When I was a child ... I thought there really was a Santa ... unfortunately ... so did my parents!

lent my friend £5000 for Plastic Surgery ....... now I dont know what he looks like!

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

These are great

i like skittles

Well why not ask her for a date.

i like skittles ..and i do mean the candy..

"People say you can't live without love.. but I think oxygen is far more important."

"Don't tell your problems to people. 80% of them don't care while the other 20% is happy you have them."

"I gave up drinking and doing drugs. I found out I'm allergic cause I always break out in handcuffs."

"Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see the wet spot, but only you can feel it's true warmth."

"What to know if there truly is life after death? Try and sit in my grandfather's rocker."

"Always enjoy life; because there's plenty of time to be dead."

"God put me on Earth to accomplish so many things; but right now, I'm so far behind I may never die."

"Freedom of speech is one thing, but minding your own **** business is another."

"You want a fact of life?
After Tuesday, even the Calendar says W T F."

Math Problem:

Time + Money = Girls

As we know
Time = Money

Therefore;

Girls = Money x Money = (Money)2

Knowing this; we also know money is the root of all evil

So, basically...

Girls = Evil

"The real trouble with life is that there is no danger music."

"A bank is a place where they give you an umbrella during fair weather, than ask for it back when it's pouring."

"I was born free, but now I'm expensive."

"Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world; I would know, I've done it a thousand times."

"If you're gonna be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty."

"You want to double your money to impress her? Fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."

"Shut up voices! Or I'll Q-Tip you again!"

"If you think you're screwed, just remember, we all live on a little blue ball floating in an endless pool of darkness."

"When I was born, I was so ticked off at the way the world was; I didn't talk for a whole year!"

"Life is merely a competition to become a criminal before we become the victim."

"Why does the pizza guy always make it to my house before the cops?"

"If a clown died in the desert, and condors began to eat him; do you think it'd taste funny?"

Shut up voices! Or I'll Q-Tip you again!"

That's my favorite too. :)

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

No, they prefer cheerios.

..less to sound out. XD