What would be your idea of a good date?

Food & sex of course

Please fill this out for your file, I like to keep my records straight...

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
1. Present it to the president of the United States.
2. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
3. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
1. Innocence.
2. Idealism.
3. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
2. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
1. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
2. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
3. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the basepath,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
1. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
2. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
3. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
1. A cat.
2. A dog.
3. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
3. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
3. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
1. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
2. "They're in school already?"
3. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
1. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
2. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
3. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
1. He was being tested.
2. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
3. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
1. Democracy.
2. Religion.
3. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

May 26. Wait. What?

We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and why Cucumbers are Better than Men. It's about time we had
Beer vs. Cucumbers
Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers

* You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
* Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides.
* Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow moldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.
* Beer is always in season.
* Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)
* Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer

* Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
* Cucumbers have fewer calories.
* Your spouse won't complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.
* You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
* Your spouse won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
* You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
* You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
* Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
* You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
* A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
* You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
* You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.

Now that I got all that out in the open, WHO'S Ready for a DATE?

I assume this all a joke.

Why Coffee is Better than Men

1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3am.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3am and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mould.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

A Dog Called "Sex"
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair.

One last dating advice and I'll leave ya be...

How Not to be Eaten by a Duck

1. Avoid smearing yourself in stale breadcrumbs unless absolutely necessary.
2. If threatened by a duck, climb a tree. Ducks, usually excellent climbers, refuse to share trees with anything else.
3. Carry a large automatic weapon with you whenever walking past a river or pond.
4. Become a microbiologist and develop a duck form of myxamatosis.
5. Become an electronics whizz and build a battery-powered thingy that repels ducks by means of ultrasound.
6. Become a physicist and repel ducks. And everything else.
7. Carry a tin whistle in your shirt pocket or handbag and practise duck-charming techniques to buy time to escape, should you be threatened.
8. Move to Siberia. As far as I know, no ducks live near there.
9. If you can't beat them, join them: Whilst ducks may be vicious, they are civilised creatures and the idea of cannibalism disgusts them. Rather than just getting another pullover from your granny next Christmas, ask her for a duck costume instead.
10. Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, perhaps even travel in it. Never leave your car. Remember to check it for ducks first.
11. Go on a safari holiday to Africa, go to see the lions and jump out of the Land Rover into the middle of a hungry pride. I'd like to see a duck try to reach you then.
12. Contract Anorexia Nervosa and wear tight clothing to make sure the ducks realise they'd be wasting their time eating you.
13. Sneak onto the set of a film about the middle ages and steal some chain mail.
14. Ask God to reconsider whether they were worth putting on the planet in the first place. Be polite.
15. Make friends with lots of plump, tasty-looking people. Hang about with them all the time, after making sure you can run faster than all of them.
16. Do not mistake ducks for geese. Geese will allow themselves to be petted and stroked and even hand-fed whilst ducks will take your arm off at the first available opportunity.
17. Do not accept any offers from shifty-looking blokes in cars who enquire as to whether you would like to come with him to see some baby ducklings.
18. Learn Judo or Karate. Practise sparring only with very short people.
19. Buy a few readily-killed ducks from Tesco and string the beaks around your neck along with a few bones and a feather headdress. Walk around half-naked covered in warpaint with a large knife and a collection of fearsome facial expressions. They ought to get the idea then.
20. Live solely on garlic, onions, leeks, kebabs, truffles, beetroot and Ferrero Rocher. Never brush your teeth, breathe through your mouth and you should be safe provided you never holiday in France.
21. Carry several different types of underarm deodorant with you throughout the day. Keep changing your smell so that ducks cannot follow your scent and track you to your home.
22. Never write any novels denouncing duck deities. If you do, apologize and go into hiding.
23. Constantly chew at least ten sticks of gum simultaneously. Keep dropping lumps so that any inquisitive ducks will have their beaks glued shut.
24. Marinade yourself in white wine, strip naked and drape yourself invitingly on a large plate. The ducks may think it a little too good to be true and will stay away, suspecting a booby-trap.

I changed my mind. June 3 is better.

A candlelight dinner in a nice restaurant with a quiet atmosphere with only soft music being played by a band that you can hold each other and dance to while feeling the heartbeat of each other. Then a stroll in the evening clear of any clouds alongside a stream outside the city's noise holding hands while you momentarily stop and look into each other's eyes and you tell that person that is the only place you want to be right now. The softness of the flow of water hitting the shore is matched and surpassed only by the beating of your hearts. You look up and see a shooting star and you make a wish that time itself would stand still so that moment would last forever in your memory.

She shows up.
She's nice.
She's attractive.
She finds me attractive.
We have good conversation, we have a good meal, or a good time.
We both think it would be good to do it again.

That would be a good date.