My oldest son, age 26, moved out for 6 months - then moved back in.... failure to launch.

I have been his only parent since he was 15 years old, and I can be too soft (admittedly).

He's had a rough time, his father is ...out of the picture and had a negative affect on him, for most of his life. I am, in some ways, trying to make up for that.

How can I inspire him to get some ambition, without making him feel like he's a failure?

I am NOT good at tough love - period - so it doesn't do much good to give me that sort of advice. It's not that I don't understand it - I just can't do it.

Thought I would toss this out for anyone who might have been in the same situation.

You are wise to address and admit your difficulty I strongly urge not listening to strangers who are not knowledgeable and choose a local counselor to help you acquire the necessary social skills to help you become more assertive and a helpful parent. Good intentions are nice but seldom have sufficient information to bring about needed changes in yourself and your son. This is an important decision and I hope you give it serious consideration

I don't think you need to see a counselor to be more assertive. Speaking from the other end of the boot, it is really difficult these days to be able to afford a place as a single person. I live with my parents and don't know what I would do without their love and support. He's not failed, he just needs more time.
As a single person, I would find it extremely difficult to be able to afford my own place even though I work.

they are not going to fly right out of the coop. Mine didn't either ( 2 boys)

Of course they could come back and they did, but I made it clear that they need to learn how to " fly".. and that I would support them in any attempt they made as long as they made the attempts.. daily

I told them that they have to do something positive everyday towards their future, work hard.. save.. ect, ect no partying during the week.

and above all they were to respect MY house and my lifestyle. I wasn't hard on them and I did encourage them and help them. And yes, at times that was financially. ( classes or training that would help them in their work. stuff like that.

One left again.. when the time was right and started his life...he still hit my wallet from time to time, but it was for valid thing.. the car broke, ect.

The other left and came back about 6 months later.. we went thru the same drill again and 5 months later her left.

Now they both have been out for 8 or so years. And they have they own families.. their own lives.

So, in reality I think that they need to learn how to swim.. and when they go " under" you pick them up.. dry em off and put them back in the "pool. Eventually they learn how to swim by themselves

inni_dreamz, you didn't say why he moved back in.

I went through a similar thing as you are. Was a single mom from the time my son was 9. I have two kids a daughter and a son. My daughter, had bought her own house by the time she was 21.

My son well lets just say he had more issues with life and had a harder time. From the time he was 20 till he was 27 he moved in and out several different times...

Sure I let him every time never made him pay rent or grocery's. He did help me around the house and I enjoyed having him and his friends around..

Sure I wanted my freedom to but..... I grew up with a step mom and could not wait to move out.. Always said no matter what my kids would always know they had a place to live.....and feel at home till they felt they could make it on their own.

Now he is 34 married, with a family of his own nice house and great paying job.... So guess somewhere down the line he found his nitch in life and went for it.....

Now if he ever moved in again I would charge him rent and he would have to help with grocery's.. As long as they don't take advantage of the situation and they get out there and work I don't have a problem with my kids living with me when they need a little help..

Now if it was one that did not want to work and laid around all day then there would have to be some tough love put in there.. rules laid out of how it was going to be and stick with it.

Thank you all so much, great advice and input!!

He moved back in because things didn't work out with the roomate. About 3 weeks later he got laid off from his job, and now he seems to be a little lost.

I am going to have to do a bit of the tough love thing. I agree, I always want my kids to feel like I am there for them, but not to the point where I am not preparing them for the realities of life - since I can't live forever.

I also agree that times are hard! My mom kicked me out at 17, and I had to live with a friend for 2 years before I could get out on my own.

I will never kick him out as long as I have a roof over my head. I do think he needs a pep talk - but he isn't very receptive.

I offered to pay for trade school and he told me he wasn't interested.

I disagree that its a bad idea to ask the folks here for input. There are a lot of good people here, and I may gain insight from others experiences.

Inni,
Do what you feel is best. You allowed your son to move in, so you must have felt this was the best thing for him.

I would suggest you don't stop trying to encourage your son to be motivated and move out again, and don't worry about him feeling like a failure. It's a journey to get through life and right now it's a time in that journey to be home again...
I have had my 28 year old in and out of the house several times in the last 10 years (I did charge a token for rent to remind him it's not free). They will eventually want to be out of the house and on their own.

My 2 cents...

Thank you ... It is good to hear I am not the only one.

He's a good kid - I am sure he will figure it out and I do want to support him.

What is he interested in?

He is still trying to figure that out. I think he inherited a bit of my capacity to be a dreamer. I grew out of it, to an extent - and realized I needed to make money to survive.

He thinks, because he does not want to have kids, that he doesn't need to make money (his words, not mine). He doesn't want to have a "soul $ucking" job. He's not interested in plumbing, tho - he shows potential for it - having worked on my house (self taught).

I understand where he's coming from, but I do not think he has a firm grip on reality. I don't know many people who want to slave away each day for just enough money to survive -but sometimes that's what it comes down to.

He's been reclusive since his return, staying in his room and making it awkward for me to try and talk to him.

Does he drive?Does he have his own car?Being able to own and drive your own car usually is enough to encourage a young man to want and find a job and have a car to get around...That was kinda my starting point when I was about 18 and paid my parents $100 a month for rent while I lived at home with them.My parents were a huge help to me and I'm doing the same with my kids.

Hi

Kenny, his car is broke and has been sitting in my driveway for over 6 months. I have started nagging him about it....

He lost his license due to a dui, and when I ask him what is going on with that he says "I don't know"...

Inni,I had 3 DUI's in the late 70's all on my motorcycles 1 just partying and getting pulled over for speeding and 2 a month apart trying to drink away the pain of the death of my oldest brother...(It didn't work)I did however manage to still work do a little jail time and pay my own fines BUT my parents were always there for me...My parents didn't give me "tough love" but I got it on my own through the court system by my own actions.The laws are a lot stricter today,maybe your son should try some AA meetings to help nip it in the bud before it gets out of control...It can get worse...Sorry to say this but it's true...

Oh Ya!And if he gets drunk and rides a pedal bike,he can get a DUI...

If he gets drunk and walks down the sidewalk,he can be picked up for Drunk In Public...

He really should not be drinking at all in this stage of the game...

Good Luck...

I wouldn't mind at all. Sometimes kids need a helping hand but if they don't want to do the work. ...tough love

My son works his butt off and we are great friends (I am mom 1st) so he would make an awesome roommate

Doesn't sound like your son wants to better himself

Thanks, Kenny - I have talked to him about it a LOT ...not drinking, certainly not driving anything while drinking. He's obviously learning this lesson the hard way.... :(


Yellowrose, I would like to believe it's not so much that he does not want to better himself - I think he's a little depressed. I plan to speak to him about the option of getting some counseling. He's a good kid, and I've seen him work hard - but right now he's not at his best, that much is clear.

Thanks for the input --- it is helpful to hear other's thoughts, ideas, experiences - and be able to discuss and work this out in my head.

how about a career counselor for him? would he try that? they have all kinds of aptitude/interest surveys and can help him match up some of his personality traits and different careers

Counseling only works if the object is wanting help. Otherwise it is a waste of time and money

That's a very good idea!! That's what I'll look into, and I think it will go over better than any other kind of counseling! Thank you :)