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| Topic: The Poodle Conundrum | |
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So I found myself in a grocery store last week, looking at a bottle of a popular brand of dishwashing liquid. No, I don’t understand that, either; it just happened that way. Trust me.
Anyway, on the label of this particular bottle, there was a poodle looking out at me. I found this a bit puzzling, inasmuch as I could not come up with any immediate connections between poodles and dishwashing. My first thought was, “Ah, this company is appealing to the animal-loving masses by making a graphic claim to the effect that ‘This product is not tested on poodles.’” I was OK with this line of reasoning until it occurred to me that, for the most part, poodles are not dishes. (For purposes of discussion, I will ignore Sri Lanka and the several Canadian provinces in which poodles are used as dishes.) Well, then, what is the point of having a poodle on the label? When I was a kid, my Aunt April had a poodle named Mitzi. Mitzi was friendly enough, but difficult to do much with; this poor dog, for some reason, was perpetually vibrating at an alarming rate. You couldn’t actually pet her, because the vibrations created a rippling wave effect which would force your hand backwards. On several occasions, her oscillations were strong enough to levitate her off of the floor for several minutes at a time. I asked Aunt April about this. “She’s just nervous,” I was told. I wondered what a poodle had to be nervous about. Are they frequently audited by the IRS? Drafted into the military? Concerned about stem cell research? There was no way to tell. Later, it struck me that perhaps being a poodle was not an especially fun or easy way to make a living. I mean, look at them. All gussied up like a quadrupedal Parisian floozy, and for what? Probably best not to think about it too much. The thing that puzzled me the most was the little ping-pong-ball-shaped thingy on the end of the tail. That seemed to have no particular purpose, until someone explained to me that this would greatly improve their radio reception. A few years later, Mitzi disappeared. The official explanation was that she had been hit by a truck, but I’m pretty sure she managed to vibrate her way into a parallel universe. None of which explained why there was a poodle on the label of the dishwashing liquid. When I went back to the store, I discovered I had made a mistake. It wasn’t a poodle at all. It was a baby seal. OK, that makes a lot more sense. |
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Are you sure it wasn't shampoo?
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Are you sure it wasn't shampoo? No, it was definitely dishwashing liquid. Someone I know now has the same bottle in her kitchen. |
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Are you sure it wasn't shampoo? No, it was definitely dishwashing liquid. Someone I know now has the same bottle in her kitchen. Hmm, I just couldn't but notice the "poodle look" seems to be in these days. I believe it is some form or perm hairstyle |
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Gotta love it, I think your writing keeps getting funnier Lex
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Gotta love it, I think your writing keeps getting funnier Lex
Thanks! It's taken me a long time to get to the point where the things I write match up with the concepts in my head. I don't think I could have come up with "quadrupedal Parisian floozy" a year ago....! |
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So I found myself in a grocery store last week, looking at a bottle of a popular brand of dishwashing liquid. No, I don’t understand that, either; it just happened that way. Trust me. Anyway, on the label of this particular bottle, there was a poodle looking out at me. I found this a bit puzzling, inasmuch as I could not come up with any immediate connections between poodles and dishwashing. My first thought was, “Ah, this company is appealing to the animal-loving masses by making a graphic claim to the effect that ‘This product is not tested on poodles.’” I was OK with this line of reasoning until it occurred to me that, for the most part, poodles are not dishes. (For purposes of discussion, I will ignore Sri Lanka and the several Canadian provinces in which poodles are used as dishes.) Well, then, what is the point of having a poodle on the label? When I was a kid, my Aunt April had a poodle named Mitzi. Mitzi was friendly enough, but difficult to do much with; this poor dog, for some reason, was perpetually vibrating at an alarming rate. You couldn’t actually pet her, because the vibrations created a rippling wave effect which would force your hand backwards. On several occasions, her oscillations were strong enough to levitate her off of the floor for several minutes at a time. I asked Aunt April about this. “She’s just nervous,” I was told. I wondered what a poodle had to be nervous about. Are they frequently audited by the IRS? Drafted into the military? Concerned about stem cell research? There was no way to tell. Later, it struck me that perhaps being a poodle was not an especially fun or easy way to make a living. I mean, look at them. All gussied up like a quadrupedal Parisian floozy, and for what? Probably best not to think about it too much. The thing that puzzled me the most was the little ping-pong-ball-shaped thingy on the end of the tail. That seemed to have no particular purpose, until someone explained to me that this would greatly improve their radio reception. A few years later, Mitzi disappeared. The official explanation was that she had been hit by a truck, but I’m pretty sure she managed to vibrate her way into a parallel universe. None of which explained why there was a poodle on the label of the dishwashing liquid. When I went back to the store, I discovered I had made a mistake. It wasn’t a poodle at all. It was a baby seal. OK, that makes a lot more sense. PROFOUNDLY AMUSING!....from the "Amazing" Lex 
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Now I want poodle dishwashing liquid.
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Awesome write Lex, I'll never look at dishwashing soap the same again.
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I'm sitting here looking at my schnauzer
Trying to think of ways to market him for a few extra bucks!! Great write Lex!!!! This one I understood!!! hahah jk 
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Great write Lex.
I inherited my mom's poodle when she died, yeah, the luck of the draw. She had spoiled the silly mutt rotten. 
Would you believe the dog could only be fed deli chicken from one certain store and then it had to be cut into bite-sized pieces?? Yeah, well, ummm, after mom went into the nursing home the dog found out what dog food was. I know, "my bad." 
My granddaughter and daughter named her "ChiChi" -- then later found out it means "breast" in Spanish, well it is appropriate, after all she does act like a "boob" half the time. 
She hasn't learned to levitate yet, but does bounce up and down off the floor like a damn ball when I get home from work, really annoying. 
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Great write Lex. I inherited my mom's poodle when she died, yeah, the luck of the draw. She had spoiled the silly mutt rotten.
Would you believe the dog could only be fed deli chicken from one certain store and then it had to be cut into bite-sized pieces?? Yeah, well, ummm, after mom went into the nursing home the dog found out what dog food was. I know, "my bad."
My granddaughter and daughter named her "ChiChi" -- then later found out it means "breast" in Spanish, well it is appropriate, after all she does act like a "boob" half the time.
She hasn't learned to levitate yet, but does bounce up and down off the floor like a damn ball when I get home from work, really annoying.
Many years ago, I was involved with a girl who had a chihuahua, and that dog had the same vibrational issues. I've never seen a German Shepherd with that particular problem! |
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If you want a dog who...
* Is small, easy to carry, light and graceful, athletic and agile * Has a curly coat that doesn't shed (one of the best breeds for allergy sufferers) * Comes in a variety of colors * Is lively and playful * Is one of the brightest and most attentive of all breeds, so intuitive, and such a skilled reader of body language and expression, that he often appears telepathic * Excels at obedience and agility competition * Is usually very polite with strangers and sociable with other animals then get a dishwasher poodle
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If you want a dog who... * Is small, easy to carry, light and graceful, athletic and agile * Has a curly coat that doesn't shed (one of the best breeds for allergy sufferers) * Comes in a variety of colors * Is lively and playful * Is one of the brightest and most attentive of all breeds, so intuitive, and such a skilled reader of body language and expression, that he often appears telepathic * Excels at obedience and agility competition * Is usually very polite with strangers and sociable with other animals then get a dishwasher poodle
I'm still having problems with the whole "testing-on-animals" thing. "Hey, Pete, I think we've got the new dishwashing formula worked out!" "Really? Have you tested it?" "Yeah, R&D just did 5000 sinks full of dishes and it works great!" "OK, that sounds good. Now let's test it on some dogs." Is this how Oxi-Clean got started? |
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Poodles are smart but like to be spoiled too.
Their haircuts (about every 2 months) cost $45. My dog and cat will eat each other's food, so why buy separate food for them??? There is a constant power trip going on between her and the cat over who "rules the roost." But they also play and chase each other around the house. She did figure out quickly that if she jumped up in my friend's chair when he was in the kitchen getting food, that he would throw her a piece of food on the floor to get her out of the chair, so that is their "new trick" now. |
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Poodles are smart but like to be spoiled too. Their haircuts (about every 2 months) cost $45. My dog and cat will eat each other's food, so why buy separate food for them??? There is a constant power trip going on between her and the cat over who "rules the roost." But they also play and chase each other around the house. She did figure out quickly that if she jumped up in my friend's chair when he was in the kitchen getting food, that he would throw her a piece of food on the floor to get her out of the chair, so that is their "new trick" now. It took my ex-wife months to learn that one!
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Poodles are smart but like to be spoiled too. Their haircuts (about every 2 months) cost $45. My dog and cat will eat each other's food, so why buy separate food for them??? There is a constant power trip going on between her and the cat over who "rules the roost." But they also play and chase each other around the house. She did figure out quickly that if she jumped up in my friend's chair when he was in the kitchen getting food, that he would throw her a piece of food on the floor to get her out of the chair, so that is their "new trick" now. It took my ex-wife months to learn that one!
Some of us learn quicker than others. 
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Some of us learn quicker than others.
Why do the slow ones gravitate toward Illinois and Indiana? Followup concept -- since I discovered that the poodle is actually a baby seal, how about this -- A team of corporate executives, in suits and ties and full-blown businessman regalia, up in Alaska, hitting baby seals over the head with little tiny bottles of dishwashing liquid. Of course the bottles are too small to do any damage, so the seals just ignore the evil businessmen. But then Sally Struthers shows up and shoots all of the deranged suit-wearers with the gun that she learned how to fix many years ago by taking that Gun Repair class she used to do the commercials for. The seals are saved (although the only real danger was that a bottle might break and make them smell like Country-Fresh Breeze Scent or something), Big Business is thwarted, and Sally gets some kind of award and maybe some Arby's coupons. |
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Some of us learn quicker than others.
Why do the slow ones gravitate toward Illinois and Indiana? Followup concept -- since I discovered that the poodle is actually a baby seal, how about this -- A team of corporate executives, in suits and ties and full-blown businessman regalia, up in Alaska, hitting baby seals over the head with little tiny bottles of dishwashing liquid. Of course the bottles are too small to do any damage, so the seals just ignore the evil businessmen. But then Sally Struthers shows up and shoots all of the deranged suit-wearers with the gun that she learned how to fix many years ago by taking that Gun Repair class she used to do the commercials for. The seals are saved (although the only real danger was that a bottle might break and make them smell like Country-Fresh Breeze Scent or something), Big Business is thwarted, and Sally gets some kind of award and maybe some Arby's coupons. Absolutely genius!!! Careful, Lex, I may see a new career in your future, writing commercials for dishwashing liquid ads. And just think of the commission you would get on the sale of the dishwashing liquid, or maybe they would give you a "free" lifetime supply, hmmmm.  Nah, go for the cash!!!
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