Women should be obscene and not heard.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



-- Groucho Marx --