Community > Jokes & Funny Stories

Topic: England v Scotland
Dodo_David Joined Fri 08/13/10 Posts: 48983	Tue 05/21/13 06:13 AM
Englishmen don't need to compete against Scotsmen. We have Nothing to prove. We don't need to brag or harp on about it. We ARE better. PERIOD!!! Yeah, right. For centuries, kings of England tried to conquer Scotland and failed. Then in 1603, the King of Scotland took over the English throne and kept it. Did you hear about the Englishman who had an inferiority complex? He thought he was the same as everyone else.

silversgt Joined Tue 11/20/12 Posts: 18	Mon 05/27/13 09:09 PM
How the Scots Invented the Modern World: The True Story of How Western Europe's Poorest Nation Created Our World & Everything in It, by: Arthur Herman Keeping it real..........:-)

uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 22015	Tue 05/28/13 03:03 AM
Back to the theme of this 'Joke and Humour' Thread..... How was the Grand Canyon formed? A Scotsman lost a halfpenny down a rabbit hole What's big, Scottish and depressing? Scotland! 200 quid for a UEFA Cup ticket 120 quid for a train ticket to Manchester 60 quid for overnight accommodation The look on Scottish football fans fans when they realise that Scottish football is still sh it. PRICELESS!!!

Dodo_David Joined Fri 08/13/10 Posts: 48983	Thu 05/30/13 05:53 PM
How the Scots Invented the Modern World: The True Story of How Western Europe's Poorest Nation Created Our World & Everything in It, by: Arthur Herman Keeping it real..........:-) Hey! Are you trying to make Englishmen jealous of Scotsmen . . . . . . more than they already are?

Dodo_David Joined Fri 08/13/10 Posts: 48983	Thu 05/30/13 05:58 PM
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians. ‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French halfbreeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’ ‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted a Scot in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.’ [From http://www.visitdunkeld.com/scots-jokes.htm ]

uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 22015	Thu 05/30/13 10:05 PM Edited by uk1971 on Thu 05/30/13 10:05 PM
How the Scots Invented the Modern World: The True Story of How Western Europe's Poorest Nation Created Our World & Everything in It, by: Arthur Herman Keeping it real..........:-) Hey! Are you trying to make Englishmen jealous of Scotsmen . . . English jealous of Scotland? Why on earth would we be jealous? The only good thing that came out of Scotland was Whisky. And even THAT is in many cases overrated and a let down.

uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 22015	Thu 05/30/13 10:12 PM
Seen on road signs entering Scotland...... Abandon hope all Ye who enter here. You are now entering Scotland........No salads for two hundred miles!!! Visitors are reminded to set their watches back 25 years

Foszil Joined Wed 01/28/09 Posts: 4917	Thu 05/30/13 11:01 PM
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians. ‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French halfbreeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’ ‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted a Scot in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.’ [From http://www.visitdunkeld.com/scots-jokes.htm ] Even though of Scottish descent, this is about the best I've heard

lovelylady98 Joined Fri 05/31/13 Posts: 2	Fri 05/31/13 10:07 AM
Haha very funny!!

Dodo_David Joined Fri 08/13/10 Posts: 48983	Fri 05/31/13 02:07 PM Edited by Dodo_David on Fri 05/31/13 02:08 PM
The only good thing that came out of Scotland was Whisky. And even THAT is in many cases overrated and a let down. And the only good thing that came out of England is . . .

uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 22015	Sat 06/01/13 02:51 AM
As I said previously. England will ALWAYS be better than Scotland.....PERIOD!!!!! The one main fault about Scotland???? Scotland itself!!!

Rawrr_Girl Joined Sun 10/04/09 Posts: 4431	Tue 06/04/13 05:16 AM
At least the english king and queen are known worldwide. Dig that :P I know this thread is not real arguing, only joking around, otherwise I'd not take part.

uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 22015	Tue 06/04/13 12:47 PM
Fair play to Billy Connolly. He turns 71 this year. Doesn't sound that impressive, Until you realise that's 497 in Glasgow years.

mistyg Joined Tue 06/04/13 Posts: 5	Tue 06/04/13 01:34 PM
Lol that's good

uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 22015	Wed 06/05/13 02:36 AM
A Scottish Jew, who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St.Andrews Golf Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went to find out why, and he was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that". " Well we don't want anyone hanging around with us that is circumcised." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!".

Dodo_David Joined Fri 08/13/10 Posts: 48983	Fri 06/07/13 06:43 PM
At least the english king and queen are known worldwide. Dig that :P I know this thread is not real arguing, only joking around, otherwise I'd not take part. First of all, there is no current king of England, and Queen Elizabeth is the queen of both England and Scotland. She is also a descendant of Scotland's King James VI, who took over the throne of England after Queen Elizabeth I died. Dig that :P

Dodo_David Joined Fri 08/13/10 Posts: 48983	Fri 06/07/13 06:44 PM
Scotland would be perfect if it were not for one thing - its neighbor to the south.

uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 22015	Sat 06/08/13 01:05 AM
Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London. Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent". "OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap! The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !