean that all my problems, my wasted years in a marriage, my divorce, everything, is really my fault. Because I am an asshole. If all this is true, I don't deserve to be happy. If i cause this much unhappiness, maybe I deserve to be miserable.

I just don't get me. One of my ex's complaint about me is that I caused her to have a negative view of the world. That I affected her ability to have any relationships with people because she couldn't trust anyone because of me. That may be true. But whats wrong with that? Every time she didn't listen to me, she got ****ed over by someone. I was trying to protect her from going through the hard life lesson's that I had to go through. I wanted to save her the pain of betrayals. I have a very strong and accurate intuition. I always have. I am usually right. Why is it so bad to care about people and try to save them pain? Why does that make me hard to live with? Of all the faults a husband could have, why is that the one that can't be glossed over? I have seen it so many times. Some woman who gets beaten by her significant other, only to be head over heels in love with him. I have never hit a woman in my life, I would never hurt someone I love. I went to prison once for beating the living hell out of a man who was beating his girlfriend. I get a lot of time and a permanent record for that. As soon as I got out, within a few days, I saw that they were still together. I went to jail for that. I am not jail material. I am not built for that ****. I am too sensitive and intelligent.

Why are the qualities that I have that women say they want, turns out to repel them. Why is it bad to care? At what point am I addicted to being with someone and being in love, and at what point am I actually in love? How do I know the difference.

This is my main problem: I just can't get my brain to just shut the **** up and leave me alone. I just want some time to relax without my mind and thoughts spinning out of control and sending my into a depressive state. I want to be happy without my brain digging and prying until it finds something to be unhappy about. I just want to be numb. I just want to be that average asshole walking around, only caring about himself. Not feeling anything, not hurting anymore. I'm tired of feelings. I'm tired of being me.

just remember there are just some things out of your hands don't worry about the things you cannot change,

u need some serous pills.

i'd say..

I'm glad you both find my inner turmoil and personal problems so entertaining. I was looking for help to work things out. Thank you so much. I liked this site for not bing judged, and being able to talk for real. Thanks for taking away this last bastion for hope.

I am having a hard time going around this site-it seems to be breaking up quite frequently. So, I will make this as simple to one statement as I can.

Vikingsfreak: I understand where you are coming from. My x-husband was similar. Only difference is, you have to let her make the mistakes. You can't control her. You are taking a very big chance by letting your heart out here and being vulnerable, and being given one-sentence advice is not necessarily what you need. For me, my worst thing was my x-husbands negativity. I like being around someone happy. He always saw the glass as half empty. I always wanted to try new things... going back to college, volunteer work, etc., where his sole purpose was to put down anything I wanted to do.

Women do not like to be caged. You have to give them the freedom to screw up parts of their life so they can learn. You have to be able to say, "Your idea is a little screwy dear, but, I'm here for you all the way. No matter what happens." Mainly, don't argue with her! If she is stubborn, like I am, the only thing you're gonna do is push her away.

I do recommend medication. I am on 20mg of Lexapro once a day. It has opened a whole new world to me. I feel like I'm reborn, and am able to make a difference and be happy. Paxil also really worked good for me, but, it deleted any sex drive I ever even dreamt about having, and, when you're in a marriage, lack of a sex drive is not a good thing.

I hope this helps. Good luck. My prayers, however poor they are, are with you.

Take Care

Vikingsfreak.

Why are you taking onboard so much of everyone else's opinions?

The psychologist says you are too much of this, your ex says you are too much of that, your mind says you are all of that, then rebels against it , and has you spinning off into a thousand different tangents, until you can't shut it off.

Ok. Time to ditch the excess luggage you are carting around.

1) Relationship with ex, is over, for a multitude of reasons...half yours, half hers, BOTH accountable.

2) You enjoy giving to a relationship, and that is great, as long as it is not for dependency reasons, and for control issues...check in with yourself...what do you GET from a relationship? Ask yourself.

3) Past addictions do NOT equate to the rest of your life... you beat the drug and alcohol addictions? yes? So why do you have to be accountable for the rest of your life, and it , an addictive nature, be responsible for the rest of your life. What crap. You chose to no longer be addicted to drugs... you choose to take on that crap information you were fed.... or honestly look at behaviours you have, including OCD, and address each piece in small parts.... one tiny step at a time.

4) Intelligence and self reflection are great, however, sliding into mania is not great, either a 'high' or a 'low', so finding a balance is important. Try organising a massage, deep tissue, and or reflexology once a week. Also hunt out somewhere that does yoga, it is incredibly releasing, and helps narrow the mind's focus down, which in turn slows the mind down....if you drink coffee, quit it NOW. Switch to green tea, if you have been a coffee drinker for a long time, you may experience headaches for a week or so, as your body withdraws...coffee is a stimulant and will keep the mind spinning.

5) Utilise your capacity for self analysis, and read some books by the Dalai Lama, or Wayne Dwyer, or Paul Coelho...

Being empathic, and compassionate and sensitive is not a curse it's a gift, when able to focus it positively, rather than suffer it.

Dude, we should have a beer, go fishing and have some father to son talk. LOL Just kidding. But seriously, I think you probably over analyze things. You have fear, that perhaps nothing better will come along later. You know what you need? Faith! I am not talking about in God, though that wouldn't hurt. But you need to have Faith. You need to know for certain. The only way to do this is to believe. You feel it in your heart, and you accept it. Then you hold onto that and work for it. Nothing comes overnight, but if you want it bad enough, and you hold it in your heart long enough, you will be able to cash out one day and see how it paid off.

Don't live your live in fear. Best of luck to you.

OK first of all, I understand depression. My step daughter is Bi-polar,Manic and I met her mom when she was 10. We went through years of therapy. In patient, out patient, group homes ect. We even had a group home ask us to come get her because she was a bad influence on the other kids.
That was 17 years ago and the daughter has 3 kids by 3 dads. I was her mothers 3rd hubby. She still won't take her meds like she should but she is really trying to be a good mom and even though her mom and I are history, I still love her and worry about her.
If there is one bit of advise I can give, you it would be that you need to take care of yourself first. I recomend you get the book, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and follow what it says. I don't care what your problems are! You have the power of the Universe in your mind! All you have to do is use it and that book will start you out. I'm not saying it will be easy, it'll be hard as hell!!!
My ex-wife is the #1 enabler. She wanted to help her daughter but she couldn't/wouldn't work on herself and get a possitive attitude and she is still miserable.
I now am alone and I take full responsibility for my not standing up and forcing her to either look at and fix herself or me walk! I loved her so much that I stayed for 17 years.
The point is that you will NEVER be happy with ANYONE untill you are totally happy inside yourself.
I'm writing my auto-biography now as a way to deal with and get rid of the time of my life that I wasted!! I could tell you my story and it would astound you that I lived this long. I will sell you my book when I'm done but for now, go to your library, get THE SECRET and begin to HEAL YOURSELF!!
Sorry for being long winded but I feel so strong about what I said!!!
Steve