Journal entry 5-31-13


I woke up from a bad dream. Then I went to sleep and had some more bad dreams. These dreams are so vivid that I remember them after waking. They stay in my head like a catchy bad song. Still, these bad dreams anchor me to the mattress, my body is heavy as lead. All I can do is stretch and roll over and over in the covers until I have bound myself. I need a reason for this immobility.


I finally get up. I walk into the bathroom. I don't dare look into the mirror. I run my fingers through my hair, working it into a pony tail, then release it. I use my shirt to wipe the nights sweat and worry from my face. I walk into the kitchen and pour a cold cup of coffee and sit.


I can't shake the dreams so I meditate on the ghosts that haunt me. I ask myself "why does this bother me so much?"


A dream of my estranged husband with other women. This is so strange to me. A man who has been cruel to me for so many years. A man who is now forbidden by law to see or talk to me. A man I will surly divorce is haunting me.


What goes on in the heart and head? If I were a dog I would have bit him. If I were a horse, I would have bucked him off. Why is the heart so much stronger than the head? Why does the head allow a hint of jealousy? Is it the weakness of sleep? Because the watchman is sleeping?

it just takes time

The difference between the jealousy of him being with someone else, and that of him being with someone else before you.

A big, abusive, part of your life is still a big part of your life. Hopefully talking like this can help the rest of your life feel like the bigger part.

Maybe you never had closure with the man he was, before he revealed the bad side of him. Find him in your mind, take him out for one last drink and one last night, before saying goodbye forever.

Jez
You are profoundly touching.

Just here to help.

So sorry this write brought back motors for me as well. Good luck I wish you the best. God bless