I make a point of not letting it become too important to me actually.

I do realize this attitude is counterproductive, and it’s not entirely lost on me that the very fact that I make a point of minimizing the importance means that it’s more important than I want to admit. The fact that I acknowledge it probably means that I am more hopeful than I'd admit.

No, it’s not lost on me that I just did admitted it.

Well, the other day a woman that was actually within dating distance nudged me on here and after exchanging a couple of messages we had agreed to meet up at some unspecified time. I wasn't counting on it actually happening though and whenever I do this I have to explain to them that I have a disability because I don't want to waste their time or theirs. It's not just that though because if I get stood up I could have a problem getting home again, so I've got to worry about that and maybe explain that to them as well. But if I do that I'm making myself sound a bit pathetic and lacking confidence. It's a bit tricky and I've downplayed it in the past because I'm not actually completely helpless and if it came to it I could get home somehow, even if it did mean asking total strangers for help, which I don't really like doing.

Even still though, I still have to explain to them that I have a disability because I'm not just going to hit them with that on the day of the date when we meet and I am obviously looking for someone that's going to accept me for who I am.

I contacted another woman on here recently as well and from reading her profile and talking to her it is pretty clear that she is very picky and she almost certainly isn't looking for somebody like me. She mentioned something about how she's talked to men on here but hasn't actually dated them because they had "problems". If she replies to me again I guess I'll just treat her as somebody on the internet that I'm chatting with and I don't plan to ask her out and therefore my problems are really none of her business really. Why am I telling you lot about them then you might ask? Not really sure but I've mentioned them before here and I guess that this forum is an appropriate place for "sharing" and I sort of consider some of the other posters here to be friends.

I have other concerns about the whole dating thing as well but I guess this is the main thing that makes me "cynical" about it because even when they tell me that they don't have a problem with my having a disability, when it actually comes down to it it is always going to be a problem that effects my life and my relationships.

I haven't heard again from that woman that said that she wanted to meet me. I don't know why but in my last message to her I told her quite a bit about my problems and things that I have done to try to overcome them. So yeah, still searching for that "special someone" but in a rather halfhearted way and not really all that optomistic about it.

Great post! Your honesty is refreshing...My son passed away last year from brain tumors. We talked about what his life (and future) might be like when he seemed to be recovering. (He had just turned 40.)..It was obvious that he would definitely need a walker or maybe even a scooter or wheelchair to get around at times. The tumors had caused nerve damage on his right side...My son was happy to be alive despite his handicaps. He "made-it" through several risky surgeries and chemo etc...He asked me if any woman would want to date him now that he was "disabled."...And you know I honestly believed that the "right woman" would come into his life one day...My son had a "big heart" and a "great mind" and a lot to "offer" despite his physical disabilities. I told him that shallow and superficial women may "pass him by" but he had never been interested in women like this anyway. (And he laughed and agreed!)

Sorry to hear about your son.

Yeah, it's tough when you have a disability and you feel that nobody is going to want you. It also makes it hard to actually get out and meet people, so that when friends or family tell you that you are a great person and that there's somebody out there for everybody it isn't really much comfort. I don't expect to meet anybody in the real world because of the way things are and I am not very hopeful that it's going to happen on the internet either. I'm really only on this dating site and there are hardly any local women on here. I try not to be bitter about the rejection and I just try to get on with my life. It's nice to have little fantasies and to ocasionally get messages from people on here, even though it's just virtual reality and it's unlikely that anything's going to come from it. I don't think that it's that I have a negative atitude. At the end of the day I can only be myself and if that isn't good enough for these women then good luck to them.

Cynical...Not even remotely hopeful. Pretty sure I'm to roam this land alone, the same way I came into it. Certainly open to succumbing to the mental condition, probably should quit calling it a mental condition, but it is so hard when it is so similar to schizophrenia.