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| Topic: separated.. how do I start again? | |
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Regardless of wanker status, the kids have to come first. Without some kind of outside help, the OP runs the risk of using his own kids to check on their mother and badmouth her. Even if she is the most horrible woman on the planet, they love her. The best thing he could do for them is find clarity somehow ASAP. Oh, so right you are. |
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My ex called it quits after a 15 year relationship. How do I start seeing other women without any practice? I'm a shy guy, and confrontation isn't one of my strengths. All input greatly appreciated. Try getting out and making friends first. Get involved in activities that will allow you to meet others with the same interests. |
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When I read your first post on this thread I was prompted to read the thread thinking ok give this guy some support and help him through what is a difficult experience at best. THEN I read down how you have conducted yourself and you should be sooooooooh glad I am not your kids court appointed advocate because I would crucify you, and your wife, on the courthouse steps. Well maybe her, maybe not, because we only have your side of the story and your varasity has holes in it big enough for and adult Kangaroo to vault through. You have conducted yourself in an outlandish, abusive, and clearly inappropriate manner as a parent and a person facing divorce arbitration and custody arrangements. You are not real bright documenting it in a world wide forum and I don't know a lawyer in the world that would want to take on your case with out a HUGE up front cash retainer because you are going to get slammed when her lawyer gets this in his hands and I pretty much guarantee he will. You might have had her bluffed into buying you out of the house on the phone but bullying someone by text at work and at home; especially at night might just get her awarded the home, and a fat security up grade; while she retires with a PTSD claim and having a home tutor to protect the kids from further inclusion in the Divorce Wars which you actually sound like you are enjoying since you are making such a big effort to publicly document it. I don't know how your kids are going to take you using them a poster children for your pity pot profile/post but I would not be surprised in the least if the court puts a gag order on you ASAP and your visitation is order to be done under supervision disallowing any photography. Hope it was worth it. I really feel sorry for your kids. If You think your kids are not going to have schoolmates/neighbors throwing this up in their face you are deluded. You have effectively painted a target on the backs of two young girls/ your own children? Clearly you hate your ex more than you love your kids. And if you were not planning on paying for psychological counseling you best be now. I don't care if she was the wicked witch of the west you have made yourself the bully in this family by retaliating internationally publicly. And as far as you dating after this light you have shown on your "performance" I would not look for anyone getting with in a country mile of you for a good long time. You have proved that you can not check your temper. That makes you a real bad bet as a date. I would not be surprised if you didn't just get added to several hundred ladies blocked list. Even a divorce support group is not going to want someone who demonstrates the kind of behavior anywhere near their kids or their single female members. *Holds up hands in surrender* WHOOOOOAAAAHHHH!! Ease up people, please. I'm sorry, but some of you seem to have misread the thread. She said she didn't want me in her life. Ok. I accepted it. BUT, while we were still TOGETHER, she "hooked up" with this other guy, and did what she did. THIS is the thing that hurt me more than her saying it was over. There is no way I have been abusive, angry, out of control or outlandish in this thread, or in reality. Granted that somehow it turned into a novel of the first week or so of the separation, but how did I turn out to be the bad guy in this? I admit, I had made some REALLY bad choices in the past years of the relationship, but nothing in this thread shows that I did anything wrong, apart from send a message. She said it was ok to text her that night, and she was the one who threatened ME when she came home. I have NEVER attempted to, or otherwise, threaten, abuse, physically hurt or damage her in ANY way shape or form. So.. I take it this thread is over? |
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Well, the latest update in the Adarkin Saga. I texted her that I wanted to talk, but I didn't want to ruin her night at work, or I wait till she came home. She said text away. I sent her a text, around 10pm, which was a mother of all texts. Practically 10 years of pent up negative energy. I had to get it off my chest. World War 895673 started, and it didn't finish until 12am. 2 hours of us attacking each other with pieces dredged up from the past. Once my rant was over, I felt peculiar, as if the whole world had been taken off my shoulders, release. I was calm the entire time. It finally finished when she (imagine cartoon steam)was livid, saying she doesn't want me anywhere in her life, not getting back together, blah blah blah, and said she would, somehow find a way, buy my half of the house. I was still calm at this stage, which made her even angrier, saying she was so angry she could hit me. The words POLICE and CUSTODY slipped out of my mouth. She stepped away, luckily for me. She wouldn't leave without taking the kids, and I wouldn't let her take them. I said I would see them tomorrow, and drove to my temporary accommodation. 
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When I read your first post on this thread I was prompted to read the thread thinking ok give this guy some support and help him through what is a difficult experience at best. THEN I read down how you have conducted yourself and you should be sooooooooh glad I am not your kids court appointed advocate because I would crucify you, and your wife, on the courthouse steps. Well maybe her, maybe not, because we only have your side of the story and your varasity has holes in it big enough for and adult Kangaroo to vault through. You have conducted yourself in an outlandish, abusive, and clearly inappropriate manner as a parent and a person facing divorce arbitration and custody arrangements. You are not real bright documenting it in a world wide forum and I don't know a lawyer in the world that would want to take on your case with out a HUGE up front cash retainer because you are going to get slammed when her lawyer gets this in his hands and I pretty much guarantee he will. You might have had her bluffed into buying you out of the house on the phone but bullying someone by text at work and at home; especially at night might just get her awarded the home, and a fat security up grade; while she retires with a PTSD claim and having a home tutor to protect the kids from further inclusion in the Divorce Wars which you actually sound like you are enjoying since you are making such a big effort to publicly document it. I don't know how your kids are going to take you using them a poster children for your pity pot profile/post but I would not be surprised in the least if the court puts a gag order on you ASAP and your visitation is order to be done under supervision disallowing any photography. Hope it was worth it. I really feel sorry for your kids. If You think your kids are not going to have schoolmates/neighbors throwing this up in their face you are deluded. You have effectively painted a target on the backs of two young girls/ your own children? Clearly you hate your ex more than you love your kids. And if you were not planning on paying for psychological counseling you best be now. I don't care if she was the wicked witch of the west you have made yourself the bully in this family by retaliating internationally publicly. And as far as you dating after this light you have shown on your "performance" I would not look for anyone getting with in a country mile of you for a good long time. You have proved that you can not check your temper. That makes you a real bad bet as a date. I would not be surprised if you didn't just get added to several hundred ladies blocked list. Even a divorce support group is not going to want someone who demonstrates the kind of behavior anywhere near their kids or their single female members. *Holds up hands in surrender* WHOOOOOAAAAHHHH!! Ease up people, please. I'm sorry, but some of you seem to have misread the thread. She said she didn't want me in her life. Ok. I accepted it. BUT, while we were still TOGETHER, she "hooked up" with this other guy, and did what she did. THIS is the thing that hurt me more than her saying it was over. There is no way I have been abusive, angry, out of control or outlandish in this thread, or in reality. Granted that somehow it turned into a novel of the first week or so of the separation, but how did I turn out to be the bad guy in this? I admit, I had made some REALLY bad choices in the past years of the relationship, but nothing in this thread shows that I did anything wrong, apart from send a message. She said it was ok to text her that night, and she was the one who threatened ME when she came home. I have NEVER attempted to, or otherwise, threaten, abuse, physically hurt or damage her in ANY way shape or form. So.. I take it this thread is over? Well I came back to this thread because yes people do stupid stuff in the first days of seperations and divorce, such as put their "FAMILY" stuff on line which is abusive to soon to be ex spouses and ESPECIALLY THEIR CHILDREN and then when they get a very PUBLIC REALITY CHECK they are smart enough to WISE UP rather than defend reprehensible behavior. Usually the ones that CARE ABOUT THIER KIDS and playing fair usually apologize profusely and delete at least their kids pictures until the dust clears and tries to listen to what the community is telling them about how they are being perceived. SO WHAT you are hurt that you were betrayed by what you say is inappropriate behavior of your spouse who and READ MY LIPS is the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. You are missing the KEY POINT. Has anyone said it was fair? NO! I would be the first to say that cheating on a spouse especially publicly where their nose has to be rubbed in it is CONTEMPTABLE. You have every right to be mad as a hornet and feel terrible. Many of us who have had that stinging humiliation don't need vulgar details to accept that it happens on both sides of the gender divide and it is equally painful. AND YES I am sorry that you had it happen to you. And your struggling. Just keep in mind one wrong does not justify a wrong on your part. Since I feel you have been sufficiently schooled on the facts of life regards the later issue of your mid divorce behavior which I hope you actually read and take to heart even though I doubt it I will offer you the following. Move with purpose in creating your present and future. The FIRST think I would do for myself in your situation is to make a pledge to myself and my children that I was going to abstain from ALL alcohol and or drugs. Under the stress of divorce your body does not need whatever minimal benefits that even a limited amount of alcohol can give. And I guarantee you it is the single largest marker that contributes to personal and child/parent relationship failure in families. If you can not deal with alcohol for a year then you have a problem. As your reputation spreads that you are not drinking at all your credibility will help you. It is also a big determinate of how your supporters will consider your appreciation for their support. This is particularly true of employers and court representatives but also your kids and family. If you have a tough time wanting a drink it is and excellent time to seek support from AA or counseling. You don't have to be a raging drunk or full blown alcoholic to benefit from becoming alcohol smart attending AA meetings. Many people actually head off the more serious problems learning why they want to use alcohol to cope. Which is a really bad way to cope. A lot will be said about grieving loss of your marriage, and I agree it is a necessary part of the process, but you have to keep in mind that grieving is a luxury in many instances and if you do a lot of crying and self pity you will get very little co-operation from "the world" in general and generally more abuse. If you are feeling beyond sad that is not grieving but there are good books on the subject and reading a couple can be worth the trip to the library or thrift store that usually has all kinds of useful self help books. Then of course there are you online sources. Just be reasonable with yourself. Spend a hour a day reading and dealing then get back to your real life. Find a trusted core place to unload your feelings and the more private the better. I recommend a professional because that is one place that is least likely to bite you in the behind and they are bound by law to confidentiality where family, friends, coworkers, and creditors often use divorce vunerability to their advantage. A password protected private journal is not a bad idea but be smart even if it is in your computer it is still accessible if someone guesses your code or you do something stupid and your computer is confiscated. I REALLY caution against chumming up and unloading to a "new" friend because toooooooo often it turns out to be a covert friend of your EX or some other such "enemy". I would not rule out personal prayer or meditation. I am not suggesting being a bible waving, verse quoting, commandment spewing jerk is going to help you but personal faith building could give you comfort, courage, and patience to get through the big changes in your present and future life. Might if you actually apply it make you a better man, father, and future relationship partner. T.D. Jakes and past President Jimmy Carter have some profound things to say that might help to suggest only a couple. I would not suggest your family pastor simply because that is hopefully your children will have access to. Generally larger churches have divorce support groups as it is not a new topic. I will say be smart and avoid the temptation to just run out and find what appears to be the first "Godly" woman because on the rebound you will get yourself in a mess even with a good wife. Evidently you have found some semblance of your own "home". The sooner you make it feel like home rather than a divorce POW camp the happier you will be. You don't have to throw around a lot of money but make at least a reasonable effort to make it bearable. Get a real table and chairs and some basics in the kitchen even if you have to get some of it second hand. I would resist the temptation to make it too much of a man cave because you will have every other dispossessed guy you run into making it their crash pad. If you want to enjoy a sports package on tv and a great steak do it alone or you will find yourself having to cut off friends and family when you need them most. Get a decent bed but keep in mind if you actually do score a future lady in your life she is not going to be real keen on the idea of your bachelor bed so don't over do it. Get your own washer and dryer. If you don't want to be seen as a real looser to parents and friends you have to be able to stand on your own two feet. You have kids this means you spring for a second bedroom or you get to sleep on the sofa for their visits. A long dresser without mirror can be a great buffet or TV console and if you really want to make it so you are not invading if you let them have Dad's room for a real bed time which is critical for everyone's mental health in vistations maybe you have to stash your persona stuff in a locked drawer. If you are not willing to at least provide your kids a bed a dresser and some bathroom space they are NEVER going to want to keep much of a visitation schedule even if it means sleeping over at their friends which is a fast track to sneaking out and sleeping with a boy or worse. If at all possible get a place in your kids school district. (The school counselor can help you know where the lines are drawn.) It impresses the court that you are committed to your kids but more importantly it tells your kids they are not being divorced from their world including Dad's. Resist the temptation to be Disneyland Dad here and give the kids a budget and make it a family project. They have some say in. A little paint and some stickers and posters can make a loft bed with a study desk underneath a bearable home away from home. Since I DO NOT think Ex's need to have you interceding in their "good night" calls or hey I am outside a restricted (no toll calls) land line in their room or better yet the bathroom means you are not depriving your child their friends and or putting them in the middle of them communicating with their parent. BE the Better parent and shut the door when their phone rings because eves dropping is not cool. You do have the right to limit phone use to reasonable hours by shutting the phone off when it is their bed time. If an Ex is being a bit of a pain the kids should be allowed to set their own limits even if it is to not answer their own phone. A great way to furnish a new bachelor pad is with high end patio furniture. When you are ready to move up or on into a relationship then you have less to ditch. It is also cheaper and easier to move. Last but not least if you are going to be making several transitions in the next months and years get a large Post Office box and use that as your address for friends, family, and work. Just because you keep inlaws/outlaws on your social register they don't need to know your personal address. This also means nobody is monitoring your personal mail while you are at work. Definitely and advantage when you are dating on or off line. In divorce you usually find that the friends and family get divided. Face up to it, accept it, and move on. Yea it sucks but marriage is about community and when the marriage splits so does the community. Prepare yourself for a few shocks in this department. Be smart keep your temper. Not saying it is easy; especially when it comes out that it is someone you did not expect to betray you but it is going to happen so get ready. Word to the wise family usually follow the kids; so if you make peace with Grandparents and siblings at least enough to let them know you are providing a safe place for them to have their life with you. Regardless of how they act be respectful and encourage your kids to. Say thank you for what is done for your children even if you know it is a cheap shot. Gratitude is an attitude that will be hard to accept but you continue to appreciate what is done for your children you are teaching them to be also. But don't kid yourself people will try to manipulate you both with their friendship or hatred and if you buy into it you may hurt your Ex but you will hurt your kids more and YOURSELF. When the family closes ranks and gets enough of the drama it is social suicide for your nuclear family. De3velopeing new Friends is not impossible. I would suggest starting out with a wide age range. Join some activities and clubs and experiment where you feel comfortable. You are young but if you want some legitimacy you probably want to try to have some older friends and you are probably better off the first year in keeping your relationships to plutonic friends. If you have survived the drought of a dysfunctional private life which my educated guess is probably several years long it will not kill you to have a "TIME OUT" not as a punishment but as a time to not be set up for more failure and prepare for success. Especially locally. You DO NOT need your private life being caught in this emotional Tunsami. If it means dating someone a few hours away on rare occasions it will be worth the peace and privacy. Hope some of this is helpful to you and any others who have to deal with this very unhappy life experience. |
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Thank you all for the input to adarkin. I have read all the post and am also taking onboard what has been said. My Seperation was after 14 years and my issue is I am finding it very hard to accept it.
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Thank you all for the input to adarkin. I have read all the post and am also taking onboard what has been said. My Seperation was after 14 years and my issue is I am finding it very hard to accept it. Hey, not seen you for a while! 
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Hey, not seen you for a while!
Hi Crystal. I been feeling pretty low recently so I been checking in but not felt like saying anything. I see your stirring up trouble as usual.
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I do know one thing, getting a divorce is really hard on everyone. I know when I got mine, I did not date for about 2 years after because I always say...get rid of the old baggage before you bring in new baggage into your life.
I do believe that you have to make sure that you are 100% over her before you bring someone else into your life. I am sure that you do not want to start dating someone and in return find out that you are still in love with your soon to be ex wife. That would be hurting another person that did not deserve to be hurt. I think that maybe you should take some time and be alone, why rush into another relationship? Have fun on your new found freedom. I think you should give yourself some time to get over losing the relationship, everyone needs time to heal. Each person is different on how long it takes to feel comfortable with dating a different person, the main thing is to know in your heart that things are completely over and that relationship is the past. Good Luck and I hope you have a smooth transition. Welcome to Mingle and join the forums and have some fun.
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To some being alone is like a death sentence. I agree that you should move on before you start something new. However what if the pain is too much to cope with alone.
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Get a puppy, seriously, it works
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Hi everyone.
What a fantastic Christmas and birthday *2 days after xmas* this turned out to be. I am currently living, which is a start, and accepted the fact that it is over. 100%. There are no more chances, no second guesses, no one more time. I am over her. She has done and said some rather nasty things, and I am not going to follow suit. Now, I have joined a sports club, playing darts, which is now a new addiction. Probably a lot better than my last one eh? I'm staying with a friend, who said I could stay as long as I needed to. The only major thing missing is constant income. Being a tradesman this time of year, looking for a job, is like looking for a needle in a haystack. There's one there, it just takes time to find it. Anyway, I'll come back again with any more news, be it good or bad, and keep you posted. Thanks for everything so far! :-) |
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Thanks for the advice everyone. The hardest thing so far, is letting go of what we had. We still talk and text as 'friends', but every now and then, I say the wrong thing, and World War 9 begins. The kids are fine and nothing will change for them, with the exception of dad not sleeping in the house. We originally agreed that one of us would move to the spare room, but it would be harder on both of us, to act independently, and also put on the facade of a family with no problems. Went to the kids school xmas concert and when I left for darts, I texted her that xmas is celebrated as a family, not a separated couple with kids. I felt sick. well I guess I'd reflect here to be careful not to mire her in attempts to make her feel guilty, don't be manipulative. if you continue with those sorts of comments she is likely to distance herself even more and make any type of future negotiation more difficult. It's great that you are communicating. Do what you can to keep that positive. accept reality and instead of constantly texting her, spend time with friends and family, male & female. It is hard not to obsess when something bad happens...understood I would suggest tho to make your conversations with her practical and down to earth, like, at Christmas can we please make sure that both of us get to spend time with the kids. and no one is going to want to date you if you still live in the same house with her. you guys have a long road ahead deciding on who keeps the house and other property and custody issues. not a good time for dating in my opinion. |
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Thanks for the advice everyone. The hardest thing so far, is letting go of what we had. We still talk and text as 'friends', but every now and then, I say the wrong thing, and World War 9 begins. The kids are fine and nothing will change for them, with the exception of dad not sleeping in the house. We originally agreed that one of us would move to the spare room, but it would be harder on both of us, to act independently, and also put on the facade of a family with no problems. Went to the kids school xmas concert and when I left for darts, I texted her that xmas is celebrated as a family, not a separated couple with kids. I felt sick. well I guess I'd reflect here to be careful not to mire her in attempts to make her feel guilty, don't be manipulative. if you continue with those sorts of comments she is likely to distance herself even more and make any type of future negotiation more difficult. It's great that you are communicating. Do what you can to keep that positive. accept reality and instead of constantly texting her, spend time with friends and family, male & female. It is hard not to obsess when something bad happens...understood I would suggest tho to make your conversations with her practical and down to earth, like, at Christmas can we please make sure that both of us get to spend time with the kids. and no one is going to want to date you if you still live in the same house with her. you guys have a long road ahead deciding on who keeps the house and other property and custody issues. not a good time for dating in my opinion. I had not seen the last few posts, so sme of my comments are a little dated, but still, I think, worthwhile I'd add, lose the drama (for the kids' sake as well as your own), and avoid detailing any more of your personal issues on here until they are settled and ancient history, for practical & legal reasons |
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Do everything to increase ur confidence
Health Gym excercise Positive thinking Counselling But new clothes Re decorate Clear out ur home ur life Go to the park Breath And re build yourself We all go through relationship break upS and we need make a solid Core for ourselves independent of relationships. Look in the mirror n say You are a great guy everyday Have faith in U ! |
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Nobody has a right to judge anyone going through a marriage break up and nobody is perfect on this planet ! We all go through a temporary " madness " when we break up most feelings are intense.
However I WILL Give u this advice Respecting your Ex will go a long way as you have kids and that is worth Everything Do not do Anything that hurts you your kids or your ex or other people Is NOT worth it. Get counselling if need be wishing u all the beSt. U will get through it. |
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Thank you all for the input to adarkin. I have read all the post and am also taking onboard what has been said. My Seperation was after 14 years and my issue is I am finding it very hard to accept it. Hey Greek; good to see you on line. Been trying to send you good vibes. You will get through. Hang in during the holidays and 2014 should be a lot better. |
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Hey, not seen you for a while!
Hi Crystal. I been feeling pretty low recently so I been checking in but not felt like saying anything. I see your stirring up trouble as usual.
Me stirring up trouble? Nah I'm an angel 
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