I get a lot of funny e-mails...I'll just keep addin' 'em here instead of making a new post for each one...


Subject: Big People Words


A class of kindergartners was trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby talk!" "You need to use 'Big People' words," She was always reminding them.

She asked Alec what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people 'words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Chris what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Chris thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,





"Winnie the SH!T."

LOL

lmaothat's awesome

Best laugh I've had today

DEER Meat




A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.




Well, he said, 'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'




The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged


Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia -- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic -- Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.........

Paranoid -- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.......

Agoraphobia -- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Senile Dementia -- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder -- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder -- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

What Larry the Cable Guy says about Missouri

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through
May, you live in Missouri

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and
they don't work there, you live in Missouri

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you
live in Missouri

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
who dialed a wrong number, you live in Missouri

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of KANSAS CITY for
the weekend, you live in Missouri

If you measure distance in acres of farm land, you live in Missouri

If you know several people who have hit a cow more than
once, you live in Missouri.

If you have gone from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and
back again you live in Missouri.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Missouri.

If you install security lights on your house and garage,
but leave both unlocked, you live in Missouri.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to
use them, you live in Missouri.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit, you live in Missouri.

If the I-29 speed limit is 75 mph -- you're going 90 and
everybody is passing you, you live in Missouri.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow, you live in Missouri.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter and road construction, you live in Missouri.

If you have more hours on your snow blower than miles on
your car, you live in Missouri.

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Missouri.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope,
sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done.

Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, " Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said,

"Let me see the f*cking map again."