Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during th e day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooo catch!!!!!

You read my mind. Damn that liquid courage!

pmlol well put

I had a dope problem but the treatment center made me go to AA and I got kickrd out for saying I was an addict instead of an Alcoholic. TRUE STORY around 1986 when i was young and dumb

That's always been a big debate, How Bill W's words are perceived.

last call

i have a hiennnnnnnnnnn


a hiennnnnnnnn

a hiieeeeeennnnnnnnn

i'll have a bud


this is why budweiser is the top selling beer

I never lost control with booze but I didnt have an off switch with the powder. Im not an alcoholic I can have one and stop. DR bob was a junkie the other founder of AA. I know guys back in the day that smoked weed and would still get their AA medallions.

i dont mind two or three oh sh****t wrong topic

catchme_ifucan : I don't drink because I don't like to miss all the nuance of living thats going on constantly around us. While I suppose most of us need to loosen our ties now and then, I don't need to be any more uninhibited.

Brilliant

This was a joke "slowtogetit" sent me!

I don't drink cuz then I would be wanting to dance on the tables!!!
& OMG!! I'm a big ol' gurl & need to keep my azz off them!!

& cuz Lilly comes out & she always ends up with some wild cowboys clothes on my floor!!!


I'm totally kidding!

I've hardly drank in years & never had a problem with it..

And I thought I was Mr. Alcohol's biggest fan......

Old Al was a good friend of mine last night. Kicked him out around 2am - don't think I'll see him again til next week. Good mate in small doses - thanks for reminding me