I certainly have felt both, and would prefer neither. But I Stand by my experience, I came to terms with my dads passing in weeks, my husbands betrayal still haunts and impacts how I view men. Death is an inevitable reality that a person has little control over , betrayal is not.

msharmony,I have also lost my Parents and,I fail to see how your Husbands betrayal can ever compare with the death of your Father, I take it that you loved both,your Husband betrayed you, your Father died,and yet you are still Haunted by the betrayal,and you let that control how you feel about Men, maybe you should hold up the example of your Father-as to your feelings of Men,please read my reply to Igor,and maybe you will see why I answered you in such a Manner.

Your feelings about what you've been through are different than ours. We are not wrong.

And you are entirely wrong to claim that I (or, I suspect, msharmony) "let [the betrayal we suffered] control" how we feel. It is frankly insulting of you to make such an accusation. If you don't understand that you have insulted us, try reversing what you said, and pretend that I accused you of "letting" your parents deaths cause you to refuse to recognize the pain that others go through, and to make self-serving declarations about others, which you cannot support.

I do hold my father up as to my feelings about what type of Father a man should be,,we were not romantically involved and he and my moms marriage ended

so , for me, my husbands betrayal was much worse because of the fact that it was something he CHOSE, something that did not have to happen, that hurt ,,,my dads death wasnt his choice , had to happen someday, and hurt as well

but the fact that one person took my trust and chose to hurt me, hurts much worse,,,for me

Making self serving declarations,what on earth are you talking about,
it's my opinion,get off your high horse, are you serious that you feel as if I am insulting you,if so-then you are not really grasping the reality of the subject, of course we all feel pain, whether through death or betrayal,the point I was trying to put across,was that for me,the pain I felt from losing my wife,was far greater than any I had felt from being betrayed,so don't come at me with your idiotic verbalization's that I can't support my own statements.

worse comes to worst let us all be kind and accept that we all have different views as everyone is unique. peace and love to all thank you once again for sharing your thoughts on this very delicate and difficult topic.

hhhhmmm

Excellent. You have directly said the same exact thing to me now, that I said to you, though you still don't realize it.

All you need to do now, is realize that we are true equals in this universe, you with your sufferings, me with mine. Are YOU responsible for "letting" your pain make you decide as you have? For insisting that your pain is universally worse than ours? And that therefore you are entirely wrong to "let" it affect YOUR life as it clearly has, going forward?

Peace be with you all brothers and sisters

Igor, I am not for one moment insisting that my pain is universally worse than anyone else's, and as for the pain, it does subside, and it does take time, I am going forward with my life, if I can reiterate a little clearer, the Question was about betrayal or Death, I fell on the side of death, and gave my reasons for doing so, of course we are true equals in life, and because of that, I just find the idea of betrayal a worse experience than the loss through death-not compatible with my feelings on the matter, that is an equal response,as was yours, I don't understand you animosity towards my point of view, or is that something you haven't realized yet.

When it comes to injury and pain, the word "should" doesn't apply. We each feel and suffer whatever it is that we feel and suffer. And each person's experience, and each experience a given person goes through, can be entirely unique to them.

What we feel and how much damage is done to us, isn't something that we DECIDE, any more than a person who is caught in an explosion DECIDES that they will or wont have a limb torn from their body. What happens to us is affected by how far along in life we are, by our own ability to understand what is happening to us, by how those around us react, by the way that the society we are a part of sees us and our experience, and more.

When my close high school friend was murdered by wannabe devil worshipers, cut into pieces, and strew around the beltway, I was shocked, saddened past sadness, confused, and hurt. But the society around me buoyed me up, by also considering the death to be unjust, the perpetrators to be vile, and my pain to be entirely understandable. When my mother very recently died, similarly, everyone around me, even those not yet old enough to comprehend what death really means, still understood my inability to function, my emotional collapse for several days, and how I continue to react differently to others concerning motherhood and so on.

When I was betrayed very young, by girlfriends who thought it was normal to lie about their feelings, and say rude things about me behind my back, it was upsetting, but not particularly damaging. By that time, I was used to other children saying whatever they had to to get the "treats" they wanted.

But later, when my fiance betrayed me silently, repeatedly, telling everyone around me BUT me; and when most of my friends thought it was "just one of those things," and that they should take advantage of my ignorance and my pain, to make personal gains in their own lives...and more.. that was a bit more comprehensively damaging to my life. That particular betrayal was vastly more involved than simple cheating on a might out of town. It involved the society I was a part of, declaring ME to be the one with the problem. All of their previous YEARS of talk about loyalty, and dedication to living by principle, and to seeing to each others' needs and lives, was all proclaimed by their actions to have been idle chat. Just a set up for me and others to walk into for their entertainment.

Naturally, that degree of betrayal had rather a greater effect on my life, necessitating changes to every single portion of it.

Was the pain greater than the death of my mother and my friends? No, of course not. But the just as severe physical damage forever changes what it possible to do in a person's life, the changes in perception, the changes in what I could afford to trust, the meaning of promises, and the entire structure of a person's psychological and social lifetime, can be forever changed by some non-death-related experiences.

Most people learn at one time or another, in the romantic aspects of life, that love, however they define it, does not guarantee anything. Once they do learn that lesson, they forever lose the wonderful feeling of foreverness and joy that the "falling in love" sensation offers.

Similarly, once a person who you thought cared deeply about you takes the words "to love and cherish," and turns them into a mocking joke, it's impossible to trust hearing them again. Because once you thoroughly understand that all that person is saying is that AT THAT MOMENT, they THINK they will always care, that knowledge remains with you forever. It's still NICE to hear "I love you," but you'll never feel that sense of wonder about it again.

I'll never see my mother again. I'll never have the childhood wonder about love again. Is one worse than the other? No. But one will last all of my life, and one will fade as I come to understand and accept my own mortality.

Well Igor, after that, it would be totally wrong for me to be critical in any way, of course it go's without saying that I sympathize with what you have been through,and nothing will ever change the past,I hope for your sake you have found a way of coping,the different feelings we all experience in life are countless.

and alls well that ends well

was beginning to feel this was the worst topic ive ever posted thank you guys

after a while, you discover that you really never know what others have been through until you have had time to observe,,,,,


I am sorry there has been such tragedy in your life Igor,,

it is hard when those we love have suffered so senselessly, my dads passing was a stroke and my faith helped me resolve that he is in a better place and still watching over me, ,,,,

I am not sure how a scientist can achieve such closure or if faith is a question there, but hopefully you find/have found a way

Well, I've known many people who have been through worse.

As for how I have learned to deal with everything that I've run into, or that has run over me as it were, is just to keep on. Nothing much else TO do, really.

I do work as hard as I can, to NOT blame others for what they aren't actually responsible for. I tried that early on (because I saw so many other people do it), and it either made my life worse, or accomplished nothing at all, for a lot of work, and a lot of danger to my stomach lining. If I get an ulcer, it doesn't punish my opponents, it just hurts me. And raises my expenses.

Death for sure

That sums it up