Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 12 gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of a few ounce's of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... And there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in DA Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

What's gray and comes in quarts?

An Elephant

NASTAY!!!!!!!!

I'm not the best at remembering jokes, but this is pretty close.


A woman goes to a doctor’s office and the doctor is dumbstruck by her beauty.

All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to disrobe, and when she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

He says to himself, “Oh, what am I doing?"

Thinking he’s addressing her, she replies, “Checking for abnormalities?"

Then the doctor begins rubbing her breasts, and again says to himself, “What am I doing?”

This time, she replies with confidence, "Checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to lie on the table and put her legs in the stirrups. He unzips his fly and begins having sex with her.

He asks her, “And what I’m doing now?”

She replies, "Getting herpes, which was why I’m here!"

A man who was drunk more than not, chain smoked and picked up strange women, was sick of his friends constantly nagging him that his lifestyle choices where going to end up killing him.

One drunken night, he decided to do an experiment to see just how harmful drinking, smoking and his sexual habits were.

He put three worms in three jars. He poured whiskey in one jar and closed the lid. He blew cigarette smoke in one jar and closed the lid. He ejaculated in the last jar and closed the lid and went to bed.

The next morning, when he woke, he was astonished to find every worm had died.

The man met with his friends that night and told him of his experiment. After learning the results, his friends looked satisfied and asked if he was going to quit drinking and smoking and having random sex so much.

To their surprise, he answered, “Hell no! And risk getting worms?”

This one's for you Willing2.

What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage.
The penguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

Cool!!

Good one!!

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before making love, the wife tells her new husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before me."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, God I miss him!"

Liza and Jane was walking down the street.

A dude sitting on the porch hollered out,"Hey there, Liza."

Liza responded,"Hey there, big eight."

A little farther down another guy hollered out a window,"Hey there, Liza."

She hollered back,"Hey there, three time."

A block or so later, another man yelled at her from the driveway,"Hey, Liza."

She called back at him,"Hey there, all night."

Jane was confused. She said,"Liza. I know all them guys. Why you call them big eight, three time and all night?"

Liza says."Simple. Big eight has eight inches of choice meat. Three time, he's good for three times a night. And, that all night, he good for all night long."

Jane's satisfied so, they keep on going.

Next block and a dude yells,"Hey, Liza."

Liza yells back,"Hey there, Four Roses."

Jane says."Liza. I understand about all those others but, Four Roses, that's a liquor."

Liza's eyes roll and she says."That's right!"

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs.

Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

How do you reuse a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the **ck out of it!!

The difference between a light bulb and a pregnant broad?

You can unscrew the light bulb.

Cyndy, Your jokes are funny, but you spell 'come' with a U! lol

An old man approaches a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asks "Do you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes? I'm lost here."
She replied, "You can, but why do you want to talk to me if you are lost?"
"Well," he responded, "I'm here with my wife, and all I have to do is talk to a beautiful woman, and she will be right here!"

Ok, Ok, how 'bout this one:

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Don't know. Never heard of one.

What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

Why is it so difficult to find a man that is sensative, caring, and good looking?

They already have a boyfriend!

Hubby: "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack up your bags!"
Wife: "WOW, that's great news! Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?"
Hubby: "I don't care, just get out!"

A woman enters a post office lobby, and notices a well dressed man at a counter putting 'Love' stamps on a stack of pink envelopes, and adding a spray of perfume to each when they're sealed. Overcome with curiosity, she approached him and asked "Aren't you late for Valentine's Day? Is that what you're up too?"
"No" he replied, "I'm sending a thousand of these out signed "Guess Who?"
"But why?" the woman questioned.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer."

A young newlywed couple were chatting with friends at a party when the subject of marriage counselors came up.
"Oh, we'll never need them," the young woman smiled. "We are college graduates, my husband majored in communications, and I am a theater major. My husband tells me all, and I act like I'm listening."