Lately I've been told that I'm closed minded and need to open up to others. I've always been a better listener, and never liked talking about myself. It's not from a lack of confidence - I just don't like being in the spotlight. Matter of fact this dilemma has cost me 2 relationships. I'm just a quiet guy, a thinker, and being reserved has done me no good.

Any help for me?

Thanks....

Well you could practice opening up on mingle.

You could go to the used bookstore and get a self help book on the subject for almost nothing.

Take small steps.

Mingle is a great place to start. Even if it is just letting people know the simple little things about you. Then when you meet someone and become committed maybe the bigger things won't seem as being such a big deal to you.

jmo.

I can help...I'll need a sharp utensil...please, lie down...relax...this will only take a minute...

You could try this approach.

Yes...be you. If you are a quiet person who chooses to listen, and think deeply, so be it....and leave the superficial judgemental so and so's to their own direction...they are not you.

You are.


...and by being you, it 'cost' you two relationships?....what did these people think they were getting?...a shallow flippant gregarious superficial chatterbox?

Their loss...and your gain...you have got out from under two not-right-for-you-relationships with a portion of your sanity intact...well done!


Enjoy the time of solitude...embrace the time to learn you, to be you, and to appreciate your uniqueness.

I do like to listen, but I need to learn to step up, and speak up. It's not that I have nothing to say, its a matter of putting it out there. To voice my opinions and thoughts, to share them, rather than bottle them. It may seem like a small issue to those on this site, but it has caused some serious strain in my personal life. It sucks losing somebody because you failed to open up in their opinion. I need to figure out what I have to offer, and how to properly present these qualities.

Thanks for listening and being involved.

Seriously, take it from someone who feels the same way, don't pressure yourself to open up because if you do, you may end up pouring it all out to the wrong person.

The right people won't require you to lay yourself bare in a day. They will let you share yourself little by little, until before you know it, they know you inside out.

When I first joined this site, I didn't care to put up a picture, because I value my privacy too much. Now some people here have me on their facebook.

In a nutshell, you can still listen, be quiet, but open-minded. Share your thoughts because you feel like sharing and not because you have to.

If I am getting you right, then I think there is nothing to do, but do it. I can't say I had a similar issue, but I did think at one time that it was difficult talking about difficult stuff (damn I should have been a scientist with that reasoning ). Anyway, to try to cut myself short, what I did was this: I'd ease my way into it, except it was rather awkward.

It could go something like...

Me: I want to say something.
Person: yes.
Me: Well there is something I've been thinking about.
etc etc

My point is, when you do open your mouth, don't think it should all come out neat and ordered like it is in your head, don't try to get it all out. Start small, one word at the time. Remember, use pauses, they are great for people to think about what you say, and for you to think about what to say next.
Don't be afraid to say, scratch that, I didn't mean it, or any such thing.

My guess is you're like to do things right and the first time too, but talking just isn't like that, at least not before after a lot of practice and still it's a game of cards to make it hit the spot. But that's not what's it is about. Just do it, a little bit at the time, and that will slowly get you used to it. It's like getting used to cold water, in the beginning you think your nuts are gonna fall off, but if you keep moving eventually it'll actually feel okay.

And don't mind rambling. I just did this post to prove that point...

To expand upon what himself said...

If you are a listener, then when you hear something it must raise or spark a question in your mind.

Use that question, toss it out there. Then sit back and listen for a bit before throwing out your own ideas. If you don't feel comfortable with that, maybe you have another question that came to mind.

Point is, you can show interest by listening and just asking a question. When a question is answered in such a way that you feel comfortable giving your point of view, don't hesitate. Just do it. This was you are true to yourself while opening up and showing interest at the same time.

What you need is an icebreaker that you are comfortable with. Ideally, try to direct conversation toward something you are passionate about. You need to use those questions to feel out how you wish to connect with her on a common level.

Try heavy drinking.........there is no shutting up a drunk.

Consider this....we are who we are. You are a full grown man with an established and ingrained Identity that cannot be changed even if you wanted to.

Those two relationships.....were predestined to fail. Want and desire has nothing to do with successes of la amore'. Apparently you got lucky enough to hook up with a couple of chicks who wanted you as long as you would change who you are to become what they wanted.

You may be cool. You may be a total douche. I donno. Point is. All you can do is be you...if that aint good enough for whichever hosebag you are trying to hook up with...so be it. You can want a chick all day long but in the end...if the two of you cannot accept each other for who you are....then it will end in failure everytime.

So we continue to pick through the cow pies of humanity in search of the one sprouting the magic mushroom that will get our spirit high.

In order to make change within yourself.....and only because it is something you want to do

1 make a plan of action

2 institute said action

3 assess the positives and negatives of said action

4 change what you don't like about action and keep what you do like

5 implement any said changes to actions and repeat

Be yourself.......and know that introversion isn't a crime.....I am intrverted and introspective at times and a good listener.....my friends seek me out often as a sounding board.....and for a different perspective.....when meeting new people I am extremely introverted to the point I won't speak at times........

Thanks for the advice. good stuff.