...which way to go? Do I follow my heart or my head? How do I know what's best?

I've either just lost my mind, or I am going through a midlife crisis, could be both. I need some advice, perhaps a good swift kick in the a** to knock some sense into me. I'll try to be brief though it's complicated.

I'm a 38 yr old single Mom. Just left a job I've had for 9 years that supported my teenage son and I. Most of those years I've managed alone, his father not too involved in our lives. I've tried to do right by my son, give him a strong foundation for becoming a man and feel I've done a pretty decent job all things considered. We are extremely close and he's a great kid for the most part. Our only real issue stems from anger about his father's absence in his life.

Starting over is going to be difficult to say the least and I'm inclined to think this might be a good opportunity for my son to go stay with his Dad for a short period of time, until I can get back on my feet. They will have to face the issue and I'm hoping it will bring closure for my son one way or the other. He will either learn what I already know about the man, or he will bond with him and they will have a stronger relationship. It might also make him appreciate the sacrifices I've made all these years, perhaps he'd even treat me a little better when he came home. I could use the time to reconnect with myself, relearn who I am as a person and not just as a MOM. I don't regret giving up all I did, and I'm certainly not looking to turn my back on my child or abandon him. I honestly think this might be the best thing for him right now, and for me.

My head is telling me to consider it. My heart is telling me there's no way I can give him to his father, he's my whole world. Is it selfish to want a break, for his father to step up and take the responsibility for a bit while I do some soul searching, and try to find my way? I am utterly at a loss here and would appreciate any and all thoughts.

Your situation is difficult. Is his father ready and able to care for him? Will he want to give him back in a short time? That would be harder for your son. Is joint custody possible?At age 38 you should have some freedom to decide your future needs.
Is it education and the need for a better job. Any single parent groups in your area? Parents Without Partners has been good for a lot of people.

I hope you have some family to help you.
Wishing you Well and good luck

have you considered that his anger may come from the feeling of desertion towards his father

and if you ship him off to be with his father those feelings
may expand to you

not saying it would be bad to send him there

but just make sure he is ok with it and remember

he may want to stay once he gets there

good luck

Don't know the age of your son or how things are between you two. I would hope you can set down & have a talk with him & make it a joint decision. If this is not poss., then you need to chose & go forward. You are the MOM.

He's 15 years old and although he loves me tremendously, he also blames me for his father being mostly absent. He has transferred that anger and resentment that he holds for his father to me and I can't seem to make him understand that. We have sat down and talked about it at length on many occasions. Our relationship is solid except for this issue and I'm afraid if he doesn't deal with it with his father, he will not be able to move into adulthood as a man.

Will his father keep him for long? Probably not, he's not very responsible and I think my son will see what he needs to see in a relatively short period of time. But on the other hand, maybe this will force his father to man up, be the Dad his kid has wanted his whole life and they could begin to have a relationship. I'm confident that no matter what I could never lose my son to him, we are far too close for that to ever happen. I just feel like he needs to see for himself why his father hasn't been involved, stop blaming me or himself for that.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to respond and offer best wishes. I pray I make the right decision.

With that age factor & the comment on a continued debate about dad; I say send him to dad while you reorganize. Explain that he can come back at ANYTIME he choses, with good reason. He is a young man, so treat him as such. Tell him you hope that this experience with his father will help you both put this behind you. Or help bring some neutral ground to this constant battle.
My son came to live with his Stepmom & I at 14.5, after 8 yrs of seperation & a nasty divorce between his mother & I.
If you want further conversation, feel free to contact me.

Tread very carefully, one thing you said bothers me, that this decision will - force - the father to step up and be a dad. If he hasnt done this on his own, I dont think he ever will. And dont force your son to go. It should be a mutual agreement, that if it sucks at his dad's he can come home. And at your sons age he will hold resentment for you and his father till he is way more mature. Or has kids of his own.

Misswright...have you talked all of this out with the dad? If so and it is agreed that he would be ok with your son living with him for a while, then you and the father should sit down (both together) and talk this over with your son. That way, you can get everything out on the table so there will be no misconceptions in the future.

Good luck to you!!

Oldsage...thank you. I may take you up on the offer and send ya an email.

Justme...I agree whole heartedly, I can't force a relationship or a bond. I'm just hoping that giving them some time together to explore each other might start the process of becoming father and son. At the very least, my son will have had a chance to know his Dad, will stop blaming himself for his absence.

mb...I haven't even begun to discuss this with his father. We are not on speaking terms and I will only initiate contact if my son wants to do this. At that point I am willing to be the bigger person and offer the olive branch, sit down just the three of us and discuss the future. I don't even know if he would agree to take him, but he's recently been trying to turn his life around and I have a glimmer of hope that my son factors in somehow. Maybe this is what they both need.

Thank you for the advice. It does not fall on deaf ears.

Well, it is important for children to have both a mother and a father, if your son wants to live with his dad for a while, let him. Don't force him to go if he doesn't want to, but also support his decision if he decides to go. Ask your son what he wants to do.

I can't say I have much to add to this topic since I don't have any kids, but I can see how much you care and love your son. I'm a firm believer that you know what's best. Follow your heart. The brain wreaks havoc on us sometimes. Don't try to rationalize it too much. Just believe in the decision and have lots of room for grace.

Good luck!

Well I am the only one saying this but I am going to say it any way...I think you are making a big mistake! I myself don't see how any mother could send their child away to stay with their father for any reason at all. I myself don't want to come across as a bytch but have you thought that its a little bit late for you to worry about your son having a relationship with his father now?
He is 15 and OMG that is a terrible age. I think that is when my son started going through all kinds of different things. If his father is not a very good role model, how do you know that your son won't get involved into all kinds of different things? Sure, he could get involved into things with you...but I am sure that you know his ways a bit better because you know him. His father knows absolutely nothing about him...he won't know if he has a personality change..how can he watch for those signs? I don't really think he can.
I had a best friend that let her son go live with his grandmother because thats what he wanted, pluse she wanted to party. She felt like it was the right thing to do...yep she felt that way for about 2 weeks, then she wanted him back. I begged her to stop and think about things...I kept telling her, what kind of mother could let her son leave and you give up custody. In my opinion..not a good mother.
Have you thought about that? Here in Indiana you have to give up your custodial rights in order for your child to attend school and for the other parent to have any say so. I think the first thing you need to do is really search deep within your heart before you ever let him walk out that door. At this age kids are very vulnerable. I would hate for him to be hurt. I know you only want what is best for your son...to be honest, once we have kids, who cares what we want~~we need to worry about raising our kids, our time will come when we are done raising them!!!
Good luck

Thank you for the honesty unsure. I was so hoping someone would respond exactly as you did because that's the reasoning that is making this so difficult. Unfortunately this is so complicated, I wish I could fill it all in here but I can't. I can assure you I'm not looking to go out and party, nor am I walking away from my son. The courts are not involved so that is not an issue. It would be a mutual agreement between the three of us.

You are right, 15 is a tough age. He is becoming a man and making decisions that could affect the rest of his life. I trust that I've raised him well and he will make the right choices. His father may not recognize changes but I certainly will and I will be there when he gets hurt by him. Why in God's name would a mother expose her child to be hurt? Because he's already hurting, and he blames himself. My hope is that he will put the pain behind him and realize he is a great kid, see his Dad for what he is and be able to go forward in his life without that guilt. You can call me a bad mother, I can't feel any worse than when I think about not having him with me, but I am only trying to do what's best for my boy.