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| Topic: Friendship/Dating | |
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Of course not! What's the point really?...especially if you had sex....having an ex around is not a good look when you are trying to date someone else. Do you really think they will trust that or understand...And you can't really just be friends again...one of you will be jealous once the other start dating again...I personally wouldn't do it and couldn't date anyone that is friends with an ex...keeping an ex around could be potentially blocking you from a good woman.
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They are an "ex" for a reason. So give em da boot! C-ya!
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i want u
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Thu 07/04/13 02:57 PM
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Nkocie, I for one have never seen the "benefit" in FWB. I've never seen that scenario actually benefit anyone for longer than it take sheets to cool.  this may be the most intelligent thing I have ever read on here FWB is a spoiled male's con job we cougar types is waaaay smaaart 
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Edited by
BettyB
on
Thu 07/04/13 03:18 PM
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You see your daughters with their ex-boyfriends as they are friends and not knowing wht they are doing behind scene. They are both with wonderful men and are very much in love with them, I don't need to know what goes on behind the scenes because I know who their hearts belong too. |
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Edited by
ViaMusica
on
Thu 07/04/13 06:02 PM
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Nkocie, I for one have never seen the "benefit" in FWB. I've never seen that scenario actually benefit anyone for longer than it take sheets to cool. this may be the most intelligent thing I have ever read on here FWB is a spoiled male's con job we cougar types is waaaay smaaart I'll respectfully disagree on this one. My ex-husband started out as someone I was just friends with, and after we'd been friends with each other for a couple of years, *I* decided I wanted to be FWB. I was really not looking for a romance with him, because I'd had a couple of relationships end really painfully in the two years leading up to that point. But we trusted each other and I figured we could enjoy the physical pleasures and each other's company without getting too involved. Not long afterward, *he* decided he wanted a full-scale relationship with me, and it took him nearly two months to talk me into it. Don't get me wrong -- by then we were essentially dating exclusively, but I wouldn't come right out and call it that. Not to mention that we lived at least two hours apart. Well, I capitulated, and then moved to be with him. We lasted a decade, and we're now back to being just friends (WITHOUT the physical stuff now)... but we definitely started out as FWB and that wasn't a con on anyone's part. |
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Nkocie, I for one have never seen the "benefit" in FWB. I've never seen that scenario actually benefit anyone for longer than it take sheets to cool. this may be the most intelligent thing I have ever read on here FWB is a spoiled male's con job we cougar types is waaaay smaaart I'll respectfully disagree on this one. My ex-husband started out as someone I was just friends with, and after we'd been friends with each other for a couple of years, *I* decided I wanted to be FWB. I was really not looking for a romance with him, because I'd had a couple of relationships end really painfully in the two years leading up to that point. But we trusted each other and I figured we could enjoy the physical pleasures and each other's company without getting too involved. Not long afterward, *he* decided he wanted a full-scale relationship with me, and it took him nearly two months to talk me into it. Don't get me wrong -- by then we were essentially dating exclusively, but I wouldn't come right out and call it that. Not to mention that we lived at least two hours apart. Well, I capitulated, and then moved to be with him. We lasted a decade, and we're now back to being just friends (WITHOUT the physical stuff now)... but we definitely started out as FWB and that wasn't a con on anyone's part.  I only said from what I've seen. Yours doesn't sound like it ended badly but many do from what I've seen and heard. I won't even give my own experience full credit for being a FWB, as we only stumbled into benefits very briefly and rarely. I actually think it qualified more as friends trying to force a relationship to happen. We got along so well, on paper we would make the perfect couple, so tried to add the romance. Yeah, you can't force romance. Lesson learned.  But the point is that though it didn't end badly by any means, we both lost time we could have invested in more meaningful relationships. 
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Edited by
1Cynderella
on
Thu 07/04/13 06:51 PM
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Nkocie, I for one have never seen the "benefit" in FWB. I've never seen that scenario actually benefit anyone for longer than it take sheets to cool. this may be the most intelligent thing I have ever read on here FWB is a spoiled male's con job we cougar types is waaaay smaaart I don't know anything about the con man side of it. The women I know who have done the FWB gig didn't walk into any traps, they knew and agreed to the terms and were willing participants. I was thinking more along the lines that this kind of relationship seems to usually end with one of the two developing emotional ties and being hurt that the other didn't develop them too. Also, it seems like a substitute...maybe even crutch for some...preventing any real progress or even interest in a relationship with an emotional component. That's how I view them from what I've seen and heard. Via's account is the first one I've heard of that ended without tears and resentments. 
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Edited by
ridewytepony
on
Thu 07/04/13 08:14 PM
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Nkocie, I for one have never seen the "benefit" in FWB. I've never seen that scenario actually benefit anyone for longer than it take sheets to cool. this may be the most intelligent thing I have ever read on here FWB is a spoiled male's con job we cougar types is waaaay smaaart I don't know anything about the con man side of it. The women I know who have done the FWB gig didn't walk into any traps, they knew and agreed to the terms and were willing participants. I was thinking more along the lines that this kind of relationship seems to usually end with one of the two developing emotional ties and being hurt that the other didn't develop them too. Also, it seems like a substitute...maybe even crutch for some...preventing any real progress or even interest in a relationship with an emotional component. That's how I view them from what I've seen and heard. Via's account is the first one I've heard of that ended without tears and resentments. I would say I've had more FWB than love relationships, one may be hurting from a recent break up, or there's been many Times where I was going to be leaving for months to do my thing so that seemed to keep our feeling in check.I never came back and went back to where we left off. I think maybee that would send the wrong message, sometimes they may have developed new "relationships" so its about timing, and always have an exit plan  I did have one go bad as I didn't think we would ever like each other, we just didn't seem like each others type.I was there for the sex and companionship & was fresh out of a break up and in a week she told me she lovd me  I didn't see that comming, I got upset and Retorted back............and she cried  I did a 6 year "sentence"with her, marriage, "the whole nine"  |
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Nkocie, I for one have never seen the "benefit" in FWB. I've never seen that scenario actually benefit anyone for longer than it take sheets to cool. this may be the most intelligent thing I have ever read on here FWB is a spoiled male's con job we cougar types is waaaay smaaart I'll respectfully disagree on this one. My ex-husband started out as someone I was just friends with, and after we'd been friends with each other for a couple of years, *I* decided I wanted to be FWB. I was really not looking for a romance with him, because I'd had a couple of relationships end really painfully in the two years leading up to that point. But we trusted each other and I figured we could enjoy the physical pleasures and each other's company without getting too involved. Not long afterward, *he* decided he wanted a full-scale relationship with me, and it took him nearly two months to talk me into it. Don't get me wrong -- by then we were essentially dating exclusively, but I wouldn't come right out and call it that. Not to mention that we lived at least two hours apart. Well, I capitulated, and then moved to be with him. We lasted a decade, and we're now back to being just friends (WITHOUT the physical stuff now)... but we definitely started out as FWB and that wasn't a con on anyone's part. that may be an exception, but I have seen too much otherwise to believe other than what I do. There are the occasional excpetions to everything, but for the most part I don;t trust men who actively and specifically seek FWB. it strikes me as disrespectful, respectfully to u as well musica |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Thu 07/04/13 08:17 PM
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Nkocie, I for one have never seen the "benefit" in FWB. I've never seen that scenario actually benefit anyone for longer than it take sheets to cool. this may be the most intelligent thing I have ever read on here FWB is a spoiled male's con job we cougar types is waaaay smaaart I'll respectfully disagree on this one. My ex-husband started out as someone I was just friends with, and after we'd been friends with each other for a couple of years, *I* decided I wanted to be FWB. I was really not looking for a romance with him, because I'd had a couple of relationships end really painfully in the two years leading up to that point. But we trusted each other and I figured we could enjoy the physical pleasures and each other's company without getting too involved. Not long afterward, *he* decided he wanted a full-scale relationship with me, and it took him nearly two months to talk me into it. Don't get me wrong -- by then we were essentially dating exclusively, but I wouldn't come right out and call it that. Not to mention that we lived at least two hours apart. Well, I capitulated, and then moved to be with him. We lasted a decade, and we're now back to being just friends (WITHOUT the physical stuff now)... but we definitely started out as FWB and that wasn't a con on anyone's part. I only said from what I've seen. Yours doesn't sound like it ended badly but many do from what I've seen and heard. I won't even give my own experience full credit for being a FWB, as we only stumbled into benefits very briefly and rarely. I actually think it qualified more as friends trying to force a relationship to happen. We got along so well, on paper we would make the perfect couple, so tried to add the romance. Yeah, you can't force romance. Lesson learned. But the point is that though it didn't end badly by any means, we both lost time we could have invested in more meaningful relationships. I am in full agreement, for a variety of reasons. I think a lot depends on what u are looking for. If you are looking for a relationship, a partner or a best friend for a commitment then FWB is usually not going to be the best way to go |
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Nkocie, I for one have never seen the "benefit" in FWB. I've never seen that scenario actually benefit anyone for longer than it take sheets to cool. this may be the most intelligent thing I have ever read on here FWB is a spoiled male's con job we cougar types is waaaay smaaart I don't know anything about the con man side of it. The women I know who have done the FWB gig didn't walk into any traps, they knew and agreed to the terms and were willing participants. I was thinking more along the lines that this kind of relationship seems to usually end with one of the two developing emotional ties and being hurt that the other didn't develop them too. Also, it seems like a substitute...maybe even crutch for some...preventing any real progress or even interest in a relationship with an emotional component. That's how I view them from what I've seen and heard. Via's account is the first one I've heard of that ended without tears and resentments. exactly. that's the con...that there will be no feelings and that there is somehow a "benefit" to it all...in my expereince (and that of friends) that has always come from the man but I guess it could be the woman playing the con as well....who knows. All I know is that it is not for me....a real friend is not going to suggest you use each other for sex. |
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I understand where y'all are coming from, and I'm not offended. I do think my case might be unusual, so I'm not going to pretend it's the norm, although I do think that mutual FWB might be more common than anyone supposes. And if it truly is mutual and pleasurable, then in my opinion, no one is being "used" because the sex becomes a mutual sharing.
I've actually had two FWB in my life. The first one (way back in my twenties; let's call him JK) DID result temporarily in my feeling hurt when I developed feelings that he didn't, but once I reminded myself that he'd already gone on record as saying he wasn't looking for a romance I realized I couldn't blame him for his honesty, as he genuinely was a friend. I got over it, and will even admit that after my next relationship went sour and I felt I needed an outlet, I went back ONCE to that well with JK to get it out of my system... because at least I knew he wouldn't feel used. I dunno; maybe in some ways I approach sex a bit more like a guy supposedly does, although I don't think I always or even usually do. But I can, and perhaps that makes the difference. I have a high libido; maybe that's a factor? Given my choice, I'd far rather find ONE man with whom to spend the rest of my life in a committed, loving and yes, sexual relationship. But if for some reason I knew I was never going to have that, then I'll take a relaxed and playful sex life with trusted partners I care about as people and as friends over a life of celibacy. Again, that's just me speaking for myself, and I ascribe no particular attitude otherwise to anyone, your mileage may vary, void where prohibited, and if you're going to spindle or mutilate I'd rather not know about it.
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Fri 07/05/13 06:57 AM
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I understand where y'all are coming from, and I'm not offended. I do think my case might be unusual, so I'm not going to pretend it's the norm, although I do think that mutual FWB might be more common than anyone supposes. And if it truly is mutual and pleasurable, then in my opinion, no one is being "used" because the sex becomes a mutual sharing. I've actually had two FWB in my life. The first one (way back in my twenties; let's call him JK) DID result temporarily in my feeling hurt when I developed feelings that he didn't, but once I reminded myself that he'd already gone on record as saying he wasn't looking for a romance I realized I couldn't blame him for his honesty, as he genuinely was a friend. I got over it, and will even admit that after my next relationship went sour and I felt I needed an outlet, I went back ONCE to that well with JK to get it out of my system... because at least I knew he wouldn't feel used. I dunno; maybe in some ways I approach sex a bit more like a guy supposedly does, although I don't think I always or even usually do. But I can, and perhaps that makes the difference. I have a high libido; maybe that's a factor? Given my choice, I'd far rather find ONE man with whom to spend the rest of my life in a committed, loving and yes, sexual relationship. But if for some reason I knew I was never going to have that, then I'll take a relaxed and playful sex life with trusted partners I care about as people and as friends over a life of celibacy. Again, that's just me speaking for myself, and I ascribe no particular attitude otherwise to anyone, your mileage may vary, void where prohibited, and if you're going to spindle or mutilate I'd rather not know about it. right but in a real friendship there is an existing emotional attachment, by definition there is an attachment. If the FWB is more like an NSA to one partner but the other thinks there is a real friendship there....that is what I have seen happen and it's been the men who made it into an NSA saying they were a "Friend." Sorry but I stand on a real friend will not suggest using you for sex so if there is nothing else going on with that friendshp I'd question it. I had a better relationship sveral yrs ago jsut taking a lover, honestly and part of the definiton of terms maybe our generation gap too - I still think in terms of boyfriends, lover, fiance, husband lol I guess as far as ur friend JK, I can't honestly say I'd get involved with someone sexually who said they don't want romance. I cannot see a separation of the two. For me sex & romance go together. but perhaps I am not understanding you completely |
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I dont think the 'con' is in using. I think the 'con' is that you wont develop feelings, as if sex occurs in a fairy land and not your actual life. The physical part is obvious but most people approach sex from an emotional/cognitive location, too, if theyre doing it right. variations on the theme - yes the con is that there won't be feelings - that's just a little sociopathic for me because by definition a friend is an attachment that will involve emotions so there may be a continuum between NSA and FWB and if it's important to one, to make sure you and your prospective partner are on the same "area" of the continuum I am not condeming people for getting involved with an FWB (none of my beeswax) - just cautioning to have a good understanding of what that really means before accepting. I realize there are no guarantees in life, that is true enough without adding deception into the midst
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Edited by
lionsbrew
on
Fri 07/05/13 06:58 AM
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This topic is kinda person to person with me. Certain circumstances make you not want people in your life anymore and others your happy just still being in theirs.
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right but in a real friendship there is an existing emotional attachment, by definition there is an attachment. If the FWB is more like an NSA to one partner but the other thinks there is a real friendship there....that is what I have seen happen and it's been the men who made it into an NSA saying they were a "Friend." Sorry but I stand on a real friend will not suggest using you for sex Like I said, we had an existing friendship before sex entered the equation, and it was mutual. So it was all good for us, but I will admit we may well have been the exception to whatever is the rule. LOL and part of the definiton of terms maybe our generation gap too - I still think in terms of boyfriends, lover, fiance, husband lol "Generation gap"? If your profile is correct, there's only a 4 or 5 year difference in our ages. My 49th birthday is next month. We're both late-cohort Baby Boomers. I guess as far as ur friend JK, I can't honestly say I'd get involved with someone sexually who said they don't want romance. I cannot see a separation of the two. For me sex & romance go together. but perhaps I am not understanding you completely For me they normally (and preferably) do too, but at the time I was both looking for an outlet, and also was young and still experimenting to figure out what worked for me and where my personal boundaries were. I'd become engaged quite young (19) to my first love/first sexual partner, and while I didn't marry him I was at this point only about 3 years or so past the end of that relationship and still trying to define myself in terms of me rather than in terms of the "us" I had been part of. I think this was part of that process for me. |
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OK I see...right. I haven't always thought things through completely myself - even at a much older age. I have occasionally just "gone with it" hoping things would go well
and sometimes they have not sure there are specific "rules" musica. there seems to be some room for interpretation. basically ones comfort level is a good guide if your tummy says oooo I got that funny feeling this isn't right, then it prolly isn't the reverse also being true |
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May be this will cause of frictions for future.......friend......then girlfriend.......then friend........i think not happning
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