Age hones wisdom.
Experience is the teacher.
What wisdoms do you have to share?

Its not the drama that is important, Its what we do with the drama that matters.

Learn to sleep without covers, she is going to take them anyway.

I'm not grey, I have hair cancer

The older you get the less trash you make.

Some people have Good Luck just rain down upon them - I live in a desert.

My "ahshits" have now surpassed my "attaboys".

I am a professional Example.

My life is like a rollercoaster... (that crashed and burned).

Your dog doesn't care how much money you make.

Imagination grows in solitude.

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals.

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

I've Learned How Not to be Eaten by a Duck:

1. Avoid smearing yourself in stale breadcrumbs unless absolutely necessary.

2. If threatened by a duck, climb a tree. Ducks, usually excellent climbers, refuse to share trees with anything else.

3. Carry a large automatic weapon with you whenever walking past a river or pond.

4. Become a microbiologist and develop a duck form of myxamatosis.

5. Become an electronics whizz and build a battery-powered thingy that repels ducks by means of ultrasound.

6. Become a physicist and repel ducks. And everything else.

7. Carry a tin whistle in your shirt pocket or handbag and practise duck-charming techniques to buy time to escape, should you be threatened.

8. Move to Siberia. As far as I know, no ducks live near there.

9. If you can't beat them, join them: Whilst ducks may be vicious, they are civilised creatures and the idea of cannibalism disgusts them. Rather than just getting another pullover from your granny next Christmas, ask her for a duck costume instead.

10. Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, perhaps even travel in it. Never leave your car. Remember to check it for ducks first.

11. Go on a safari holiday to Africa, go to see the lions and jump out of the Land Rover into the middle of a hungry pride. I'd like to see a duck try to reach you then.

12. Contract Anorexia Nervosa and wear tight clothing to make sure the ducks realise they'd be wasting their time eating you.

13. Sneak onto the set of a film about the middle ages and steal some chain mail.

14. Ask God to reconsider whether they were worth putting on the planet in the first place. Be polite.

15. Make friends with lots of plump, tasty-looking people. Hang about with them all the time, after making sure you can run faster than all of them.

16. Do not mistake ducks for geese. Geese will allow themselves to be petted and stroked and even hand-fed whilst ducks will take your arm off at the first available opportunity.

17. Do not accept any offers from shifty-looking blokes in cars who enquire as to whether you would like to come with him to see some baby ducklings.

18. Learn Judo or Karate. Practise sparring only with very short people.

19. Buy a few readily-killed ducks from Tesco and string the beaks around your neck along with a few bones and a feather headdress. Walk around half-naked covered in warpaint with a large knife and a collection of fearsome facial expressions. They ought to get the idea then.

20. Live solely on garlic, onions, leeks, kebabs, truffles, beetroot and Ferrero Rocher. Never brush your teeth, breathe through your mouth and you should be safe provided you never holiday in France.

21. Carry several different types of underarm deodorant with you throughout the day. Keep changing your smell so that ducks cannot follow your scent and track you to your home.

22. Never write any novels denouncing duck deities. If you do, apologize and go into hiding.

23. Constantly chew at least ten sticks of gum simultaneously. Keep dropping lumps so that any inquisitive ducks will have their beaks glued shut.

24. Marinade yourself in white wine, strip naked and drape yourself invitingly on a large plate. The ducks may think it a little too good to be true and will stay away, suspecting a booby-trap.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in a typical women's bathroom is 237. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Trust is earned, not GIVEN away

A closed mouth gathers no feet

A truly wise person knows that he knows not

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

All people smile in the same language

Bad is never good until worse happens

Women are like fires; They go out if left unattended

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

They tell us courtesy is contagious. So why not start an epidemic.

Love looks through a telescope; envy looks through a microscope.

Ideas are like children: no matter how much you like other people's, you can't help thinking your own are the best.

For every minute you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

If you don't enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?

I hope you enjoyed that.
Selections from Oxymoron Humor Archive
http://z10.invisionfree.com/SF_Explorers/index.php?showforum=98

Sweeeeeeet, specially 'Ideas are like children..'