How do you "move on" after a very long term (over 20 year) relationship ends in him cheating... And is there any point if hoping for reconciliation? DOES ANYONE EVER CHANGE?

never take a cheater back is my advice

Once a cheater always a repeater.
I bet every man would be faithful if God took an inch off his penis every time he cheated.

if you read the bible you'll come across this:
can the ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may you also do good, that are accustomed to doing evil

does that mean no one is capable of change? then why did a faithful person change to a cheater after twenty plus years? so did a cheater hold off cheating or did a faithful person cheat? you could argue this either way until the cows come home

for now, do what's right for you babygirl. live your life the way you want to. enjoy the things that make you happy. i guarantee i guarantee that your happiness does not depend on other people. godspeed, bulldog

(bulldog double guarantee - patent pending)

Change your routines.
Get your mind working and building new associations and memories.


Maybe.
Are you using the hope for reconciliation to justify wallowing in your own self pity? Then it's yes, moving on will help end that.

Are you basing the hope of reconciliation on behavior on his part? Like he lives with you or is always calling and coming around and trying to get you back?
Then it's no, because you can't move on until the relationship actually ends.

With each individual you only get 1 relationship, and your interaction over time defines it.
The relationship mutates and adapts to your needs and wants, or doesn't and is either put on hold (sometimes forever) or ends.
Friends don't end the friend relationship and then begin a brand new romantic relationship without any of the past affecting it.
They just have one relationship, the parameters changed.

Your relationship with this guy will never ever ever be like the old one if you choose to reconcile.
You will not ever ever ever get a brand new one with this guy no matter if he does change. It's the old one mutating into the new, with allllllllll the old crap having an effect on the new.


Sure.
Are you the same person you were when you were 4?
People change. They can't help it. It's natural.

Are you asking "is once a cheater always a cheater true?"
Then I'd say people can change specific behavior if they are strong enough or motivated enough.
I don't believe they can change the underlying or subconscious motivators that led to the behavior though.
"at the end truth will out."

There's a reason he cheated.
He may not even know what it is and more than likely it's really a ton of different reasons colluding with one reason being scapegoated.

If he cheated because subconsciously he wanted the relationship to end and this became the only way to sabotage it, then he's not going to change.

If he cheated because on some level he was so terrified of losing you he did it to push you away in order to prove once and for all that you'd leave him and you did, thereby validating his deep down fear, then he may "change" if he overcomes his fears regarding you/relationships.

My theory has always been cheating is a basic character flaw that will not change. The reality is you may have only caught him after 20 years or he wanted to get caught or he has been cheating the relationship one way or another until it actually happen to be another person.

There are too many good and faithful men (or women if the conversation were gender neutral) out there to waste your time grieving the one who wasn't weather it was from the beginning or the end. It is what it is a broken trust and a broken marriage.

But you are not broken and you will find like if you seek it. Might have just spoken to you and you don't know it. Wise words to say where happiness is to be found and how it will find you.

Welcome to Mingle . You will find it easy to enjoy fellowship and discover your best self here. Look for you in forums .

Cheaters, regardless of gender,

Should be cursed with at least
30 days of incontinence.

Would make them so much easier to detect.

Move on and don't look back.

So does the same for a females breasts !

Hey sweetie! I would recommend just not talking about it if you can...I realized that the more I talk about an ex, or anyone really, the more they float through my mind...so cut off all communication with him and about him. :) xoxo

So true. So true. But this guy was no accident he chose to be a criminal. Thanks for posting some of greater Sacramento's finest taking down this idiot. Score one for the good guys.

I could only cheat ONCE and then I'd have a vagina!

Oh that's sad lol

For over 20yrs?Wow,I'd like to say just move on,but for over twenty years I don't think it's that easy as it sounds to just "move on",but everyone different,until it happen to me,I don't know!!

.. I could afford.. to lose a couple of inches...lol.... but I'd rather hold on to what I have...lol..ohhh.. that reminds me... I'll be right back!!

Wow, thanks for all the replies... A lot to think about but very helpful

Have a great day everyone!,,,