if you have a funny quote

post it and at the end we will vote for the funniest one!!

lets see what happens!!

You can't spell slaughter without laughter.

here we go, i'll be right back with my list....

8.22.07
"I get to go to lots
of overseas places,
like Canada."

-Britney Spears

8.21.07
"The internet is a
great way to get on
the net."

-Bob Dole

8.20.07
"This is no longer a
slum neighborhood. I
haven't heard of a
Cubs fan being shot
in a long time."

-Anonymous Wrigley
Field Neighbor

8.19.07
"How to store your
baby walker: First,
remove baby."

-Anonymous
Manufacturer

8.18.07
"Sure there have been
injuries and deaths
in boxing -but none
of them serious."

-Alan Minter

8.17.07
"I think that the
film Clueless was
very deep. I think it
was deep in the way
that it was very
light. I think
lightness has to come
from a very deep
place if it's true
lightness."

-Alicia Silverstone

8.16.07
"China is a big
country, inhabited by
many Chinese."

-Charles De Gaulle

8.15.07
"It is wonderful to
be here in the great
state of Chicago"

-Dan Quayle

8.14.07
"It's time for the
human race to enter
the solar system!"

-Dan Quayle

8.13.07
"I love California, I
practically grew up
in Phoenix."

-Dan Quayle

8.12.07
"Strangely, in slow
motion replay, the
ball seemed to hang
in the air for even
longer."

-David Acfield

8.11.07
"I haven't committed
a crime. What I did
was fail to comply
with the law."

-David Dinkins

8.10.07
"Sit by the homely
girl, you'll look
better by
comparison."

-Debra Maffett

8.9.07
"Chemistry is a class
you take in high
school or college,
where you figure out
two plus two is 10,
or something."

-Dennis Rodman

8.8.07
"We're just
physically not
physical enough."

-Denny Crum

8.7.07
"The doctors X-rayed
my head and found
nothing."

-Dizzy Dean

8.6.07
"The world is more
like it is now then
it ever has before."

-Dwight Eisenhower

8.5.07
"A billion here, a
billion there, sooner
or later it adds up
to real money."

-Everett Dirksen

8.4.07
"The streets are safe
in Philadelphia. It's
only the people who
make them unsafe."

-Frank Rizzo

8.3.07
"I have opinions of
my own -strong
opinions-but I don't
always agree with
them."

-George Bush

8.2.07
"If it weren't for
electricity we'd all
be watching
television by
candlelight."

-George Gobel

8.1.07
"Does the album have
any songs you like
that aren't on it?

-Harry News

7.31.07
"I do not like this
word "bomb." It is
not a bomb. It is a
device that is
exploding."

-Jacques le Blanc

7.30.07
"We're going to move
left and right at the
same time."

-Jerry Brown

7.29.07
"I have a God-given
talent. I got it from
my dad."

-Julian Wakefield

7.28.07
"Traditionally, most
of Australia's
imports come from
overseas."

-Keppel Enderbery

7.27.07
"I don't diet. I just
don't eat as much as
I'd like to."

-Linda Evangelista

7.26.07
"He's a guy who gets
up at six o'clock in
the morning
regardless of what
time it is."

-Lou Duva

7.25.07
"I'm a 4-wheel-drive
pickup type of guy.
So is my wife."

-Mike Greenwell

7.24.07
"Solutions are not
the answer."

-Richard Nixon

7.23.07
"Permitted vehicles
not allowed."

-Road sign on US 27

7.22.07
"A bachelor's life is
no life for a single
man."

-Samuel Goldwyn

7.21.07
"If history repeats
itself, I should
think we can expect
the same thing
again."

-Terry Venables

7.20.07
"My one regret in
life is that I'm not
somebody else."
-Woody Allen

7.19.07
"You're not drunk if
you can lie on the
floor without holding
on."

-Dean Martin

7.18.07
"I'm not against half
naked girls -not as
often as I'd like
to be..."

-Benny Hill

7.17.07
"TV has brought
murder back into the
home where it
belongs."

-Alfred Hitchcock

7.16.07
"TV is more
interesting than
people. If it were
not, we should have
people standing in
the corners of our
rooms."

-Alan Coren

7.15.07
"Clothes make the
man. Naked people have
little or no
influence on
society."

-Mark Twain

7.14.07
"Woman are meant to
be loved, not to be
understood".

-Oscar Wilde

7.13.07
"If you love your
job, you haven't
worked a day in
your life."

-Tommy- Lasorda

7.12.07
Don't be so humble,
you're not that
great".

-Golda Meir

7.11.07
"It is amazing how
quickly the kids
learn to drive a
car, yet are unable
to understand the
lawnmower,
snowblower or
vacuum cleaner."

-Ben Bergor

7.10.07
"Have no fear of
perfection-you'll
never reach it."

-Salvador Dali

7.9.07
"People like you are
the reason people
like me take pills!"

-Neva Faith Linn

7.8.07
"When you're in jail,
a good friend will
be trying to bail you
out. A best friend
will be in the cell
next to you saying,
'Damn, that was
fun.'"

-Unknown

7.7.07
"Anyone seen in a bus
over the age of 30
has been a failure
in life."

-Loelia, Duchess of
Westminster

7.6.07
"Many years ago I
chased a woman for
almost two years,
only to discover that
her tastes were
exactly like mine:
we both were crazy
about girls."

-Groucho Marx

7.5.07
"Bigamy is having one
wife too many.
Monogamy is the
same."

-Oscar Wilde

7.4.07
"I sometimes wonder
if the manufacturers
of foolproof items
keep a fool or two
on their payroll to
test things."

-Alan Coren

7.3.07
"The concerts you
enjoy together,
Neighbors you annoy
together, Children
you destroy together,
That keep marriage
in tact."

-Stephen Sondheim

7.2.07
"The reason
grandchildren and
grandparents get
along so well is
because they have a
common enemy."

-Unknown

7.1.07
"Trying is the first
step to failure."

-Brian fox

6.30.07
"My dad was the town
drunk. Most of the
time that's not so
bad; but New York
City?"

-Henny Youngman

6.29.07
"It's simple. PG means
the hero gets the
girl. 15 means that
the villain gets the
girl and 18 means
everybody gets the
girl."

-Michael Douglas

6.28.07
"The Middle Eastern
states aren't nations;
they're quarrels with
borders."

-P. J. O'Rourke

6.27.07
"I've got a phone,
answer machine, TV set,
computer, hand grenade
- everything you need
to run a business in
Los Angeles."

-Ice T

6.26.07
"If we can bring one
little smile to one
little face today,
then somebody's
slipped up somewhere."

-Anonymous

6.25.07
"The only difference
between a Britney Spears
video and a spread in
Playboy is at least the
centerfolds know they
can't sing."

-Bono

6.24.07
"I haven't spoken to my
wife in years. I didn't
want to interrupt her."

-Rodney Dangerfield

6.23.07
"Sex is nature, and I
believe in going along
with nature."

-Marilyn Monroe

6.22.07
"I just ate a whole
package of Sweet Tarts
and a can of Coke. I
think I saw God."

-B. Hathrume Duk

6.21.07
"My wife lost all her
credit cards, but I'm
not going to report it.
Whoever found them
spends less than she
does!"

-Henny Youngman

6.20.07
"If women didn't exist,
all the money in the
world would have no
meaning."

-Aristotle Onassis

6.19.07
"We're living in a
golden age. All you
need is gold."

-D.W. Robertson.

6.18.07
"My fellow Americans,
I am pleased to tell
you that I have signed
legislation to outlaw
Russia forever. We
begin bombing in five
minutes."

-Ronald Reagan

6.17.07
"Honolulu, it's got
everything. Sand for
the children, sun for
the wife, sharks for
the wife's mother."

-Ken Dodd

6.16.07
"There ought to be one
day - just one - when
there is open season on
senators."

-Will Rogers

6.15.07
"John Goodman isn't fat.
He's in a category
beyond fat. What does
one call it?
Whalelike ?"

-Sam Kinison

6.14.07
"Anything too stupid to
be said, is sung."

-Voltaire

6.13.07
"The scientific theory
I like best is that the
rings of Saturn are
composed entirely of
lost airline luggage."

-Mark Russell

6.12.07
"Ugliness is better
than beauty. It lasts
longer and in the end,
gravity will get us
all."

-Johnny Depp

6.11.07
"I base my fashion sense
on what doesn't itch."

-Gilda Radner

6.10.07
"If we get involved in
a nuclear war, would the
electromagnetic pulses
from exploding bombs
damage my videotapes?"

-Readers' Q and A
column in TV Guide, 1985

6.9.07
"They say hard work
never hurt anybody,
but I figure why take
the chance?"

-Ronald Reagan

6.8.07
"Even if you do learn
to speak correct English,
whom are you going to
speak it to?"

-Clarence Darrow

6.7.07
"I prefer the wicked
rather than the foolish.
The wicked sometimes
rest."

-Alexandre Dumas pere

6.6.07
"There are three kinds
of lies: lies, damned
lies, and statistics."

-Benjamin Disraeli

6.5.07
"I don't plan to grow
old gracefully I plan to
have face lifts till my
ears meet."

-Rita Rudner

6.4.07
"After all, what is your
hosts' purpose in having
a party? Surely not for
you to enjoy yourself;
if that were their sole
purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne
and women over to
your place by taxi."

-P.J. O'Rourke

6.3.07
"You have to stay in
shape. My grandmother,
she started walking
five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97
today and we don't know
where the hell she is."

-Ellen DeGeneres

6.2.07
"This compact disc is
made from analog masters
recorded without noise
reduction. Half the
tracks, in fact, were
recorded in a dismal,
cheap basement eight-
track studio with
puddles of water on
the floor. Digital
technology will now
faithfully reproduce
these noisy, low-fi,
un-professional masters
at great expense. feel
stupid yet?"

-Disclaimer on a CD

6.1.07
"If we lose this war,
I'll just start another
in my wife's name."

-Moshe Dayan

5.31.07
"A dirty mind is a joy
forever."

-Randy Kunkee

5.30.07
"Never feel remorse for
what you have thought
about your wife; she
has thought much worse
things about you."

-Jean Rostand

5.29.07
"However, never
daunted, I will cope
with adversity in my
traditional manner...
sulking and nausea."

-Tom K. Ryan

5.28.07
"The results of a new
study are out this week
saying that New Jersey
is one of the most
livable states in the
country. The study has
a margin of error of
100 percent."

-Conan OBrien

5.27.07
"I do not have to
forgive my enemies,
I have had them all
shot."

-Ramon Maria Nanvaez

5.26.07
"Kill a man, and you
are a murderer.
Kill millions of men,
and you are a conqueror
Kill everyone, and
you are a god."

-Jean Rostard

5.25.07
"Give a man a fish,
and you feed him for
a day. Teach a man
to fish, and he'll
invite himself over
for dinner."

-Calvin Keegan

5.24.07
"There's many a
bestseller that could
have been prevented
by a good teacher."

-Flannery O'Connor

5.23.07
"I couldn't remember
when I had been so
disappointed. Except
perhaps the time I
found out that M&Ms
really do melt in
your hand..."

-Peter Oakley

5.22.07
"If you look like
your passport photo,
you're too sick to
travel."

-Will Kommen

5.21.07
"The only exercise I
get is walking behind
the coffins of friends
who did exercise."

-Peter OToole

5.20.07
"Rules for driving in
New York:
(1) Anything done while
honking your horn is
legal.
(2) You may park
anywhere if you turn
you hazards on.
(3) A red light means
the next six cars may
go through the
intersection."

-Anonymous

5.19.07
"Some people say that
I must be a horrible
person, but that's not
true. I have the heart
of a young boy...
in a jar on my desk."

-Stephen King

5.18.07
"When I was a boy I was
told that anybody could
become President; I'm
beginning to believe
it."

-Clarence Darrow

5.17.07
"Someday we'll look
back on this moment
and plow into a
parked car."

-Evan Davis

5.16.07
"I told my kids,
"Someday, you'll
have kids of your
own." One of them
said, "So will
you."

-Rodney Dangerfield

5.15.07
"The Republicans have
a new healthcare
proposal: Just say
NO to illness!"

-Mark Russell

5.14.07
"Very little is known
of the Canadian country
since it is rarely
visited by anyone but
the Queen
and illiterate sport
fishermen."

-P. J. O'Rourke

5.13.07
"When did I realize
I was God? Well, I
was praying and I
suddenly realized
I was talking to
myself."

-Peter O'Toole

5.12.07
"I played a lot of
tough clubs in my time.
Once a guy in one of
those clubs wanted to
bet me $10 that I was
dead. I was afraid
to bet."

-Henny Youngman

5.11.07
"We live in an age when
pizza gets to your home
before the police."

-Jeff Marder

5.10.07
"How to make a million
dollars: First, get a
million dollars."

-Steve Martin

5.9.07
"I still say a church
steeple with a lightning
rod on top shows a lack
of confidence."

-Doug MacLeod

5.8.07
"The person who knows
how to laugh at himself
will never cease to be
amused."

-Shirley Maclaine

5.7.07
"There is nothing wrong
with Southern California
that a rise in the ocean
level wouldn't cure."

-Ross MacDonald

5.6.07
"In the beginning the
Universe was created.
This has made a lot of
people very angry and
been widely regarded as
a bad move."

-Douglas Adams

5.5.07
"Nobody will ever win
the battle of the sexes.
There's too much
fraternizing with the
enemy."

-Henry Kissinger

5.4.07
"I just wrote on all
the walls, take that
society!"

-Anonymous

5.3.07
"What if the nazi's
invented the easy
bake oven....."

-Az, at the bar

5.2.07
"Don’t knock
masturbation. It’s
sex with someone I
love."

-Woody Allen, Annie Hall

5.1.07
"Gentlemen, you can’t
fight in here! This
is the War Room!"

-Peter Sellers
Dr. Strangelove

4.30.07
"That’s what I love
about these high school
girls, man. I keep
getting older, they
stay the same age."

-Matthew McConaughey,
Dazed and Confused

4.29.07
"So a baby seal walks
into a club...."

-Unknown

4.28.07
"You won't like yourself
much, but you'll laugh"

-Peter Griffen, Family Guy

4.27.07
"Hey, go play some records
backwards and kill yourself"

-Skwisgaar Skwigelf,
Metalocalypse

4.26.07
"Hey fatso! We got your
favorite thing!
Disappointment!"

-Pickles the drummer,
Metalocalypse

4.25.07
"I don't know what a holla
back gurl is, but I wish
she were dead!"

- Brian Griffin, Family Guy

4.24.07
"Ooo look! Streamers!
Now it IS a party!!"

- Venom, the Amazing Spiderman

4.23.07
"What?!? You wanna kiss
me pretty boy?"

- Alejandro Rae, Blade Trinity

4.22.07
"Man you look just like a
monkey f*ckin a football!"

-Anonymous

that will get you started

Strangely, in slow
motion replay, the
ball seemed to hang
in the air for even
longer."

funny

asrae,,,I'll come back with mine tomorrow