i was adopted at a yung age so never knew my birth parents. i recenty found my birth dad an he is in jail on his 5th charge. he will b there until next july. should i contact him thru a letter wit no return address or jus leave it alone? so confused

Only you can answer that. One thought...would it be prudent to
have such a negative entity in your life?

Another...maybe limit contact at first and see if behaviors
change-because that just might be a positive jumpstart he needs
to change. I would take it slowly though...there could be valid
reasons why things turned out the way they did, and then it could
be you came upon this information now because it's the "right time"
as they say.

We, as you, don't know the whole history, so we can't really make
an informed decision, but I wish you the best.

it would be better write a letter with no return address

I would say leave it alone. Take it from someone who knows about having a dysfunctional family, your "natural" father is a total looser and will try to drag you down his path. I say stay away, as FAR away as you can. if he had his life together that would be different. 5th pass at Pokey Oaks Detention Center for Bad Boys? LOOSER!

Don't allow yourself to get sucked into his BS. he will try immediately to find familiar ground with you and pull at your heart strings. Then he will ask you to do questionable and illegal stuff for him. In this case it is better you not know who your parents are more for your own future! Its your life, not theirs!

another thot is.. wat if i do tht an then i never knw wat his response would be?

thts sound advice andy., but... i have no desire to make face to face contact at all. just via mail. i have read reports of wen he had me an he sounds like he mite have cared a lil about me thn but also he was never around at all. the birth mom had me

Like the others, I would urge caution. But if you feel the need to communicate, I would reccomend renting a PO box. That way you can limit his ability to find you if you decide that you don't want to pursue the relationship

i actually did thnk about tht at one time!

I did not meet my biological mother until I was forty. I tried from the age of 16-39 to find her and each time I would get close, something seemed to happen that would push me further away from her. Perhaps the timing was just off (shrugging shoulders).

Anyways, I did get to meet her and I made sure I took along a camcorder. My mother knew nothing of me. She refused to even believe that I was her daughter when I stood in front of her. She still believed that "her daughter" was six months old (the last time she saw me).

So, you may want to keep this in mind if/when you write to your biological parent. He may not know anything about you and more than likely he's still stuck in the past. Try not to have any kind of expectations about his responses (if he will have any).

You can always play it out under the guise of seeking information about your genetics (ie Is the family genetically prone to certain illnesses? If so, which ones? etc.) Oh, and remember, you can rent a post office box specifically for your mail to go to without listing your actual physical address. This way, IF your Dad decided to ever come looking for you he will only have the name of the town.

Keep yourself safe until you build trust. IF the man wants a relationship, you have extended your hand and it will be his prerogative to pursue it or to walk away from it. Just remember, he's human too and we are all prone to mistakes.

I guess what I'm saying is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. That way, no matter what happens, you will be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck to you.

thanks!!

I myself was adopted at birth so I never knew my birth parents and for myself have never really gave it to much thought of should I or shouldn't I and I believe I've turned out pretty well and I guess it's one of those to each his own type of thing. But like was all ready said knowing any family health issues is a good thing to know specially when it comes to your own well being. Good Luck.

<<<----- Similar situation but many years ago (sort of). He's your dad, he's been in trouble, never been a part of your life, he feels bad about that, can never take back what has happened in the past, loves you, wishes he could express that, will live in pain for the rest of his life without some kind of contact with you because you are most likely in his thoughts every DAY of his life, needs your acceptance and love, you may be all he has, and could be his salvation.

My advice to you is to take it slow and get to know him. Once you know him you and only you WILL know how much further to take it...

Honey, I think if it is in your hearts desire to contact him- I suggest you do it. However, I think if you write him, give him the courtesy of writing you back. You never know what will develop of your relationship and I am guessing by writing him you will have unanswered questions you will present to him. He will have no way to respond without an address. Make sure you plan for the worst and hope for the best. Good Luck.

BTW- My father died when I was four, my mom passed when I was 31 and I never got the chance to meet either of them. I was raised both in the foster care system and by an adoptive family. If you have a chance to write him now and you wish to do so, then go for it. you may not be able to reach him later if you change your mind.

why hasn't he tried to find you? What about your real father who raised you? How does he feel about it?

When adopted children seek to find their birth parents it's important to rmemebr who was really there for u - day in & day out - jmho

but if it were me - I'd let it go cuz I'd think if it was important to him, he'd have tried to find me, and also set a better example with his life

but you gotta do what you gotta do punkin

hmmmm......


What did you hope to discover from 'finding' your birth father?


How did you find your birth father?


A genetic curiosity is natural...an understanding of 'who' created you....who you look like, sound like, laugh like....all questions inasnswerable until you find your birth parents.

He is who he is....whether an ex con, a priest or the president of a country.

Depending on what you want from him, depends on what actions you take.

a letter with a mailbox address is surely not dangerous to you, or your adoptive family...and allows for a return, a response or reply.

like all relationships....no expectations, no obligations....don't build yourself up to expect anything....and you won't be disappointed....hard I know, after however many years of wondering....but keep your feet on the ground, and your hopes and fantasies tucked away...and you may learn what it is you need to know.


yes, I'm also adopted..

i thnk im gonna write him an get a P.O. box so he can write back

my mom and dad divorced when i was 1 and i have only seen my dad a few times in my life (last time was when i was about 16).my mom has always told me there is no way she would ever try to stop me from contacting him and she wants me,my brother,and my sister to all get to know him better but i have never found out how to contact him.i have finally got to meet one of my dads brothers and have been in contact with 2 of my aunts on Facebook



i say this because the choice is yours on whatever you should do but i do suggest contacting your dad

cant imagine what it must be like for you..but I guess your birth dad is gonna be there for a while..so dont hurry any decision...hes not going anywhere and you have that advantage...

take it easy..join a support group, seek spiritual conseling..make sure you are emotionally and spriritualy strong enough before you attempt any contact.

good luck

Give it some time. The time to contact him, if ever, is when you are a little older, wiser, and not feeling confused about what to do. You are setting yourself up to get hurt in a big way if you push it now.