It doesn't get better, it never gets any better. I've wished I was dead pretty consistently since I was younger, that's years now of hoping I'll die in my sleep, get hit by a car, maybe some sort of random violence. That's how much of a coward I am, unwilling to pull the trigger on myself I keep hoping that someone will do it for me. Saddling them with that responsibility.

I have some family. I used to have some friends but as times gone on they've found me pretty much unbearable to be around the moment I stop wearing my smiling mask all the time. I'm sure I'm pushing away whomever still remains in my life as well but I don't know how to stop. In the end it'll probably be for the best. Once I'm out of their life it will be one less thing to keep me from finishing it.

The last time I tried to talk to someone seriously about feeling this way I was told "I don't want to hear this" and that I'm "only as happy as I want to be." That was my mother telling me that feeling this way is my own fault. I try not to talk about it to people anymore.

I've found ways to cope with the more self destructive urges though, when they get so strong I have to do something. I used to smoke a lot but I've cut down a lot, to make my family happy. These days when the whirling in my head gets too loud I like to trace the veins in my wrists with a pen.

I used to want to be a writer, these days I can barely force a coherent sentence out. This is the probably the longest written piece I've been able to sit and put out in around two years. I've tried I really have, attending classes, writer's workshops and similar. It only lasts a few weeks before I just can't see the point, I don't have any stories worth the telling in me anymore.

I keep hoping that writing this will feel cathartic, that I'll somehow feel purged. I don't though. It never gets better, sometimes it's quieter. I think that's the best I can hope for. Right now I can keep fighting that urge to be done with it, but at the end of the day I know it's a fight I can't win. It's a fight that never stops and one day I'll slip. I'll have a bad day, a weak moment, a few minutes where that desire is stronger than the desire not to hurt those people who care for me and I'll lose.

I can't stop it, I can just keep fighting, and keep hoping that something else will do it for me before I do it for myself.

It never gets better.

Wishing for all the people that are hurting to get better.

My wish already came true!!

My wish already came true!!

Where the heck have you been missy?!?!

Send postcards! ....(((( Missy ))))