Thanks...I had some dysfunctional relationships earlier in life but I tried to learn from my mistakes and grow (and "heal") through the years...My husband did the same thing. (On his own before we met.)...I wouldn't date a man who was carrying around a lot of "old baggage" or "grudges" from past relationships. This would be a big warning sign to me...Most of us have experienced disappointments in the past. (In relationships and just in general.)...But I've always tried to process and "work-through" all of my hurts and "wounds" and anger and disappointments at some point. (Because I didn't want to be miserable and unhappy for the rest of my life or "sour" or negative etc.) How do you feel about it? Thanks.

I love this Claire... being secure and mature within ourselves and sharing equally... and the way you describe the growing and learning process when we're young and inexperienced... life is so much sweeter once we finally understand the true value and meaning of "compromise/sharing"... seeing the love and happy glint in the others eyes each time we give in and go with the flow... makes the minor sacrifices worth the bend...

AthenaRose...I agree with all you wrote...My husband and I just enjoyed making each other happy...We weren't "stingy" or "cheap" when it came to "giving" or "doing" for each other. And I'm talking about "everyday caring" and emotional support. (Not just "giving" in terms of money and material possessions.)...I think people can sink into a state of "poverty consciousness" without realizing it and become "stingy" with others. Have you noticed this?...People like this have trouble giving anyone else praise or credit or compliments (or a pat on the back) when it's "due."...They take the attitude: "Why should I lift a finger to help anyone else? Nobody helped me! Nobody gave me credit for anything."...And they become bitter and "hard" through the years and wonder why none of their relationships "work-out" or "last.".. Kind of sad. Isn't it?

Yes it is sad... the descriptive words that comes to my mind in processing your words is, "selfish and envious"... meaning... people who only focus on their own wants without regard for others, often become envious towards anyone that gets what they themselves want, but can't get without being fake and manipulative... negativity just makes my head spin...

I agree with you...Secure men don't need to "hold" their wives "back." They don't need to be the (absolute) "top dog" in their marriage or relationship...All of this "stuff" is based on a sense of competition and insecurities. Don't you think?...Even parents can try to "hold" their kids "back" in subtle ways if they are insecure and need to be the "top dogs" of their family. Or they fear abandonment etc...Have you noticed this?...Our families are suppose to be "safe harbors" when we can relax and grow and "thrive" and achieve our potential in life...If we're surrounded by loved ones who are insecure this can really stunt our growth and put us in a "bind." Don't you think?...What do we do? Should we be "true to ourselves?" Or should we "hold" ourselves "back?" (To supposedly "protect" a loved one's fragile and "shaky ego?")...Thanks for your great responses!

Which is why, once again, if I ever marry, I will want my partner to evolve to her highest being so she has maximum happiness. It will make my heart sing. Hmmm, same way I am about my kids!

I understand what you are saying because of the great relationship you had with your last husband… I can’t tell you enough how much I envy your good fortune… But, I have to be honest and say that I have never been with any man that did not want to hold me back for his own selfish reasons, in one way or another. Even the men that gave me more freedom by pushing me in the direction they wanted to see me go, eventually became envious of the attention I was shown by other men, and even women, and was constantly getting even with me by flirting with, or putting other women ahead of me in his respect… mens fragile egos when it comes to their possessive natures, in that they want to keep what they have to themselves, is something I will never whole heartedly understand, because they don’t allow us the same latitude with them… Men want to be free and to be trusted with said freedom, so they can cheat or flirt, or whatever pleasure it is they derive from being unfaithful to any degree in their relationships, while they expect us to toe the line so they don’t have to feel the sickness of jealousy…. So, until I get fortunate enough to meet a man that doesn’t have insecurity or power struggle issues, I can’t definitively give advice on something I haven’t experienced yet in all my 30 years after I became sexually active. Now, however, at 51, my life circumstances have changed, and I’m no longer dependent on a man for stability and support, so I will stay true to my own values and standards… and if any man tries to play me in any way, I will quit him and move on… this might sound harsh, Claire, but men seem to be confused about what it is they want out of, and in their lives, and what their personal contributions are to attain their goals… so at times they play games they think they can win… then when they lose, their pride is bruised and they want to blame the women for being a step or two ahead of them… I have a hard enough time protecting my own fragile feelings from the storms of others, so if a man wants to be with me, he’d better have enough of his own character strength, that not only will I not have to hold him up from breaking down, but that he will have extra to hold me up when I need his emotional support… that’s what I want in a man, and I won’t settle for less.. why should I?

EVERY situation has to be considered for it's own merit.

If one glass of water is bitter, try another, it may be sweet??

I don't believe it is a matter of one giving in. BOTH should give in. You give 100%, and your partner gives 100%. Since you can't give while receiving and in reverse the end result is 50/50. In matters of basic cohabitation, the strongest POSITIVE feeling or thought should prevail. If you are deciding on what you don't want, that is a recipe for trouble.

Smartie pants!! Great post Keith...

From what I can tell comprimise is the only way to make a relationship work.

And by comprimise I mean she says what she wants, and I give in and do it her way.

Did you just get 100 new messages?

I had some dysfunctional relationships earlier in life but nothing (quite) like you've described. Anyway I hope you meet a secure and self-actualized man in the future who won't feel jealous or threatened by your successes in life.

Me too... but I really think truly confident men exist only in a bubble, and they are few and far between. They always talk a good game about what I can do until I marry them, then they change and become possessive, wanting every bit of my attention focused only on them... of course I don't have a problem agreeing to do this, so long as they continue to respect me as their wife, not as their doting mother...

making it work, starts with choosing the right partner, for heterosexuals that means the opposite sex, but it doesnt STOP at being the right gender

you have to look at the individual and see if they match what you need and you match what they need

There are gentle, quiet, submissive and shy men out there, I dont begrudge them, but I know that isnt the right 'type' of man for me,, therefore, I will be drawn to and choose more assertive, dominant males.

If I am attracted to a male initially who is assertive , dominant, etc,, its reasonable for me to 'expect' them to remain that way, its when people present themself one way to attract a partner and then change into something drastically different afterwards, that obstacles arise

beach vacation dammit...lol

is Mano bossy? now that's news

and one day wake up and realize that if you really loved them you wouldn't be asking for basic changes from them....

some change is inevitable as any new even in life brings change. I think of it like....figure out between the two of you what the "hot buttons" are- vow not to push them....then each hopefully can give in on a few of the hot buttons that don't matter to them

like....I don;t like large gatherings, but he doesn not care one way or another....so we limit how many we go to, or he goes alone for a a few hours. He does not like restaurants...we eat out seldom, get take out, and HE takes cooking classes...lol

Super post!!...Also, cyber meeting/dating intensifies everything you just said!...False starts are common because most peeps initially join dating sites to make a love connection and in doing so strive to make a good impression on the opposite sex...It's a lot easier to sustain "putting your best foot forward" in cyber land than in the real world where couples have the advantage of eye contract, body language, and physical intimacy....Cyber is dimensionally limited (dimensionally limited, a Leigh original!) which makes meeting this way conducive to false starts...They best way to reduce the fallout of a false start is to meet as soon as possible...That was something Jerry and I agreed on from the start of our relationship in order to limit/prevent hurting each other should either of us not want to take our friendship to the next level..We made a pact to remain friends if there was no desire for a romantic relationship too...We were just lucky...We connected in cyber and the connection was even stronger in real time....Oh and PS...It was not a "first" attempt for either of us...

Good to see you HarmonY!

thanx Leigh, good to see you too