Do butterflies have people in their tummies??

One Direction; If music be the food of Love are they the indegestion??

A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. After work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in,
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him here for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

My girlfriend said she's dumping me because of my obsession with plants.
So I asked her "where does this stem from petal?"

When I was 7 I walked in on my mum and dad having sex.
I said "What are you doing?"
dad said "We are making you a new brother or sister"
I said 'Well would you do doggy style then, because I would rather have a puppy"

My Mrs asked me to make her moan in bed last night ......................................... so I ran into the bathroom and p***ed on the toilet seat.

The Mrs asked if she pleased me in bed. I said "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth"... "What trick?" she asked. "The one where you shut the f*** up and go to sleep!"

Scientist have developed a cure for lesbians, it's called
"tricoxagin".

Or that new replacement pill for viagra. It's called "Anticoxaphlopin".

How do you know when you're too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener

I've been blessed with a nine inch penis.
Unfortunately it was my parish priest's.

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face. . . ..Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge!

Similarity between a snob and a tampon? They're both stuck up c@nts

I'm going to put an end to female patronisation.....So don't any of you ladies worry your pretty little heads

Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vagina.

My family abandoned me,
my ex girlfriend took everything I own,
and my children hate me all because of my constant optimism................................Still, it could be worse.

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?? Hot cross bunnies

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

How many pleasures does a monk have?? Nun.

I was beside his body

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't

There are 10 types of people in the world,
Those who understand binary and those who don't

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from **** intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Everton fans come from?"

Cliff Richard was in a Chinese restaurant one evening with friends



Waiter .. "Criff I love your sungs sing for me Ti#s And Fanny, prease"



Cliff.. "I am very sorry but I am out with friends can you leave us alone thank you".



Waiter.." prease Criff, prease"

.

Cliff.." Look here, I have never sung a song about ti#s and fanny so please go away".



Waiter..".I sing for you, ti#s and fanny why we don't talk any

My therapist said I have this terrible preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

How do you keep a stupid person in suspense ? I'll tell you later.
What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever

I was telling my friend about my trip to Poland in code so my kids didn't understand
I said while I was in Poland I meet a few hot poles and I enjoyed smoking them because they have cigars instead of cigs my son said "why did you go there then" I replied be cause we're Polish! "Sounds to me you act like a German "

, I don't even smoke!

Time is never wasted... If you're wasted all the time