To : Charnel
I never imagined you and I, out of all the people in this world, would go through something so devastating as we are.Throughout the years, we created some beautiful memories. We climbed all the way to the top together, only to slip and fall as soon as we got there. And though I may have contributed to that fall, I tried so hard to hold on to you. My heart shattered into a million pieces.
All I ever wanted was my own family. I dreamed of falling in love with a woman, getting married, buying a beautiful home and grow old together, and it came true when I met you.
I guess it goes without saying that you made all of that feel real for me. You made those dreams come true. I wanted nothing more than to be the best husband, a romantic lover, the most selfless provider, and one day, that great dad. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, I don’t think anyone’s is , but I love you so much.
Eventually, the music died down, the lights shut off, and our journey came to an abrupt halt.
You were gone.
Suddenly, everything that was so familiar about life felt so foreign. I’m lost without you. All I have left are the memories and dreams of us that I know will never come true.
There are a few things that I never had/have the opportunity to tell you in person.… And this is how I really feel, and you are not obliged to respond….It’s something you should know, and although I deserve this pain, I need not be reminded of what harm I caused you, as I am experiencing the pain you felt. So here goes…..
Every time I called you, I looked forward to hearing you answer the phone. You would say “hello” in this voice that sounded so innocent and so loving. We used sit up listening to music till early parts of the morning, talking, laughing, that awkward silence just before we kissed, those times when we would fall asleep holding each other. The way you used to cuddle up against me during those winter nights, and the times you slept over me during the summer ones. The way you used say “Look at me “ with those big puppy dog eyes, the way we used to kiss, our first real kiss on your couch in ext 11, the one Paulina broke, (my heart still pounds like that when I think that kiss) that funny dance move you used to do, our episode with the wendy house, the time I cleaned up after you and that it didn’t even upset my stomach when I did it.
You danced with me and that it never mattered to you if I could or not, that even recently you asked me to put on your shoes, I did so without hesitation, the way you used to smile at me when I came home from work, the fact that you were never angry with me for days but a mere few hours, and even in those moments of awkward silence, I used to still feel your LOVE for me. That you could cook anything and I would never complain, the smell of you baking, and knowing how happy you were because you watching us eat was that happiness you felt. And it never changed. It was never about how wealthy I was or not. You shouldered more than anyone could have handled, that if it were me I would have caved. I was blessed and proud to have you as a wife, I was safe with you. You always made me look good even though I was not the best looking guy around, it’s true.
And THEN, you gave me the most beautiful experience any person in the world would re-live every day, the day we found out you were pregnant, the months that followed, the nights I used to lay by your tummy, rubbing your feet, the silly questions I used to ask you about the pregnancy, the waiting in anticipation, finding out if it were a boy or girl, the times we argued over names, who would it look like(and I can say, just as beautiful as you) the day you said it’s time and the comedy of errors that followed us during the day, to witness life coming from you, and that I was a part of it, that will never leave me and for that I’m eternally grateful . It always reminded me of the beginning of our relationship and a few of many reasons why I fell in love with you. Who would have thought things so simple in life could be the most desired and powerful qualities a couple could have? It’s what made you unique.
You know what? I still look at you because to me you are the most beautiful person in the world. I didn’t care what you were wearing, whether you had make-up on. I’d look at you and get lost in your laugh and your smile. In my eyes you have not aged a day since I met you at that concert. That even when you smile I still see the gold in your mouth, that reddish tinted hair, your captivating beautiful eyes, which I think is what gets you your way, by the way…….How I long for you to look at me that way again.
Whatever flaws you believed you had, I loved. You became and was my best friend. I wanted so much more for the both of us. Sometimes, though, in life we have to accept the unexpected. I lost my way over the last couple of years. Our worlds needed to fall apart, so we can put them back together the way they were meant to be.
There was and is nothing more important to me than your happiness, and knowing you have that means the world to me, even though I cannot be apart of it. Our lives took different paths, but that can never take away from the memories we shared.
I’m much of the same Trevs you knew, but a little different. I no longer live with that hate, anger and fear no more, and I’m sure as time goes by you will see that in me.
I’m disappointed we never got to finish writing our happily ever after, but I’ll never be angry with you, I’ll never hate you, I’ll never dis-respect you and I’ll never be dishonest about my emotions. I was given an amazing opportunity to love and be loved, an amazing experience. These last couple of weeks it made me realise that the love you gave me brought me to so many beautiful places, taught me so much about life and gave me memories I’ll cherish forever. Remember that the memories I have be it good or bad defined us as a couple. How can I ever be angry about that? I LOVE you….. It’s devastating that I realised this only after I lost you…..
And finally, to you - I’m sorry for causing you that pain, emotional neglect, lack of attention, bad words, not trusting you, hurt that I should have not caused you because you had experienced it before me, and abusing your love to secure my insecurities. You were right in saying I’m nasty, I understand, a little to late.
I spoke, when I should have listened, I jumped, when I should have remained, I screamed, when I should have been calm, I ignored, when I should have cared, I overlooked, when I should have appreciated, I was selfish, when I should have been giving, I was angry, when I should have been happy, I was boring, when I should have been fun, I judged, when I need to be compassionate, I withheld, when I should have been intimate, I caged myself, when I should have been free, and the worst of all I HURT YOU, WHEN I SHOULD HAVE LOVED YOU, UNCONDITIONALLY FOREVER, WITHOUT DOUBT, WITHOUT FEAR, WITH TRUST.
Believe me and I can say this, that more than anything, I wanted to spend forever with you by my side. Everything I did in my life was to ensure yours would be all you dreamed it to be. Even now I would chop off one hand just to be allowed to embrace you with the other. This is the honest truth. I tried my best, I really did.
Unfortunately, I fell short.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have held you tighter during our first dance and picked a song that never ended.
I’m not perfect, and I never want people to think that I am. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve done things I’m not proud to admit, and I’ve made decisions I wish I could take back. But I loved and love you with every bone in my body, with every beat of my heart and every inch of my soul. I didn’t project my love for you the way I should have, but I know for sure I loved and still love you with everything. My love for you is in such a way that your happiness was always mine.
The fact that I still LOVE YOU, it’s the loss of you, that emptiness, that feeling I used to feel from you no longer remains, those eyes that was once filled with so much passion is but a blank stare at me, to see you everyday and not be able to share my thoughts with you, hold, hug, kiss, laugh, talk or even just grab you, the fact that I probably lost you to another and that you rather share these experiences with them, is the most intense, painful experience of my life, and for the first time in my life, I actually know how I made you feel these last couple of months. What an ugly feeling to have, that if I had to compare, its worse than grieving for someone that has passed on.
I finally understand why you fell in love with me, and it’s 23.17pm 24/09/2017, after we spoke and said goodnight, It dawned on me, that at one point in your life someone asked you, Why Trevor?, and I know exactly what you said. I wish that I was that person now because it was the most simplest overlooked quality that you saw in me, that I didn’t even know I had, and that I lost it through ignorance. I’m sorry I did not maintain myself as a man, you as wife and life partner, our family and friends.
I’m such a fool…….I abused your TRUST and LOVE, for that I’m eternally sorry. It may not change your view about me but find in your heart to do so. The conversation we had on the 24/09/2017 will be one of the most important to me, I listened and learned so much about us and myself that not even the 10 years we spent together can compare to the few hours we chatted.
I’m hurting now, I cry a-lot, more for the the way I became as a person, to myself, you, the kids, and people. There has been some subtle and humbling changes I have made, and I have not fully reached that point of content, but, and I know it’s a-lot to ask of you right now, as we spend the last couple of days/months in this house, try to find it in your heart to make me feel a little loved, appreciated and welcomed, not as a partner but as a person, because when before we first met I was unsure, until you showed me otherwise.
On paper I lost my wife, in reality I lost my soul mate, my family, my love. It’s difficult for me to carry on as half a person, in time I know I will…. And maybe our paths will cross again…. you will see that old Trev’s with an upgrade and hopefully we can start over. You will always be in my heart, no other can replace you…. This I know is true my BABYGIRL.
I LOVE YOU DOLL…..

So beautifully written...
Can I use this on some women I know?

Heartfelt...

Thank you for sharing...

I am so sorry for your loss..

Thank you for sharing.

Yeah go for it. Mine was thrown in the bin. Maybe ures wud be accepted

So I'm assuming this topic is a place to come and say things that we never said out loud or to anyone else or maybe we should have said but did not??..

If so I have something to say!!

I have never known you to be shy in saying what you will. But go for it.
The OP shared his heartfelt message to his ex, so some respect for the OP's thread would be graciously warranted.