in a potential mate then why are they so hard to find? I've been thinking that if most of us prize loyalty, honesty, sense of humor, yada yada yada, then shouldn't we possess these qualities ourselves? Soooo then, why are we single?

I'm going to hold off on my theory a bit and see what others think.

Just because someone thinks those things are important doesn't mean I won't find them intensely uninteresting or that she will find me utterly insane.

It is because most of us are picky to find that perfect mate that we have so much in common

I think that while we want those things in others we can't get past our own bagage to accept those traits in others at face value.

Hi M.

Hey C!

Seconded

My theory is that there are a lot of people who are afraid to come right out and say what it is they actually want, so they just say the same old boring cliched stuff that they think they're supposed to say, because that's what everybody else says, and there's safety (not to mention vapidity) in numbers. People don't want to be ostracized, they don't want to be seen as shallow and superficial -- they'd rather be seen as lemmings and plagiarists.

And I've made this point before: If there are really that many people looking for someone smart or funny or caring or blah blah blah, and the site is full of people who are smart or funny or caring or blah blah blah, then there would be more people getting together here than there are in reality.

So the way I see it, the ones who talk about loyalty, honesty, sense of humor, intelligence, and so on, are just putting up a smokescreen.

As for your question -- "why are we single?" -- I think a big part of that is simply because so many are being dishonest about what they're really looking for.

I believe it is simple. Whether or not we choose to be with someone hinges on the "it" factor. Is there a strong attraction? The rest comes into play after you decide there is mutual physical attraction.

it's obvious that it takes much more than that...

*sigh*

$.02

I believe this is part of the problem. People use these words but they do not truly understand their nature or really believe them.

...personally i find that altho most may admire these qualities they themselves don't have them, they have some twisted version of them,but pales in comparison to the real thing,they find ways of justifying their hypocritical actions,or find something or someone else to blame
..so i don't even bother i don't have time to weed thru the losers in order to find a good one ..jmo...

Don't ask for anything you're not willing to give of yourself.

Simple, isn't it :-)

Mutual physical attraction and enjoying talking to each other.

Those are the only qualifications I can think of for a relationship. The rest is icing.

Most are still more interested in the physical...when one is met with all those wonderful qualities we think we want, then were not happy with the "package" they came in.
We want those qualities in a specific height, weight, eye or hair preference, etc.
So we keep looking for those qualities in the preferred package...

attiude...
attraction..
attitude..
attraction
all levels
did I mention..attitude

Finding it wth attration, similar interests, definitions of the meanings of each and philosophies remains much harder then sying honesty - what does honesty mean to you (some its straight up bluntness...others a little lie to make someone feel good okay....and there is the definition of lying a what is a lie....or the ever if I do not remember it because I was drunk it doesn't count philosophy...just an example of different definitions.)
Maybe I like art and he likes bowling, maybe I like fishing and he cannot stand the sun or water.
Maybe I think he's cute but he has terrible breath and bo, never know.

I believe it is fear. We allow fear to come into the equation. You get yourself ready to ask a person out. This person has all the qualities that you want in a bf/gf. But then fear comes along and helps to stop you from asking this person out. Alot of people hate being rejected. And that fear gets the best of them.

Agreed. Sheep mentality and political correctness and just simply being afraid to really say what they are looking for is the problem.
Another problem is the lack of skills for communications and many are misunderstood. Also a fear about one's privacy

Just think about it. Our most private thing is our relationship with someone. It's 1 on 1 and this is the most certain thing that you would tell someone "It's none of your business" who I date or why. Who you talk to, or what you would talk about is something entirely opposite of what you talk to in public to a group of people. Especially people that you don't know who they are and what their background.

Right?

Also, I believe, all people are individuals with their individual needs and there is a given threshold that everyone has about another person. Some people have a wide threshold and they are easily get into a relationship with a wide variety of individuals, others have a much tighter, much more defined threshold and they filter out most of the people right off the bet and its very hard to gain their trust or fall into their category of who they are seeking.

Another problem is the lack of skills to express themselves. Since we do not have body language to display here, we are only communicating in a handicapped way. Smileys are only graphics and it's over used and misused many times and I'm not even gonna talk about for many not being able to really describe themselves only using words and sentences. So they end up copy/paste or write something they have read from someone else and assuming that's the "standard" , like a cookie cutter profile with a cookie cutter behavior. This can get so obvious and shallow, that even the most humble and understanding person will be suspicious.

Political correctness is another killer too, it's a tool used to suppress true feelings and remove any uniqueness and "police the mind" of everyone of free thought.

because one or both parties aren't physically attracted to the other.
or they live too far away.



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