How to Know When Something's Not Right

by Denise Dowling

You've never seen her with a black eye or a broken bone, but you have this feeling that things are bad at home. Trust your instincts, says Sheryl Cates, executive director of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. "The signs of abuse can be subtle," Cates says. Here, five tip-offs Cates says you can't ignore.

The tip-off: She says, "No girls' night for me. He gets upset when I go out, and I don't want to start another argument."

Why it's trouble: "Jealousy is often the first sign of controlling behavior. He's sending the message that she belongs to him."

The tip-off: At their house for dinner, you say, "This is delicious." He tells her, "Yeah, it's the first good meal you've made in months."

Why it's trouble: "Verbal abuse is any kind of criticism with the intent to harm - from backhanded compliments to outright cruel comments followed by disclaimers like, 'Can't you take a joke?' "

The tip-off: He threatens her, "If you do that, I'll...."

Why it's trouble: "Threatening to harm her, their kids, pets - or himself - is another control tactic an abuser uses to make a victim feel responsible for his behavior."

The tip-off: She's nervous around him, studying his face when they're at a party; if he gives her "the look," she rushes to his side.

Why it's trouble: "Little cues and directives are more examples of controlling behavior. Everything gets done his way: 'Go to the store at this time, pick up these items, be back in two hours, and bring me the receipt and change.' "

The tip-off: You rarely see her at social events like family gatherings and neighborhood get-togethers.

Why it's trouble: "He's isolating her from family and friends. She's not locked in the attic - she goes to work, buys groceries, takes the kids to school - but she isn't permitted to enjoy the company of her friends and family."

5 Reasons to Tell Yourself to Butt Out (and Why They're Lame Excuses)

1. "It's none of my business."

"Domestic violence is everyone's business," says Sheryl Cates, of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Safety is safety - and if her house were on fire, you'd call 911, right? "We all need to get involved."

2. "What if I'm wrong and she gets upset?"

The better question is, What if you're not wrong? Cates once ran into a woman in the ladies' room of a bar. The woman had a black eye, and earlier that night Cates had seen her arguing with the man she was with. "I had a feeling something wasn't right, so I gave her my card," Cates says. "She told me I had it all wrong, then fed me an explanation about the black eye. But instead of ditching the card or throwing it in my face, she tucked it in her bra."

3. "I don't know her that well. Surely someone else has said something by now."

This "maybe someone else already spoke up" thinking doesn't work when you smell smoke in a movie theater, and it doesn't work when you think another woman (or a man, for that matter) is being beaten. If you notice it, you owe it to her to say something. "You could be her one lifeline," Cates says.

4. "I said something to her before - and she told me to stay out of it."

If she told you to keep off of her property, but then you saw her toddler playing alone near their backyard pool, would you heed her previous warning? "We don't need permission to get involved in someone's life and speak up," Cates says, "especially if what's going on in front of us could be a crime."

5. "I don't know what to say."

It's okay to be afraid, or nervous. But, Cates says, "as long as your intent is sincere, the words will come."

How to Reach Out

Worried about a woman you know? Find time alone, just the two of you rather than a group of friends - so she doesn't feel ganged-up on. Then, use this conversation guide from Elaine Weiss, author of Family and Friends' Guide to Domestic Violence and tell her why you're concerned.

First say: "I'm worried about you."

Ask her how things are at home. If she tells you everything's fine, say, "Well, I'm glad, because..." and give examples about why you're worried ("Bob's 'joke' about your cooking made me cringe. I know you laugh those comments off, but they're insulting"). Victims of domestic abuse usually feel isolated from friends and family. Remind her that someone is there - you.

Don't say: "Your husband/boyfriend can be a real jerk."

Go easy on the blame and name-calling - don't use words like "abuse" or "victim," which might scare her enough that she shuts down.

If she does shut down: Don't push.

Simply tell her you're there if she ever wants to talk.

If she opens up about the abuse: Say, "This isn't your fault. No matter what you did, you don't deserve this."

Don't say: "Why are you putting up with this?"

"Abuse is murky," says Weiss. "She's probably convinced that if only she knew how to make meatloaf, or were thinner, or bought the right toilet paper, then everything would go back to the way it used to be. Because all victims started a relationship with someone who treated them well."

If she keeps talking: Say, "I know you're dealing with complicated stuff, and you have hard choices to make."

Acknowledge her situation without trying to solve it for her. "She's not an idiot," Weiss says. "She has thought about her options." So keep it simple and say, "You're always welcome at my house. Anything I can do to help you, maybe take care of the kids - just let me know."

Don't say: "If I were you...."

However differently you think you would handle things, you can't truly understand her financial issues, concern for kids or pets, and physical and emotional risk.

Finish the conversation by saying: "It must be so hard for you to keep it together - you're a lot stronger than you think."

Many people mistakenly think all abused women are weak or have low self-esteem - and she might even think this about herself. Remind her of just how strong she is to be living her life in the shadow of abuse.

Don't say: "This is crazy" or "You're in denial," even if she's unwilling to change her situation. Give her time to think. As Weiss puts it, "Sometimes you can't see the picture when you're in the frame."

Remember to follow up, especially if you think her situation is getting more serious.

"At this point, you're in it, so you should feel comfortable speaking up," says Weiss. Say, "I've been thinking about what you told me, and I'm beginning to feel like you might be in danger." Tell her you wouldn't feel like a good friend if you didn't share your concern with others who can help her. At this point, hand her a note with a phone number or website where she can get help. She'll use it when she's ready, and you should feel good knowing you helped.

Great post....

I would probably tell her, would she like me to kick some sense in her? Yea, harsh it may sound but sot every situation is textbook base.

thanks MsTeddyBear
I know people that have ignored the signs and lost a loved one

We have to step up and help our sisters get out of the vicious cycle of domestic violence.

even men can suffer abuse and being believable for trying to overcome such a thing can destroy lives, families and hearts. Often, men are accused of being in denial about the true nature of a problem faced. A lot of suffering all around! One has to be very careful even with people they think they know. One warning sign that seems to eclipse all others is moderate indulgences increasing in frequency. Another is a lack of, or diminishing communication between two people. Financial inconsistency also contributes to problems. In the end, we all could stand to be more direct and honest with our feelings, neesand commitments. Yet, the lack of personal completeness and failing to value one's own life and share from that perspective while guarding one's heart from living THROUGH someone else's life must be adamantly adhered to, to insulate from the abuse that comes from unrealsistic expectations on any side. Too much ducking and running goin' on too!!!

I'm so glad you shed some awareness on this global issue

Oooops, I meant NOT textbook base.

wouldee - I love your input

wouldee's right too, many men are abused to (but the majority women) but tell me what you think about this wouldee, I know a girl that has a guy that fkn rants constantly and got wacked a few times to shut him up (no excuse) but he never reported it but hangs it over her head to stay with him, by threatening to report it.

Great post OP, it's an issue that does not get enough attention!

Thanks for the post. Some of us know these signs all too well... unfortunately Far too many people are in the dark!

Great post. What's sad, is how common this scenario has become.

Now, If only we could get some of you American women to go to Europe with me and kick ass!!.....

Great post, HS!

Although at the time I didn't see it, reading that made me realize that my last relationship was abusive. I did all of those things. I was isolated, critisized and pushed around. I was always watching to see if he was upset and tried not to make him mad. I'm just glad it's over. Thanks for the great post.

the funny thing is that most women hide it........hide the bruises........wow I have pics of me way back in my 20s......xmas party at my parents......little did they know I had black and blue bruises all over my back and all the way up and down my arms.......I look at those pics now and I see the smile but also see the stress on my face.......do I look happy??? hell no, Im too busy pretending things are ok....hiding my bruises.....

I also went through a time in my life, with an abusive husband. Once I learned how to fight back, he left me alone. Many years later, I was the one to assist him during his sickness. I had come a long way from the hate I once felt for him. I am glad that we (women) have the capacity to forgive. I believe that's important, as it is a part of the healing process.

He since passed and I am at peace with the way it ended.

Now for the past twenty years, I've dealt with the problem from a different perspective. I can put myself in their shoes and totally understand.

Women are not the only abused, men are as well. The problem crosses the socio-economical borders. The problem is also unfortunately is a cycle from generation to generation.