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| Topic: Looking for something more... | |
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Those of us who've loved, left and/or lost tend to look for something different than we had the first time that afforded us the opportunity of learning from our mistakes. Originally we "may" have chosen a partner for some level of security and co-dependence. Then when the coupling of feelings and assets no longer allowed us to feel appreciated and/or wanted we mutually moved on. The next time around if we don't need emotional or fiscal security we "may" decide to wait until someone comfortably fits within the world we've created for ourselves before making a commitment to become exclusive. What if anything would you desire from your second partner and/or relationship that may have been lacking or needed tweaking in the first union? Athena I do not want to play the blame game with my ex. My short comings where just as bad as hers there was not a " villain" in my case just 2 people that grew apart. I like your phrase " comfortably fits" That's where I am at right now.  I agree... it takes two to make it work, two to call it quits, and everything involved is simply the learning experience for each... 
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What do you mean old? You're 52 for crying out loud? And just checked you're profile, you look good, nothing wrong with you! And sure you're not 21, so what? You're not looking for a 21 yr old yourself I take it, and from what I can tell from your piccies, you're an attractive woman. Don't go knocking yourself! And thanks for your reaction, indeed my ex was an @$$hole. He was a narcissist, who are mostly about using and abusing etc. Was no ride in the park. Made me so much stronger, but this money thing left a bad taste in my mouth. I really won't easily give up on my own home and income (benefit) to become completely dependent on a bloke again! I always find it kind of peculiar how most men are perfectly okay about taking care of their first wife/partner, but never again when it comes to a second wife/partner? As if the 2nd one is worth less than the first. I mean, what's the difference? As a second spouse you're supposed to do everything yourself. What happened to sharing and caring, which they did do with the first one? If I'm worth less to a man than the first wife, EF it! 52 in dog years maybe...  that means you x by 7... which makes me 364... and I felt/feel every minute of the journey...  You're absolutely too kind in your compliments I wasn't fishing for... but appreciate.. I'm not knocking myself, just facing my reality, what with my age, physical and financial limitations I'm not the complete package most guys are looking for to score anymore.  I hate to hear about good women being abused by stupid men that don't know what they have until it's gone... but it tickles me to know when women learn how to become stronger from experiences so the same mistakes are NOT repeated.  And you definitely hit a sore spot with me too, about how every woman after the first is treated like a second class citizen if the first was treated so well. Because men actually do carry over their emotional baggage too and punish all women they perceive to be in any negative way like experiences they learned the hard way from already. IMO. Like yourself, I too will never willingly give up my tiny slice of independent pie to become entwined with another man that wouldn't value my sacrifice equally with his attention and support.  Totally agree! Also don't agree with I believe Vanaheim, who says women 'punish' men for what a previous partner has done to them. Sure it will happen but I think the other way around is more common. To me a new partner is never less than the first one, just different, a new chance at happiness together. And sure, everyone gets scarred during life, nothing much you can do about that. But you have to at least be willing to be open and give a new person a chance. Based on what I hear and read from men, is that many, if not most, haven't got this attitude, are still bitter about an ex and project this on other women. And it takes two to tango, so if a woman is awkward about things, it's because a man hurt her real bad. It all comes down to the ability to accept, let go and open your heart again for someone new, in spite of scars.d And I feel women in general are a he|| of a lot better at that than men. I think most women are able to be more flexible and tolerant than some men too. And opening our hearts to someone new can be a scary thing if we concentrate only on what we might again lose. Athena, I too have physical problems due to hyper-laxity, little money cos of a benefit and slim chances of getting a job because I live in backwater country and the crisis is still taking it's toll over here. Still lots of ppl losing jobs and companies going bust. I do, however, not feel I'm not a 'complete' package. I've never been a better 'package' to be honest, haha. Just cos I finally know who I am, what I stand for etc. I'm empowered. And I will not sell myself short. If a man doesn't value me for what I am, he's not even worth my time and defo not the right one for me! I want a guy who sees, feels and senses beyond 'flaws', as a guy our age will have flaws himself too. He might have a job, doesn't mean he's God's gift to women (anymore). I love feeling the empowerment you radiate...  And likewise... although I've never been the "complete package" to most... I've reached the stage in my life where I'm completely comfortable with me, flaws and all, and any man that doesn't recognize what I still have to offer isn't worth my time either. |
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Oh, you don't even have to put stipulations on it with some of them. Women with trust issues are paranoid. That's all that I've really had since I finally got to an age where I felt ready for a proper relationship. Complicated women with baggage and issues. Stuff that I didn't cause and isn't my fault but I have to deal with it. Going back to the stipulation thing though, I try not to be demanding with women but I do believe in honesty and telling them how I'm feeling. If there's some sort of problem I'll at least want to talk about it. If we can't do that, then we haven't really got a relationship. Then I get all of this jazz about how I'm trying to change, dominate, or control them when all that it is is just trying to communicate and get closer to them. Do you really think women are genuinely paranoid, or just sensitive to the pain of rejection they've already felt and put up walls so as not to feel it to the same extent again? Men are just as complicated as they subconsciously hang on to the baggage that helped to shape their view of women too. While men have the natural aura they're gifted as a birthright to be the dominating factor in couplings, and we women can easily misconstrue their intent if they are NOT as honest, open and forthright as you say you are. I know that men often times don't like to do a lot of talking and simple explaining after giving initial instructions, instead they expect we women to have mind reading capabilities. And if we don't follow their original wishes to the letter they're attitudes and tones in their follow up speech makes their possible agitation extremely clear... and to which we might become easily defensive. Something tells me that you are a sincere man with the women you care for and do try to communicate openly with them, just as you and your mom talk about problems as you try to figure out how to best deal with them together. You know they do say that you can tell a lot about a man by his relationship with his mother... It's just that maybe in the way you've learned how to be direct while being helpful you come across as the strong and aggressive man your mom loves and needs to rely on to sort through family issues, but that the women in your life might feel a bit less directed if you infused a little more neutral sensitivity while explaining their weakness or things you both could work on to aid your relationship to run more smoothly? I'm just pondering... not critiquing... That's alright. I can take criticism. Yes, I think that women being paranoid or having trust issues does usually result from bad or abusive experiences with men. Also, there's the stereotyping that goes on when women talk about men. The "they're all the same" stuff. When I was quite young I bottled up a lot of my problems and wouldn't talk about them. I was always a talkative outgoing person but stuff happened when I was very young that I just didn't really know how to handle. Then other stuff happened and I got over those original problems and I just started to open up and talk about my problems and feelings. You have a point about me being a bit agressive. In a relationship I'm actually pretty easy going because a woman really doesn't have to do all that much to keep me happy. I was happier even being in difficult relationships than I am when I haven't got somebody. I do stand up to women though when a lot of other men would just let things slide or walk away. My ex says that I was stubborn but she admits that she is as well and I summed it up by saying that we didn't have enough patience with each other. My last relationship was with a girl that had really bad trust issues though and I don't really think that any guy could win with her. I was making a lot of allowances and trying to be considerate with her because I knew about her problems but that just ended with her doing another weird thing after we had just spent a really nice day together and I got really worried about her and called her about a week later to tell her that and to find out if she was alright. She just hung up on me and hasn't talked to me since. I don't think that I did anything wrong there and I wasn't trying to give her a hard time but it was quite stressful and that whole experience with her did knock me for six, as my mum puts it. I do think that if I can cope with women like that I can cope with just about anything from them and I am a caring person with a lot of love to give but I do like to talk about feelings and I want people to be as honest with me as I am with them. I know that it's boring because I keep talking about her but one of the things that has been really great about making friends with my ex again is that we were able to talk about the issues that we had without either of us getting angry because neither of us was being defensive or touchy about it and it didn't turn into another argument. I am quite prepared to admit that I'm not perfect and can be in the wrong as well but what really annoys me is people that deflect by just blaming other people, or when there's some sort of scene or argument and then the next time you see them they just act like nothing happened and there's no need for any apologies or discussion about it. |
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