the you that you were at 18 and 21 and 24

is he or she still there..lurking just below the surface

of those silver side burns and laugh lines?


have things changed or is it..

the more things change the more they stay the same?


what qualities do you look for in a potential mate?

are they the same ones you have always searched for?

or have they changed as you matured?

I think they have changed a lot. If I marry in the future the relationship will be about us being happy and comfortable in a relationship. Not the family and or achieving the typical American "dreams". I could care less about buying or building another home, starting/building a business, or leaving any new "marks" on the world in general at this point. I don't even have a "bucket list " since I am happy with my life.

Hmm. Well. I've certainly learned to manage my moods better. And I have a much larger set of experiences to draw from, in order to understand the world. And of course, with age has come various deteriorations of physical abilities. I now need three pairs of glasses instead of one, for example.

But all in all, now that you mention it, I actually don't know that I've changed who I am all that much. Mostly, I discovered more about what I have pretty much always been, and adjusted as much of my life as I can, in order to allow for that.

Yup. I am a larger shadow of my former self. Former self being a super star athlete and sportsman....lean trim and meam...a legend in my own mind... Boy! did we ever have fun...Girls girls girls, fun fun fun...not a dang care in the world....College over...wake up call....Less fun , less girls,less time, no more playing sports...so larger waistlines...Marriage changed a lot of things, all for the better though....Then came divorce....and oh! wow.....back to college days..... well, kinda... Now you know exactly what you are looking for in a mate.....sure the quality choices have changed...now its not the most beautiful you search for...its the friendship on fire kinda girl you want...and you keep looking...

Oh mine have changed drastically over the years as I have come to accept my age and maturity.I am settled now, I own a home 10 miles from the ocean, have a decent job, so now my dreams are more based in reality, health, happiness,and the smaller things in life.I am so much happier now then when I was younger.

Hi Trish

A shadow?
No way. I think it all depends on each person.
People change all the time, it's part of who we are as human beings, it is a process of growing and evolution as individuals. It's different now, compared to how it used to be when I was 21, for example.


Maturity is something extremely important to me and I value that aspect in my life right now. A lot.
_________________________________

"We are all unique individuals with unique gifts to offer. And what makes us unique is our journey, for no two people have traveled the same path; no two people have experienced the exact same obstacles or advantages. No two people have traveled in the exact same direction at the exact same time in their lives. And no two people have the exact same perspective or interpretation of their life or their journey"

Rita Loyd.

mmhmmm...if you had asked me at say 23 which is how old I was when I got married..

to name the top five qualities I was looking for in a mate


I don't think meaningful conversation was on that list back then

I don't know where the Old me has gone to. Maybe stuck somewhere in twilight zone.
I made so many mistakes in the past, fell down , got up and learned from there. Life experiences made me the person I am today.
I am happier now than when I was 10, 20, 30 years ago.

Hi

Not really.
I'm just not my former self.
There are some things about my former self I wish I could recreate, but I know trying to would not lead to anything positive or I wouldn't be able to.
There are some things my former self would wish they could do but weren't capable of until they become the self they are right now.


No. I don't have multiple personality disorder.


The ones that are there.
The ones they value.
How they live up to those.
The ones they realize are there and the ones they don't.
How they believe they may have certain qualities but don't really have them.
How they try to express or exhibit qualities they don't really have.
How they believe they have one quality when it's really another.

I think I would be a real a-hole if I came up with a list of qualities I think the other person should have and ultimately dumped them because they didn't have my list.
Especially if they actually possessed qualities I didn't think of and epitomized them but I was too focused on coming up with, and checking off, my own list of what they should have to make me happy.


I've gotten better at recognizing and interpreting the information, which in turn has led to a lessening ability in emotional communication, primarily immediate emotional reciprocation.

You ever come across a forum post, read it, and have an immediate reaction like "they're a stupid poo poo head! I'm gonna immediately reply and refute it all! They're stupid!" and then do that, even though it's driven purely by an emotional reaction (possibly just to have fun)?
That's immediate reciprocating emotional communication.
They expressed themselves, you felt one way, you immediately "honestly" communicated a response.

You ever come across a forum post, read it, and realize you could have an immediate reaction like "they're a stupid poo poo head! I'm gonna immediately reply and refute it all! They're stupid!" but that seems pointless (or just fun) and a part of you also thinks "I thought that was true once," or, "I know what lead to them saying that. I understand how that thought process evolved and what they're looking at, I recognize what's going on, I can conceptualize the path to everything that drove them to post that and what it leads to. I know what they're looking for. I know (x) would have been better for me when I was there, or I think (x) would be the better response for that one."

Practicing the first way (immediate reciprocal emotional reactions) is more honest and helps communication more in relationship development.

The second helps more in relationship maintenance.

As I've "matured" what's changed is my ability for the latter to the detriment of the former as qualities of the person become known based on a lot of information gathering rather than relationship building based on quality treasure hunting or relying on the potential existence of the quality of acceptance necessary for immediate reciprocal emotional ejaculation.

No I have become a stronger person in my mind, heart and soul.

I know what I want now more than I did back then.

I wasn't out spoken, more of the quiet type that would just put up with what people did to me and around me.

Basically I was a walk over.

Yeah I am the opposite now

multiple personality disorder...snicker

don't be a poo-poo head

dat's your inner child baby

I pretty much want the same qualities in a mate now that I did as a 20 year old.

But with age , I have realised that even if a person has all the qualities you want, it doesnt mean that you are the right match for each other in the longterm.

My bottom line question for a potential relationship now is:-

How well can we handle each others differences, flaws , and baggage/demons?

At this age, mutual acceptance of who the other person is , is the goal, instead of mutually morphing into what the other person wants.

As for the question of me being a shadow of my former self, I think I am actually a better version of myself at this age because I depend alot more on myself for my own happiness.

To paraphrase the sage words of Madonna:-

"Poor is the man whose happiness depends on the permission of others."

I'm a more concentrated, turbo charged version of my self. As a matter of fact, if my 20 year old self met my 50 year old self, I doubt I would recognize myself. I feel since my 40's, I have kicked into this super version of myself. I'm pretty grateful! And looking forward to my new future!

very nice.......

Topic: are you a shadow of your former self?

Nah. I leave all of that shadow stuff to Lamont Cranston.

Ys you are right happiness is within us nobody can find we have to realise it and why depends on othwrs.happy by our own way any thing or person can't happy us we are happy when we wish...

experience from life is a great cause we learn lot off but it's OK happiness is within us enjoy god gift

Definately not the person i was between 18- 21. I know myself a lot better now!

I think life and just experience in general changes us as we grow and learn more about ourselves.
I think i still look for the same qualities i used to look for, though i am more aware of the things i dont want, and will spot the red flags more quickly,, i hope.

Very new to all this, never been single before, its like jumping into shark infested waters!

The core of who I am and what I want hasn't changed one bit. The BIG difference is that I now consciously know it, and dare show it, be it.
When I was younger, I couldn't. Too shy, too insecure etc. Sometimes I still struggle with that a bit, but nowhere near as I did back then.

In that sense what I look for in a mate has changed, because I now have a clearer view of what I need, and what matches the real me. At the time it was more settling for what I needed back then, which mostly had to do with a feeling of security.

In a way the only one that gave me what the real me needed (I didn't realize back then, I was only 18) was my Sagittarius boyfriend. You know why TMommy, having been with a Taurus
Nothing was weird, nothing was off. He loved me, adored me, and the things we did, oh my! THAT totally fitted the real me. I am a little crazy.
But... he didn't meet my other mental/emotional needs, so yeah ...
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