I appreciate the sentiment. I may not be alone in WHAT I am going through, but unfortunately I AM alone in going through it. It is during times like these that I rue the decision to be so damn independent, translated reclusive.

It does help to know that you've endured the suffering just as I have and that you've somehow managed to not only survive, but thrive with a successful life. I hope I too someday reach that goal, not only for my sake, but for my father as well. He might not have seen it while he was here, but perhaps he'll see it nevertheless.

And he has visited me in my dreams, quite often actually the first few weeks after his death. Unfortuately, they were centered around his illness and passing and not happy memories. I'm hoping that will change over time...I would be thrilled to see him smile one more time, even if it was during REM!

Thanks for letting me know I'm not going nuts!

They say that grieving gets easier with time, so perhaps I'm doing this wrong...

It's been three months now. I went to the grave to honor my Dad for Veteran's Day as he was a Navy man and a firm believer in the military and the freedoms they provide to all of us. His gravestone had been placed a few days before so it was the first time I saw such a permanent monument of his death. It made it real, and it was nearly impossible to leave him there. I cried the entire hour trip home.

Upon arrival, I found my birthday card from my Mom waiting for me in the mailbox. I opened it early and just lost it. Seeing that card without my Dad's writing on it sent me into uncontrollable sobbing. I'll never hear another "Happy Birthday" from him and I don't know how to cope with that! I miss him soooooooooo much! No more Sunday phone calls to talk baseball or recap the Bruins game. No more boasting to him about acing my exams and hearing the pride in his voice when he tells me how proud he is of me. No more "I love you K...it'll be alright!" when I'm struggling with my difficult life, which is even more difficult now than it's ever been.

I just can't seem to shake this sorrow and pain from overwhelming me the majority of the time. I do what I need to do, the basics to maintain some form of normalcy, so I'm functioning, but I swear it's on auto-pilot. If I'm not losing it, I'm numb. Happiness seems so far removed from my world that I wonder if I'll ever recognize it again...

you will, and if it helps to talk about it, keep posting on here. we are listening