So, everytime my ex writes to me that he 'thinks' about our daughter everyday, I want to puke kind of, and yet I am thankful he AT LEAST thinks about her too


She will be four in April, he hasnt seen her since she was 1 1/2 and he has sent maybe a total of 600 dollars , although he does send cards and clothes on holidays and birthdays. He lives in another country and isnt willing to come here after he finally found someone who would sponsor him.

I tire of him feeling like the victim when I know if it was important enough he could be here. He has no job (retired) and no other kids or close family or friends there.

I know this because he expressed numerous times while we were together how he preferred to not be bothered with others, he was a victim then too because he was so alone.


How can I tell him to step up or stop complaining without alienating him, the ONLY contact I have with him is when he contacts me through email or messenger? I do want my daughter to at least have an opportunity to know her dad, and his culture. At the same time, I dont really trust him as far as I can throw Roseanne Barr.

harsh? no I don't think you are harsh

but as you are divorced, I don't think you can tell him much of anything

to me, divorce means divorce - period.

I know some think differently - but I have seldom seen anything good come from divorced partners involved in each others lives...especially on that intimate a level of trying to tell him how to behave, think or feel

-my opinion is not likely to be the most popular, but it is really how i feel

I do agree it's good that he asks about his daughter but he is fortunate that you allow him to.

now that she's getting a little older, you could suggest they share some planned time on web chat such as skype? they seem to be strangers to each other and maybe the reality of getting to know his beautiful little girl would motivate him to be more involved.

a hard reality, i hope he realizes what he is missing.

that seems a good suggestion for something constructive

That doesn't sound harsh at all. It's not easy to be understanding in that kind of situation. If he wants to be apart if his daughters life, then he's the one that needs to put out the effort how he's able to. I've asked myself the same question a few times to and came to the conclusion that even though I know it's tough on my daughter to not have her father around, he hasn't made too much effort with phone calls either. I just need to provide as much stability for my daughter that I'm able to and with each day that passes, it does get a little easier for the both of us.

And to think that 50% of your daughter's DNA is made up of his.

What a bummer.

How did you get so lucky as to mother the child of this loser?

I hope that at least he is very good looking.

Hm. You are saying something.

I think Msharmony's situation is a bit more complicared.

In my marriage, I was the beneficiary of this kind of situation. My youngest stepdaughter was always aware that her natural father was really no kind of father at all. When she realized that she had spent more nurturing time with me in her life than her own real dad, she decided that she wanted me to be her dad. I've sometimes wondered how I got so lucky.

I guess that doesn't really address the question. I care nothing for blood ties. I was an adopted baby and so were some of my favorite relatives. There has never been question in any of our minds as to who are real dads are.

I think MsHarmony's ex-partener should be treated as irrelevant. No need to fight with him. (I don't think that's MsHarmony's nature, anyway). Just be firm.

I like this post artlo

blood ties with my children are very important to me, but sometimes the "family members" we are closest to are not related by blood - blood is not n entitlement - this is not the 18th century

it's good if we can having a loving family with our bloods but the term family can mean many things- love does not require blood ties

Unfortunately some people never grow up.

my opinions have often not been the 'popular' ones,,lol

thanx for the input

oh, but that I could. unfortunately, we have a history of him being a bit emotionally unstable , to the point of putting spyware (or whatever its called)on my computer when he would visit so he could watch my every keystroke after he got back home and posting my name and phone number online to others. He can be vindictive when he feels hurt so I dont want any cameras or anything like that on my computer because I feel too vulnerable to his mood changes and the things he is capable of when he is throwin his tantrums.