Mods I am putting it in general because it covers all relationships.

I have noticed that it is almost always unknown assumptions and unknown expectations that seem to be the cause of most problems in all relationships. Unknown usually because the person expects the other person to know it without having said it. Of course, this also indicates a breakdown of communications.


What do you think? yea or nay

Ummmm....how about talking to each other so the unknown becomes known?

And if the person would keep derailing the topic, it's right to be suspicious of hiding something and it's time to consider to back off and give up on him or her after a certain amount of tries of getting the info out.

yes- I agree

and it can be difficult to get a man to discuss his feelings. some of us women aren't that good at it either

so I think what happens sometimes is that we talk about everything else but what needs talked about - to keep the connection going

Exactly

It's called, living in a dream world. I have done it myself. It's either the fear of not daring to discuss serious matters or the fear of becoming lonely (again) so many people prefer to have the relationship to go on, even though it's hurting both of them.

drugs, alcohol and lies. the terrible threesome.

Part of the issue is personal compatibility.

People fear loneliness and likewise will try to do the equivalent of trying to force a square peg in a round hole so they don't have to be lonely. In other words they try to make a relationship of convenience work the way a real relationship is supposed to work. And that doesn't work. Maybe one in several thousand might succeed but the rest are failures in the making.

Some people prefer to live a lie!



TIMMY!

not really - especially at the beginning when ur are still forming ur friendship I think those first few times to talk about each other in a personal way - are awkward - it's not living in a dream world

I think you have put a spin on my words that I did not intend- misinterpreted me

I was thinking about the beginning of a relationship before there is a a relationship and it's still a friendship that is forming. It's hard to have those first few talks - no one wants to say the wrong thing - or mess things up- and it's prolly smart sometimes not to say too much till u know how u feel about someone

Time spent together. That about sums it up best.

The fact that they're never honest about their intentions in the beginning. They pretend to agree with my beliefs, my desired relationship, in the early stages, and then try to change me once they think they're firmly enough ensconced that I will be OK with abandoning my core beliefs for them.

u mean u actually have core beliefs for how a friendship or relationship will evolve before it actually happens???

is that like predestination? r u presbyterian?

The Assumption that Trust is Mutual

I'll be extremely frank with you and cover what it is that is the biggest factor in breaking down my relationships with others. I'll be extremely frank because right now I feel like being so.

1. My impossibly high expectations of all other humans. I don't tolerate any mistakes, errors, errors in judgment, oversights, needy intentional breaking of rules or promises.

2. My quich temper and my uncontrollable anger, which I can control only to the extent that I keep from being violent or causing bodily harm or breaking objects or throwing things; but I can't control my anger to hold back angrily bursting and hurtling expletives.

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That covers social situations, lover-type relationships, and behaviour with those who provide me with a service for which they get paid.

The following is for work:

- inability to stay focussed
- insubordination
- making too many jokes
- not taking directions well
- being self-directed
- laziness -- this comes from my extreme disgust of performing the same tasks over and over again, and it crops up in every job, all that I have had: busboying, gardening, giggoloing, computer programming, being an auditor, self-employment, and volunteerism; and helping my relatives who were old and frail for free.

The above helped me manage to get fired from absolutely all my jobs I ever had. Even my aunt fired me on her deathbed, and hired hired help to help her go to the washroom. The jobs lasted from one week in length to several years, but never more than three years.

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The following is for social- or gaming club-situations, such as bridge clubs or philosophical circles, where I participate with others because of a common interest, not because of a genuine personal liking for anyone necessarily:

- inability to take any sort of controlling behaviour over me
- inability to tolerate behaviour that seems to me as belittling, degrading, demeaning
- inability to control my mood (goes from good to bad then back to good, for no apparent reason. One thing that influences it in a positive direction is coffee, the other, my medication)
- inability to communicate so that others get my meaning quickly
- therefore many view me as a blabbering danderhead
- because in social situation an explanation is not often asked, and there is no time to provide one that is satisfactory, in a fast-moving group conversation
- inability to sustain warm, funny, intelligent attitude in a given group
- I often wonder into sarcastic territory, or unfunny territory, or mental-logical bullying territory
- I can't show consistent support or even warmth to one given human being

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The above are the MAJOR points. There are ten times as many minor points that I expect of others or I do that are unattractive or repulsive and which destroy my relationship with groups and individuals, and they includ such as an inability to suffer fools, always shave and shower and brush my teeth, wear happy clothes always, etc. etc. and many-many others.

I agree inasmuch as trying to force the wrong peg into the holes, but that only covers sex, literally. I don't do it due to fear of loneliness, that is actually very comfortable for me. But sexlessness bothers me to this day. You'd think that twelve years of it would have been enough to get used to it good and proper.

I agree but it seems that in relationships, mom-daughter, brother-sister, boyfriend-girlfriend, man-wife, etc... there always seems to be these assumptions and expectations that are "suppose" to be known by the other person.

Example: If a woman is of the mind set and has seen her father take out the trash all her life that it is just known to be a man's job to take out the trash. She doesn't say it but is expecting it. In the man's life his mom always took out the trash and he assumes that women know it is their job.

Not the best example but you see what I mean. Assumptions and expectations that are unknown.

Brothers and sisters have an idea of what their relationships should be when grown but it never seems to be the same idea from one to the other, right?

But you are right communication, good communication would solve most all of them.

Their god. =)

I think the bigest hardship in any relationship with me whether its lover, friends, or family is my strength. I hate depending on anyone, leaning on anyone, or asking for any help. Its my pride that has made me that way I suppose.

Been there and done that too many times. Alcohol and drugs always mean fantasy life and a painful fantasy life at that.