Haven't done any of the above. I guess I'll just be happy for him; take that he didn't invite me in stride.... unconditionally accept his choice; and, that's why I don't feel it's right going because I had to bring it up.

The problems have to stop somewhere, so why not now? Your son is only going to get married once so I think you should go. I know that you keep saying you are hurt but when you go to that wedding...keep all of your feelings out of this...this is your son's day, not yours!!
Obviously you guys have lots of problems IF you don't keep in touch with your son. IF you still talk to your ex but not your son...something is not right!! You keep saying that your son holds resentment, sometimes as parents we need to make the first move in making a relationship stronger with our children. STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD AND BE AN ADULT...SUCK IT UP AND KEEP DOWN THE DRAMA!!!!

Well here is my 2 cents. First, it sounds to me like your son has the resentment issues and needs to grow up a little. It could be all the years from hearing bad mouth about you from others. Second, now that you have been invited, ( even if it is a self invite, so what ) go and be the grown adult role model for your son. You have to get to the root of your anger and get past it. Decide what is more important, being angry or being at your son's wedding and showing the rest of the world you are the better person.

Okay ... I understand that, as his mother, you naturally want to be there when he gets married ... that said, I also understand the enormous hurt that NOT being (a) told or (b) invited was and is. I'm pretty basic: He could find a rolling donut and ... well, you know the rest. Y' don't DO that kinda stuff to your mom. Period. End of story. It's WRONG. Whatever the story behind your divorce is, that's between you and your ex. If HE has problems with it, HE needs to resolve 'em. The way this was handled (and sounds like it's still being handled) is just wrong on so many levels ... You'll find the solution that works for you and I know that, but for this to even have risen to this level in the first place is unconscionable. So, there's my $0.02 ...

I'm kinda in the same situation, the divorce thingy, if my son did that to me, only invited me after the fact, I wouldn't go, I'd still love him like I know you do, but just to teach him a lesson, he will think about it on the day of the wedding and be sorry that he did not invite you, then he will say he's sorry, hopefully, and you will say, Son, it's ok, I was there in spirit, I love you still, we all make mistakes. Now maybe you will let me be part of your life a little more.

Yeah, that's a great idea. (said with massive amounts of sarcasm) Punish him. He'll come around in no time.

To the OP: My guess is that you deserve some of what you're getting. However, your son is probably immature and does not understand how hard it is to be a parent. He will understand better one day. In the mean time you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself. Go to the wedding and quit whining.

Sorry if that's too blunt, but if you want someone to tell you what a poor victim you are, you should go find a girlfriend and tell her.

well since you asked what to do....

your son has invited you to his wedding and that to him will be his most special day so as his mother you are supposed to act like one and go to his wedding and be the most perfect Mother in the world there...

you are to greet all the guests as if you are most happy and most happy for your son ...if the father is still living and attends the wedding up you are supposed to treat him and his significate date or spouse as if they are Gods...you can always kill them after ways ...just kidding..er..maybe ...

whatever your son's wife disagree to for example that the color of the table cloth looks white instead of birch or some simular nonsense like that since the wedding day is also her special day you are suppose to agree with her and calm her down and tell her that you will help her survive this horror

all those that knew about the wedding and didn't tell you do not hold it against them play like it never happen and treat them as if it never happenned and do not discuss it with anyone unless and only if it is with your son and only in private and not at the wedding ...if your son never bring up this situation then you are to never bring it up ever again forever ...if you violate any of this rules you will ruin his wedding...unless that is your intentions to do so ..in which you will receive a spanky spanky

in other words...if you truely value family....then go to the wedding with out starting any sh_t......oops I meant Drama ...so remember your only goal on your son's wedding day...is to be the most perfect mother in the world ....you may find that his attitude may change about "whatever" are between you two

There obviously is a rift of some level between the two of you, and if he wasn't sure whether you'd attend obviously he feels it too.

If I were you, I'd take this as a golden opportunity to heal it now.

It doesn't matter how old they are, our children will always be our children.

I can imagine it would hurt like hell... Good points were made that there are underlying issues and you should probably begin to deal with them "after the wedding"... It sounds like you left him with his dad.. I could be wrong but if you're living in another state unless he moved back at 18 or you left when he was 18, that's what appears to me.. That in itself will give kids the feeling of abandonment..

It can go very deep into how often you saw him, if he feels his father was done wrong as well as himself and that you were selfish.. So many things that cannot be analyzed by us... But the bottom line is that you were invited, you are his mother and you should be there as such.. You will need to be in the pictures, etc. Don't let his hesitation to invite you stop you from going.. Kids do things that hurt us at times like no one else can, be the "mom" and extend the hand and heart and show him that you want to work on your relationship with him.. Going to his wedding and offering to help with things, etc before hand will also show that..

If you don't go I would think it's going to put an even bigger wedge between you and him...

When the person above said "get over yourself" I don't think she meant it in a cruel way.. It was her way of saying-- This isn't about you, it's about your son, pull up your big girl panties and do what you need to do for your son as his mother and for your future relationship...

Very well put.

Sorry that this truely significant information came down the grapevine to you. You have a right to a good cry and feeling betrayed. This is a milestone in your sons life and you kind of tripped over it rather than having it shared in a timely way.

As a mother I think you had the first right to be accorded the loyalty and gratitude for bringing your child through the world wheather it was done perfectly ( or as most of us do by the seat of our pants and the best of our abilities but flawed at times) and been told directly and respectfully first. Notice I say told not asked that your son was getting married.

It is a shock I am sure. I wanted my sons happily married more than about anything else I ever wanted for them but it still kind of feels like they are leaveing us and is naturally tinged with pain even if it is the greatest match in the world. If you are not really expecting it it's easy to feel a little unhinged and fearful about it about it. I can remember thinking "whew they are grown now I can coast a little and get my bearings" and nope didn't happen.

Not knowing that much about the girl has to be kind of scarey. Being women we know better what other women are capeable of than just about anyone but a younger woman can be pretty intimidateing for sure. If she is the marrying kind that says something for her right there so at least it is a good start. As hard as it is remind yourself she probably will not be that different than you and what is good about your son was probably what she liked and will rub off on her as time goes by even more.

Unfortuneately now days weddings have SOMETIMES become all to often the purfey of spoiled brats, those who can afford the biggest production, soley about the bride and not the family, and an additional venue for family to stick one more thorn in the side of siblings, Ex's, or parents but not ALWAYS. Many wedding do end up about unity and blessing the promises the couple are making to each other AND I know this is shocking old fashioned to the family and community wheather it makes good TV or not. Sometimes Ex's do put aside their differences and actually find a way to begin the next stage of parenting as cival human beings. Yea it takes effort.

Sadly your son kind of dropped the ball. Yea this is a big one and it hurts like a baseball slam to the chest to be sure but try to keep playing. You can either torture yourself and him even more or chalk it up to being young and probably just kind of standing dumb founded as the wedding started rolling around him.

If he put it on Face book it is not like he was trying to hide it since most kids are smart enough to know parents look at that sort of thing.

He may have "told" other family members first not because he wanted them to know before you but because they are in his face more. Yea I think it is pretty crummy your siblings did not tell you immediately but some people are incredibly selfish, jealouse, or cowardly about being family. Kids need a united front not a lot of petty crap but you found out so maybe they thought you were aware.

Sometimes and I am not pointing fingers it can be what goes around comes around. If you have old issues probably not the time or place to address them if you love your child and want to make good blood with your future daughter in law and her family. Besides the best revenge would be to go and be the Lady that their actions did not give you the grace to be. Believe me sooner or later they will fall on their own sword. Seen it happen many times.

I would caution not to amplify this into something it might not be. Sons tend to wean away from Moms and not be real comfortable about discussing their love interests. Especially if love has delt you a painful hand. He may be more empathetic of "your side" in the whole love and marriage thing than you think and not harbor the resentment, at least to the degree that you are fearing. Some (many) kids are actually relieved that divorce actually happens and getting married can be a hard time to navigate because we still are stuck in the traditional two by two mode of parenting when most families have a more facetied situation.

I would encourage you to join into the celebration and go to the wedding. Yea as Mother's of the groom a lot of times we are afterthoughts but with kindness and enthusiasm a lot of bridges can be built in this time. Send the fiance a warm welcome and offer to work with out advice or a lot of questions. Do your best to attend in a supporting role. Yea this will be stressful so avoid alcohol, get lots of sleep, and take something pleasant, maybe a few extra bucks, to enjoy in the moments when you are feeling sidelined. And the natural let down of them being off in their little universe. Maybe a fun side trip on the way home or at least a nice night in a better class hotel. A little luxury for compleateing this stage of parenting. (NOTICE I don't say parenting is over because it isn't; that is a lifetime gig.)

Believe me it will not be the last of being the parent of and adult child. My loving and wise Mother in Law told me when my sons entered their twenty's after being really pretty easy teens to "be aware Twenty-Somethings were just two year olds on steroids and their mess ups and tantrums often need the same kind of handleing. You will prevail as a Mom. " And it has proved to be true. Hopefully you will have a breather between the wedding and babies or buying first homes or unemployment but one thing about parenting it is never dull lol.

I would consider going, be polite, but not stay the whole time. I would go to the reception for a brief time, leave after the mother-son dance, as there may be grandkids someday and I would want to see them and be part of the grandchilds life!
I would buy or make the most treasurable gift I thought they would appreciate to let them know I love them no matter what the circumstances are.
Good luck, hope things work out for all!

Oh, I've tried to stay in contact.... Drama? When is asking a question drama? It's responses like this that cause the drama. Thanks for your opinion.

I'm not even angry. Just hurt; he's my son; my family. Not a bit of anger over this.

Thank you SO much for your $0.02; that was probably the best $0.02 that you invested. I appreciate your insight; and, agree. It's not about anger for me; simply being his mom and him not having the common respect to invite me. No bad words EVER exchanged between us.... EVER.... I've tried to get to the root of his anger over the years; he's 30.

Thank you for your response. Greatly appreciated. You're right. I told him that he would be the one to regret this decision the rest of his life. It's his day; he wants it to be happy; and, I do, too. Not about even being negative or about his Dad and I not getting along. He simply shut me out. He's my oldest; my first son.... I'm his mom; and, he's getting married.

Not blunt; you're just rude. That's my opinion of your response; thanks for yours.

Thanks for your response. Ya made me chuckle. Yer funny. I'm not sure where anyone got the impression that I'm bitter or mad; I'm not. My son and I have never spoken harsh words. I'm not that way. I wouldn't try to ruin his day.... Like the spanky spanky part! You're funny!

I didn't move to New Hampshire until about 13 years ago; he would have been 17 when I moved here. He did choose to stay with his Dad because he didn't want to leave his friends. And, you're right; he probably did feel abandoned; but, it was his choice at 17.