Hello,

I'm relatively new here. I am recently divorced and sort of open to meeting new friends, and so I opened this profile a few weeks ago. I just noticed there is a forum for Christians. I was really hurt by my church, and wondered if anyone else had been through the same thing.

My decision to divorce after 20 years of abuse was met with pressure to 'reconcile' at all costs by my 2 pastors. They entrapped me (March) with a 2-hour interrogation, during which I was told I have a "low view of Christ" because I repeated my ex-husband's insistence that he would not change. I was informed categorically that "abuse, even physical, is never biblical grounds for divorce". I sent them an 8-page statement documenting the highlights of the 20 years of abuse....it didn't matter to them. My ex husband was pulled into weekly "counseling" sessions, with a counseling pastor who, by his own admission, has virtually no experience counseling abusive men; and I was coerced into "counseling" (presumably to groom me to return to my ex-husband, which the female biblical counselor was reluctant to do.)

I spent several hours on the phone discussing the situation with the senior pastor, who is the one pushing so hard for this 'reconciliation', which none of us in the family, including the kids, want. He assured me in the spring that 'reconciliation' was absolutely dependent upon ex-husband's full repentance and change (which I knew would never happen).

Over the summer, our 19-year-old daughter was home from college and spent most of her time at ex-husband's house, where she was bullied and victimized; verbally berated and screamed at on a daily basis. I wrote to the pastors, asking for intervention - even attaching screenshots of her explanation of situation and pleas for help. She herself wrote to them the next day, begging for help. Nothing was done to stop the abuse. I documented pages and pages of abusive incidents that all 4 of the kids told me about (February - July), as well as many specific incidents of ex bad-mouthing me. Senior pastor emailed me at end of July (2 weeks after receiving email from adult daughter and me about ongoing abuse), asking me "where we are in reconciliation process" and "what growth and change have seen in [ex husband]". He acted as if we had never reached out to him concerned about the abuse.

I responded by explaining the ongoing toxicity of the situation; the fact that the one condition I had set out (that ex be evaluated by psychiatrist to address underlying mental health issues, before any 'biblical counseling' would begin) had not been met; and attached 6 pages of documented, ongoing abusive incidents (as well as testimony from kids that ex is not going to repent; and plays role of victim). It was ignored.

Six weeks later, I received a response: they (the 2 pastors) would like me to come in for another meeting, with the 2 of them, to again "discuss some difficult issues like the last time" and "some things we've observed" and the "reconciliation process". (Read: entrapment). They refuse to accept the fact that there is no repentance/change; rather, the woman has the burden of 'reconciliation' to abusive husband, because marriage is a 'covenant'.

So now, although I'd jumped through all of their hoops, seeing right through their bullying (cloaked in very spiritual-sounding language, of course), we're right back to where we were in March: they wanted to intimidate me into going back to abusive situation, in Jesus' Name, or else. (Many hours of theological debate have occurred between us, but since they make the rules and I am just a female abuse survivor, my word is meaningless.) Of course, I am not going to let myself be put back into that situation of meeting with the 2 of them, agenda already made clear, trying to back me into a corner. I spoke briefly with a lawyer last week, who, while agreeing this is harassment and is grossly unfair, advised me I simply have to stop fighting and leave because the court cannot protect me if I continue to go to the place where I'm being harassed. Online, I found a sample letter one can send to churches revoking one's membership preemptively (before they do their all-church gossip session about you; which they call "The Matthew 18 Process"), but churches have by-laws drawn up by lawyers to give them immunity in treating former members any way they want. I don't have the power or money to fight it, and to respond may just instigate them to pursue this "next step" (the public shaming). Last week, I sent a certified letter revoking my membership and asking them to leave me alone.

The same afternoon, I received ANOTHER e-mail from the pastor, pressuring me for another meeting to "start discussions about reconciliation".

Of course I already knew I was never going back; I had had to take the decision that gave me panic attacks and made me think my life was over last spring.

It was extremely painful mainly because my 3 younger kids are all invested there (teen son in particular) and refuse to leave. College-aged daughter is disgusted at the misogeny (I'm not the first women fleeing an abusive situation to be treated this way). I'd been serving at that church 11 years, much longer than current pastor (who is younger than me by about a decade), and if you had told me a couple years ago that I would be treated this way, I would never have believed it. No matter what I did, or how well I documented the situation - which is clear as day and is NEVER going to change; and my ex, whom they want me to reconcile with, despises me to the point even the kids are warning me not to go near him - these men have twisted lies into truth; black into white. No one protected me.....they care only about protecting my abuser's reputation.

So that's where I am....I don't know what to do. I hope to keep writing, for ministries that support us women in such situations. I was a conference speaker here in New England, as a biblical counselor. Maybe I'll find a venue to speak out on this.

I just felt the need to reach out and share my experience, because I was already in a lot of pain and the church just compounded it.

THE NUMBER ONE THING IN OUR LIVES THAT CAUSES MORE PAIN THAN ANY THING IS BEING

A SLAVE TO THE ''GOOD OPINION OF OTHERS''. THE ONLY WAY WE CAN BECOME AUTONOMOUS

IS TO GIVE UP OUR CHILDHOOD WISH TO BE LOVED BY EVERYONE......THIS MAY BE A

SHOCKER FOR YOU,,,''EVERYTHING ANYONE HAS SAID OR DONE TO YOU WAS ABOUT

THEM''...ANYWAY YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY GIVE UP BEING A SLAVE TO THE GOOD OPINION

OF OTHERS,,,AND THIS ALSO INCLUDES NEGATIVE OPINION OF OTHERS.....YOU ARE GOOD

ENOUGH JUST THE WAY YOU ARE....NO ONE SHOULD LIVE BY SOMEONE ELSE'S

YARDSTICK....GOOD LUCK AND YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO........

Thank you. That's pretty much what my Dad said.

This has caused so much pain (the main one being that I'm apart from my kids half the week), but the pastor just heaped another load of pain on top of it.

But yes; you're completely right about not being a slave to the opinions of others. It was only those 2 pastors anyway; everyone else was supportive of me. Thank you.

INSIDE OF YOU IS A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL ,EVERY WOMEN HAS ONE. ALL THE PROBLEMS

WOMEN HAVE IS BECAUSE HER INNER CHILD HAS BEEN WOUNDED.....WORK ON HEALING THE

INSIDE AND OUTSIDE WILL TAKE CARE OF ITS SELF.....

Celtic_slav,

Some preachers are bullies who should never be in the pulpit.

If I were you, then I'd find another church to attend.

Presbyterian pastors and Methodist pastors tend to be better at counseling people who have been battered spouses.

Thank you, I have. As of last week. It's much better.

I am sorry this happened to you
I would encourage you to seek out counseling in your community
with someone that has a degree in it

try not to confuse men who work in the church with Godly men

they are sinful beings like anyone else

walk in your faith and do what is best for you and your children

a good book on this subject is " why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft

I have that book by Bancroft....it's superb!