When my son died my husband and I cried and held each other, My husband
then stopped crying, talking and laughing. I could not understand how he
turned off his emotions and I started to hate and blame him. He on the
other hand went more into himself. I was so caught up in myself that I
lost him. I could never go back to the way it was before. I was feeling
more alone than I had ever felt in my life, I now had to move forward. I
now know that parents each suffer a special burden at the time of loss,
but even in marriage, each parent must seek and find support in his or
her own way. It is difficult for parents whose agony seems to be
crushing their every breath to be thoughtful, compassionate, and
supportive of anyone else, including each other. We need to recognize
that grief is not a time when you can lean on your spouse or your
children.

Give each other the space to individualize your sorrow. From the moment
a child is born, parents feel a sense of responsibility. When your child
dies, you blame yourself because somehow you failed in this most sacred
trust by not keeping your child out of harms way. You feel that your
child's death somehow resulted from a failure on your part. Anger often
mixes with this guilt and it is not always clear where to direct the
anger and rage you feel. My first reaction was it should have been me,
not my child and the other reaction was how can that one be having a
child, she is not as good a person or mother as I would have been. Why
God can she have all these children and my child was taken. So many
questions, no answers. A baby shower was the worst thing that you could
ask me too. My anger and hatred was so deep that I constantly thought
this is not fair. Why them and not me. Who could be happy for someone
else, when so many emotions are running through your mind. I have been
told by other parents who lost children that they are angry at the child
for going away and leaving them with all this suffering. I have also
heard and felt that a new child in the family was the worst thing that
could happen to me. How could I feel joy for them and their new child
when I was so unhappy. As soon as these thoughts surface, however, the
guilt they produce pushes them back inside themselves. Confusion is
another emotion that we deal with. When all these emotions are vented in
a safe way, anger can and is a healthy emotion. Anger is essential to
express without causing danger or harm to yourself or others. Some
people feel better if they can make a lot of noise. One mother told me
she could not stand being alone and quiet. Some people feel better if
they have a lot of noise around. It is understandable to feel tremendous
anger toward God for the tragedy that has fallen on you. I would go to
Church and cry all the way through Mass. Write a letter to God
expressing your anger, with time you will come to realize that God did
not cause your suffering but rather suffers with you. I wrote many
letters to God during my grief and then would sit with a big ashtray and
burn them. It made me feel better that no one would see the terrible
thoughts and feelings I was having towards God, but burning them also
gave me a sense of freedom.Keep a journal, express your outrage, your
guilt, your fear. Whatever you are feeling, it will take time to work
through all the powerful emotions of grief. In the meantime, be gentle
with yourself. Allow others to help. Try to find a trusted and
understanding friend, tell them how you feel, share your fears, grief
and feelings that you think are utterly stupid. You will have found the
right person when you can say over and over how you feel and that person
just listens, cries with you and then reaches out to you. No one will be
able to take the pain away, but for someone to just listen helps you to
hear yourself also.

More to come as it comes to me...
Good day
P. Christopher Jade