First off, this is not an easy story to tell! This is intended as a vent to help me heal and not a plea for sympathy or advice! I have always respected the opinions of others here so please post them.

It still makes me feel crazy so if you think I am you are likely right to think so! My ex hubby killed a man. The guy was stabbed 9 times in the chest and 5 went straight into his heart. A friend was with him & said friend actually grew up with me as my brother's best friend and lived with my family for years and we referred to each other as brother and sister. When I saw the body on the news the next day, I knew who the guy was and called the police to help ID the body. When the ex & friend were questioned, said friend told them what happened and my ex was arrested!

Pretty big shocker for me as I was a sophomore in college and had no job at the time. The ex told me and everyone else that the friend had committed the murder and then told the cops it was him (which was believable since the friend had pulled a knife a threatened the guy a few weeks prior). The friend wouldn't even look at me, much less talk to me and the cops forbade us having any contact anyhow! I assumed that since he couldn't even look at me that he was lying. The case went to trial a year later and my ex was convicted and sentenced to 20yrs. I lost everything but my dogs which the exs parents had trained to fight each other while I worked went to school, and helped his attorney prepare for trial & a car that ran like crap, but refused to quit school because I knew I'd never go back if I did.

I stayed in limbo for a few years and was always haunted with doubt about what really happened! I was too afraid to let anyone know that I doubted him because it basically ripped apart many friendships and family ties and I didn't wanna add anymore hurt to anyone else's plate (especially my own I guess)! I was emotionally wrecked for many years and feel like I am finally putting my life back together now! I got into a graduate program despite the few troubled semesters I'd had and hard as it was I moved away from my family and friends because I just couldn't handle running into certain people anymore!

I happened to meet a nice enough guy while working nights my last year there and we kinda jumped into a relationship and he moved with me. I think trying to have another relationship prevented me from healing from my past one, but I was so afraid to be alone at the time. I finally ended that LTR after 4 years and have focused on getting me back to me again since then. I reconnected with the ex hubby & he wants to give us another shot and I had seriously considered it. I had felt so much guilt for leaving him after what I thought had happened. He finally told me the truth and that it was he that committed the crime and not our friend and doesn't understand why I am so hurt about being lied to! WHY can't I leave the past in the past and forgive & forget? Why can't I trust him? Ugh...He's lucky he lives in a steel effin' cage cause I'd really love to smack the crap outta him right now!

He promises that he has dealt with the root cause of his rage and has sent me stacks of certificates from classes, but to me it will never give me back the years I lost or undue any of the pain I have had to go through (including PTSD, depression, and inability to deal with my emotions for years).

WTF? I feel like such a dumbass for ever loving him, but refuse to let this ruin me as a person and render me incapable of having something great with someone worth it later down the road (I know I need to finish healing first)!!!`I have learned though that my intuition has never been wrong. I know I'm gonna be okay & if that had never happened I wouldn't be where I am today.

I have been advised by a counselor that as long I refuse to talk about this and let someone not involved in the situation see how much it has hurt me (refusal to be emotionally vulnerable) that I am never gonna truly heal from it....so here it is for everyone to see! I know it's a big pill to swallow, cuz I've been choking on it for a while now.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that & are still trying to cope & put it behind you. Have never been in a situatiion like this. All I can do is send a hug!! ((((Flyflysgirl))))

thanks girl...there are so many more details that I could probably write a book! I was raised to be tough, but this has surely tested me out. I'm tired of hurting and I don't want to stay so bitter that I ruin any future relationships due to him being a DB!

Hugs to you too!! I got lost from the third line on, as the "he" was no longer clear to me which was which, but that's okay, it's not always about "me".

OK, that's a mess and I'm sorry you've had to live through all that. I think you've done a great job getting to this point with your sanity intact!

There is a line in your post which I'm going to take entirely out of its original context and toss it back at you:

"WHY can't I leave the past in the past"

And here's where I think we see a real indicator of what you need to do -- leave the past in the past, with the understanding that he is a big part of that past.

And, yes, it's easy to say "move on with your life," but it's a lot harder to do. It takes time, a lot of time, and I think your counselor is 100% right on the money that you need to get this out in the open.

You've done an excellent job of describing the situation and your feelings about it. This tells me that you've made some significant strides toward working through it. Stay on track and don't let it mess up your future!

I am happy for you that you have finally had the courage to vent this out, fireflysgirl. I know from experience that doing such thing as expressing the thoughts and feelings you have long been keeping is not so easy. But this surely kind of gives us new courage to finally face our battle. Head on girl! Sending you a hug for more encouragement

Big Hug fireflysgirl.
It takes alot of guts to stand up to things that are uncertain. Your intuition was right. You are a very brae soul to live through that, and to survive. You are a very strong woman, believe in that. This situtaiton has left you stronger. It is a part of your past, so now that you have had the courage to share it, It will help you move on.

MUCH LOVE TO YOU>

thanks guys and Lex...you def. hit the nail on the head. The ex thinks that I should be able to leave the past in the past and still have a future with him & I disagree!

There is no amount of professional help in the world that is gonna help me to be able to trust him ever again! I always thought that he was my soulmate so it is hard to move on, but I have realized that loving myself is much more important than loving him.

wux...he generally refers to the ex hubby, but sorry if I muddled things up!

axl...not easy at all for me. I hate feeling weak and emotional, but I refuse to let this keep me from being happy and healthy!

these are the cutest smileys I have ever seen thanks trouble

The problem is more complicated than you may realize. Loneliness is a drag. It tears art us becasue we are not like Lizards which are at best Semi-Social. What is worst is we all want familiar ground. Ground that is safe. Now safe ground and trust are different but they likewise are also the same thing.

We are supposed to trust those closest to us. it is part of social nature. It is also how a functional relationship works. Unfortunately there are good people and bad people and bad people lie and do anything to look like they are wearing a halo but horns hide under the hair line.

Likewise when you got involved you compromised your self in ways that were unfair to you. When you broke up with your ex you probably in the back of your mind knew he was bad for you. Likewise it sounds like his parents are likewise toxic. Something about you probably made you want to know what you had with your ex was not a lie. When he fessed up your world shattered. Breaking up with your other LTR was overcompensation for you to deal with the reality of what could have been the truth but you didn't want to believe it for your self. When you did find out the truth you now are falling into a self hatred that can and will become self destructive and overcompensating is one way that can happen.

Now granted I am guessing a whole lot here but it is one thing to accomplish things becasue you want to becasue it is what you are but you should never loose yourself to a relationship. If you can't be you in a relationship then you should not be in a relationship. But likewise having the guilt and fear complex whacking around the back 40 in your mind is not doing you any favors. This is a lot more than guilt and fear though.

What you are now in is a form of PTSD and the hardest part is looking at personal behavior and identifying the bad behaviors that are self destructive. You didn't kill anyone but now you are bearing a burden that really is not your own. This was way out of your hands. It was your ex who did the act and he has to pay for his deeds. But in a way you got sucked right into his world of lies and deceit and then right when you were about to love him unconditionally, that novel type love for a man wrongly accused it turns out he was really justly accused.

Right now the most you can do is look at yourself and admit you fuqued up and fuqued up badly. You did to yourself what you should not be doing. You didn't do bad. And YES VIRGINA SANTA CLAUSE DOES HATE YOU! (THAT IS A JOKE GOD DAMN IT!) Then pat yourself on the back, welcome yourself to humanity and an unfair life, drink a six pack of Bartles and James watermelon Wine Coolers, Shots of Jack Daniels and lemon slices, Absinths, whatever floats your boat (up to and including 4:20 cause any time of day or night is 4:20!) and after you go to bed when you wake up move on and start over from square one. Letting go is the hardest part. Part of letting go is finally admitting defeat. It is a sort of love surgery. You got to love yourself again. Until you do that you can never move on. Don't let a bad relationship foul YOU up!

That which does not kill makes you stronger! Also wisdom sometimes comes at a tragically high price. What you learned about people was expensive emotionally but it should not rule you either.

Are you the sum of what you are or the sum of what others make you out to be?

Really this is so complicated I could write an entire 150 page thesis on this but I tried to boil it down as simply as I could. I am guessing a lot here but in the end I do see self loathing a lot. you have to stop looking at your weaknesses as flaws. You have to look at the weaknesses as things to be made stronger or turned to strengths. The hard core Draconian view love as an emotional weakness. Thankfully I am Draconian but not hard core. I just think love is something we have to be very careful with.

And this song is for you...

http://youtu.be/dXGa__ECvnM

We all do!

I completely agree!

Fire don't go 'back' you've gone to far forward to go 'back'...

Andy...I've drank & smoked myself into oblivion long enough and have worked past the self destructive behaviors! I actually broke up with the other ex before reconnecting with the ex hubby and finding out the truth.

I can't deal with 2 idiots at the same time

I am trying to let go and that is what has drawn me into energy therapy with a holistic healer, but I have to deal with the root of the issues and it hurts. I was so out of touch with my emotions for so long sometime I question how sane I really was through all of this!

I just want to heal and move on without taking the bitterness with me! I have found love for myself (amazing how being single helps with that) like I have never known before and that gives me that strength to do what's right for myself.

Yes it is a very complex and dark situation and I realize how great of a family I really have and appreciate them for being good people! I was just so naive about bad people :(
I just hate feeling like an idiot & like I really didn't know what I married at all! Glad I divorced him for sure.


Indn...I won't go back to him. I would hate myself for it. I don't really care if he loves me or not anymore because he damn sure doesn't deserve my heart after all this!

isn't it great to know you've grown and no matter what you've gone through or how much you've loved someone, you know when it's time to say "no more".. Good for you Fire....

ok, i have not experienced something like this but, i like what this guy said, and to maybe add a helpful suggestion: stay single and go in the old shed in the backyard and dig your old bucket full of ideas and goals you may have wanted to do but put off or forgot in the midst of your unfortunate experience. i tend to be a loner and after my ex tore my world apart i kept wanting to go back, regardless of what everyone said, but my point is i had lots of thoughts and ideas in my bucket and after digging around in the bottom i found a couple good ones to get my life moving, and because they were from my mind it helped me feel confident about myself and see past my ex. hope this helps, good luck!

i didn't need and drugs or alcohol to feel better, so take that part back :)

Fire....firstly, a GIANT hug for you....for a multitude of reasons.

and I want to share the reasons if ok with you....

by sharing your story, you open up to feedback..... and in this medium, a fairly safe one...we cannot confront you on the street, we cannot take anything away from you, in you sharing your story.


ok.....are you ready for some tough loving?...if not, then stop reading now...


How is it that you decided for yourself, that you are so incredibly astute and can see the future...and when you didn't....somehow that was shameful, somehow you failed you, your friends, your family?

What do I mean by that?...How on earth did you arrive at the idea somehow you are responsible for your ex husband's actions?

Darling, beautiful lady....you did not know, nor could you have, that what occurred, would....and yet, somewhere in there, you have decided to share the responsibility.

I do understand the sense of betrayal, the horror.... that you loved, and shared your heart, your body and your life with someone who could murder another.

Lovely lady....your only crime was to love someone....and want to believe him.

and I know that you know this...

In our lives, as we mature, and grow, we learnt to accept responsibility for our OWN actions....we learn to forgive ourselves our own flawed human-ness and MOST IMPORTANTLY we let go of what is not ours.

It's time to let go of the past experiences, there is no need to carry them any further, and I feel you are moving towards that.

Be gentle with yourself, honour the woman that you are today, forgive the woman that you were, she knew no better...and stride out into your life, an amazing and worthwhile woman with so much to offer the world.

I apologise if I sound harsh....it is not my intention to.

Lee you are so profound.. I know your background so it gives you more insight than most but WOW nice.... I'm in awe....

Joy....I need your sensitivity here...I was not too hard on Fire was I?

I so hope not...

No darlin' you were not.. You were honest and clinical but that is your profession... Harsh was definitely not part of your post...

Anything sounds good but the self hating has to end somewhere!