I get blasted a lot and get called things like "gold digger" and people say that I hang onto the coat tails of successful men. My friends in really life would laugh hysterically if they read some of the things written to and about me.

I am to the extreme opposite of a gold digger. It is at times a determent. I am like if a guy has a job, cool. He lives somewhere and pays the mortgage or rent, cool. He operates a motor vehicle, cool. Beyond that I really don't care much about details. I figure it's not really my place esp. if I just met them or whatever. It might come into play whether or not you drive a Chevy Aveo or an Escalade (I only know what those are because I watch TMZ) because I need to know if your vehicle can park in my two car garage or if you need street parking.

Here is my problem, I find that I am not good for the male ego. I figure they get plenty of praise, awards, bonuses, etc. at work and do not need me to tell them how good they are at their job, etc. I am more about telling them what character traits they possess that I admire in them or that they look really nice because they got all cleaned up for a date or something or they smell really good because they obviously just showered and put on their good cologne, etc.

I am told by my successful friends that is why they like me. I also never so much as accept Carl's Jr. from someone I am not somewhat involved with at some level. I never in their mind want to be added to that list of women who took and took and took.

I have literally had business cards thrust in my face that say "so and so, owner of such and such" because I had no idea it was their company and recently I told someone they were good at their job and he blasted me with "Good? I make X number of thousands and the best you can come up with is 'Good'???"

I am very naive often as to who I am going out with in their career. I have what I call "My version of them" who is the private person I hang with and "The other version of them" which the rest of the world is presented with. Usually very different things.

Here is my problem, I do not know how to show proper reverence for their career. I seriously don't. Or for material things they possess. Like I was in a brand new fully loaded Toyota Camry. I do not know cars. I just commented that the ride we went on was extremely smooth and comfortable and asked what kind of car it was. He could not believe I did not know what a brand new Toyota Camry looked like. We don't date but became fast friends. He never lets anyone in his apartment and he was showing me all his "toys" (guitars and such). Call me stupid or whatever other insults but I don't keep up on cars and such. I drive the very first of the Dodge Neons that came out that one year at Superbowl. The "Hello" commercial one. I love it because of the commercial and I can park it anywhere. I am very sentimental about that car. One of my friends often says, "Terri Lyn, I know you are sentimental about the car but what particular meaning does the dirt caked on it have for you?"

I mean seriously how do you acknowledge that someone is kick *** at their job but at the same time express that is not why you are interested in them? I usually have no clue what they do exactly for a long time. If you say, "I'm in marketing". I don't ask tele or VP. Once you explain your job to me, I can describe to people better than your secretary probably because if you want me to take interest in something I am a quick learner and memorize. I mean jobs go away so I rather value the things that don't go away like personality traits and kindness.

I find some people are drawn to me because I don't care but others get very upset.

How do other people approach this?

I think this is the key to the whole thing. A job is what you do, it's not who you are.

In this culture, a lot of people become oblivious to the difference, and derive a lot of validation and self-esteem from what they do, rather than who they are.

As a result, what they do becomes more of a priority, more of a focus, and they tend to stop working on who they are.

These are the people who can't communicate well outside of "shop talk." The ones who can tell you how many boxes of Morton Salt go into a case, and how many cases are being shipped to a retailer in Luxembourg next week, but who stare blankly when you ask for their opinion on stem cell research. "What does that have to do with Morton Salt?"

Most of my exes have been people who did not define themselves by their occupations. Then again, they tended to take jobs that were high-turnover, impermanent positions, with the idea that they could/would eventually move on to some better employment.

None of this really ever mattered to me. As you say, jobs go away. If I like her, she can work at Hot Topic or be the head of FermiLab, and I'm still going to like her.

Wellll I think u need to mix it up a little it mayb the way u come across is too nice n summ ppl may mistake that for being arrogant instead of u showing them too much attention try n make them.give u attention n since ur abit like me iv learnt to back of sometimes n wait for.them to come to u this.way they knw that they cam always come to u for.a.chat or to clear thier head x

I think this is a lesson in basic social skills. For me personally, in a year when I graduate I will be very proud of my occupation. I've worked very hard at it, and I think a true friend would be very proud of my new found success. People spend a lot of their waking hours working, so yes... it becomes a pert of them

Now, an acquaintance on the other hand, I mean who cares what they think? I don't.

I think a good example of this would be if a friend who literally was not attractive in your eyes asked you if they were ugly. You could be truthful, and say, "no," but honestly, who does that?

I did notice you used the word "I" a lot in your OP. Maybe you are too self-absorbed to consider you might just make someone's day if you acted like you were the slightest bit impressed.

Ha! Only for illustrative purposes of course.

I recognize that I do use "I" statements. I was a trained grief counselor at one point. It's a long story. I was taught to use I statements on purpose. As you you you and they they they is considered hostile and accusing. "I" was taught to say how I perceived and felt about things and not project those perceptions and feelings onto others as they are often incorrect when you do so. As "I" always say "never assume anything" esp. on here. You get little brief snap shots of a person and even if they are a person who talks a lot like me and you feel you may know them, NOT EVEN CLOSE.

LOL about the car. It is a good memory for me. I saw that super bowl commercial and fell in love with it and test drove it so it was given to me. I tell people who laugh about my love of cassettes, VHS, my old car with the Club on it because I think the Club is hilarious that they should remember if I am that silly sentimental about those things, I feel at least that strongly about them and am not trading them up either if I love them. OH BTW for my "friends" who follow me, a friend taught me something to say other than "ex husband". He taught me to say, "IN THE PAST....blah blah blah is how whatever worked".

I'm just curious, but with that mentality why even bother asking what a bunch of strangers think... on here?

It's not like you're gonna heed to their advice, right?

I actually do listen to and respect a lot of people on here if you pay attention but when someone has an attitude or something, I don't generally listen to people with axes to grind. There are certain people I do respect and listen to very much so because they are not caught up in the little nucleus of my life and offer a fresh perspective. But if someone comes off as angry or resentful in general, meaning real life too, I take it that they have their own agenda or something. When I have a serious question like this and receive answers I think to myself "of the people who answered, who seems to be happy with themselves? who seems to be living a life that I would want for myself and admire? how content do they appear? do they take their own advice? are their social skills and tact something I would like to emulate?" Things like that.

thats a new one tea,, I have never dated someone who expected me to know how 'good' they were in their job (unless I worked with them, which only happened ONCE)

Id say such a man probably has a bit of a confidence issue

True... but if you pick and choose who's perspective is deemed qualified enough then your decisions become selective, no?

Like if someone told me something I don't wanna hear, does that automatically make them a prick that has absolutely no positive input?!

No but if you tell me the moon is a ball of sharp cheddar rolled in nuts until you bring some back on a cracker, I'm probably going to let that theory go.

I went on a date once, eons ago, and the gentleman went on and on and on and on about how much his house cost, what car he drove, his boat, trips he took and other things I tuned him out after that. Why, 2 reasons, first; I came from a family that had money and "things" not much love or respect,I am not interested. Second, I got distracted by the ice melting in my drink. It was more interesting than repeting over and over, " Oh yeah, how nice for you." Needless to say he never called again. And thats ok. I would rather hear why you love your job. I would rather hear how you fixed your car or the sentimental reason you bought a car like your dad had. Tell me stories of the fish you caught, not the boat you were in while you caught it.

So how do I handle these situations? As you can see not very well.

They're your decisions to make. Who says you can't pick and choose who's perspectives to listen to and who's advice to take?

Also, just because someone asks a question on here, it does not mean they must take all the advice offered. They should absolutely pick and choose what works best for them.

I will give concrete examples as to who I listen to just listed in this thread (these are just my personal opinions):

klc - while often sharp tongued and pointed in their playfulness due to IQ (high not low) will put down the sarcasm and playful banter, and give you real advice if you really need it.

singmesweet - if you want a very pro-active women's lib type view, she's your woman. strong willed and independent and the master of her destiny.

Ms. Harmony - the epitome of good solid American traditional core values. A rock in any storm. While she is very modern, she represents American ideals. She could not be anymore what she is if she lived in a house with a white picket fence, an apple pie cooling in a window sill and watching the kids play baseball outside while filling out an absentee voting ballot.

Lex - someone who will not BS, and cut to the point in a highly intelligent manner and even though he is more than smart enough to verbally or mentally destroy people and throw them under the bus, he chooses to have more class than to be low brow like that and is positive and supportive.

The reality is that it does no one any good for me to destroy them and/or throw them under the bus. I just don't see things in those terms. On some level, we're all here for the purposes of some sort of communication (except for the lurkers, and they're invisible, so they don't count until they get up the nerve to get on here and say something!), and why mess up anybody's day over something as trivial as a post in a forum on a dating site?

Not that I haven't done it a few times (old habits are hard to break; old reflexes even moreso), but you live and learn (hopefully).

Tea, I don't see a problem with anything I've read of yours so far. People sometimes have their own ways of interpreting what they read, though, and sometimes what they read is not what you said, or meant. There are people in the world who can come across as hostile and resentful just because you have something to say, and know how to say it. They feel threatened, for whatever reason, by people like that. I don't understand it myself, but I've certainly seen it enough times to recognize it.

But you can't change them, and there's no point in trying. It's out of your control. Just keep on doing what you do, and being who you are. In the end, none of the other stuff really matters much.

To do is to be. -- Socrates, 673 B.C.

To be is to do. -- Descartes, 1798 A.D.

Dobedobedo. -- Frank Sinatra, 1958.

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Seriously thinking, in the USA it`s money that matters the most when it comes to social acceptance.

Since jobs are disappearing, and not working is a shame, and because historically you could always turn to a life of honest work when you needed money, jobs are gaining importance more than ever in recent history, only because they`ve become a scarce commodity.

So this is the reason for Amy`s obsession with jobs. Your potential dates will want a person with a job; for security, for status, for not starving to death or be thrown out to the streets to rot and die.

In countries with socialized medicare and a social safety net, the citizens of which Americans have historically called `lazy bums` and `freeloaders' and 'leeches' are now histerically laughing at Americans and their pointless obsession with working, with cruel selfishness, which the Amys always referred to as 'independence of spirit and enterprise'.

----

Since jobs are becoming really important, people who have no jobs are cast aside from desireability in America, and these cast-aways are rebelling against that. That`s what expressions like this mean:
`A job is what you do, it's not who you are.`

I don`t know who in America can be fooled with slogans to this effect.

A job is a job is a job. The occupy wall street is a step in the right direction to substantiate the above quote, and I am supportive of that, but you guys are still a long way away from what other modern and present day democracies achieved eons ago.

I said, `long way away`, but it does not necessarily translate into `long time away`. You see, a revolution can start up like a hurricane: in a moment's notice, all of a sudden, and gain force in no time.

America is ready to rebel, and all that's needed is a spark on the dry leaves and dried-up dreams of many Americans.

So... I warn the authorities... create a spark, big oil, big business, big politics, create an incident of abandoned cruelty and overt oppression to some citizens, and the Big Bigs go up in flames in no time.

I am a distant descentant of Nostradamus.

No doubt, but --

I was me before I ever wrote a book. I was me before I had any of the jobs I had in the past.

I was me before I ever went to school....

I was me before I was able to walk or talk or tie my shoes.

If other people want to define me by what I do, that's fine. It's simple, it's easy, it requires no thought or perception or analysis. People like shortcuts. I get that.

But, in my mind, writing is something I DO. It is not me, per se.

I was me before I ever wrote a thing, and I will still be me when I'm done writing, unless I get hit by a meteor in the middle of a paragraph or something, which is not impossible.

All I'm saying is I think the whole "You are your job" concept is wrong. I don't look at people that way (probably because I've seen such a person/job dichotomy/inconsistency in so many of the people I've known) and I don't think it makes any sense to see people that way.

But that's just me. Society sees things differently from me. It always has, it always will.

In some ways, I'm actually very thankful for that.

I will tell you that my good good friends who are successful because a lot of them I met when they were "nobody" to the world but they were "somebody" to me. And some of my friends who were "somebody", which I never care about, when they hit the skids for whatever reason, I was the one going, "Hey would you like me to make you my famous roast chicken for your birthday?" when I knew they were starving but too proud to ask me for food or I would have a two for one coupon and swing by with the extra burger or whatever or buy them a cup of coffee or whatever. I have had very successful friends end up temporarily homeless, etc. Guess who cut their hair and let them come over and take "Hollywood Showers" and did their laundry??

For $49.99....plus s&h....I can give you the Goofball "10 minutes of successful sensitive training". Sorry...no COD's or any of that crap.