Once again. Please feel free to contribute.

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."



"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"



"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"



A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"




The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."



A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."



Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."





Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"




A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."



A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."


A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"



"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."





A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."



A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"





A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"



A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."



A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."





The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."




"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."



A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

'Dr. My wife has disgusting habits.'

Two Blondes With Hammers...Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work
On a Habitat
For Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach
Into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or
Nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing
Those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
Have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
Defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

*******************************************************************
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie
Waiting for the movie to start ?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

*******************************************************************

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
Index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
Your finger?"
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
Thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself
In the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to
Get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud
Noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage,
And three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.

*******************************************************************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
Repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He
Told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the
Dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
Blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
And still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into
The tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like...HELLO!
You need to roll up the windows first."

*******************************************************************
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She
Was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to
Ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot, and cold
Things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
She replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."

*******************************************************************

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter ?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
Mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I
Have a better chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks
Out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. I just received a horrible call from my sister.
Her mother died, too."

"Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a camping set!"
"Whoa! Calm down, you look like you're two tents!" (Instead of tense)

"Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a Roll of film!"
"Hmmm... Let's hope nothing develops..."


(Both of my jokes involve accidental ingestion... weird.)

hey uk, just wanted to contribute (not blonde/doctor) jokes, just got them this morning in an email.....thought they were funny and wanted to pass them along.

LMAO.

No problem cat. But you could have posted them in the Blonde thread


Forgot to finish that last one of mine.

"Dr. My wife's filthy".
'What do you mean. Filthy?'
"Well. She's disgustung."
'Disgusting? In what way?'
"Well every Friday night, when I come home from the bar, I want to take a dump in the sink and I can't, because it's full of dirty dishes!"

lmao!!!