I'm usually pretty good at this
The whole writing thing, I mean
I cut my teeth on pens and brushes
So yeah, I've got that down

It's the trusting part
I have trouble with
The giving over of myself
I've built up all these walls
To surround me, to protect me
To keep me from what I know will hurt

Years of fear and paranoia
And a sick attachment to the past
Have turned into rage and resentment
And a sick desire to be the first to kill
I love what I hate and I hate what I love
And right now it's destroying me

To go so far, it's hard to retrace
It's hard to recapture, it's hard to
Go back to what you used to want
If I let go of this armor
I fear you'll take your advantage
If I surrender my weapons
I fear you'll tear out my heart

Withered, black, and empty
As I appear to be
Underneath, that light is struggling
It's not completely gone
You have to be very close to see it
You have to really give a damn

I won't admit you keep me sane
I won't tell how much I love your way
Of loving me without expectation
Without rules or standards
Or anything everyone else says is right

I won't tell you how afraid I am
Of you finding your way to someone else
Someone not so ****ed up and damaged
Who doesn't say things she doesn't mean
Someone more put together
Who doesn't still live in the past

I won't say any of those things
Even though I truly mean them
I write them down and then I lock them away
A part of me knows it would change nothing
I know your soul is pure and good
I know you would never hurt me
But I just can't kick this trouble with words.

01/06/10

This is good Calleigh. I'll find my way back here when I'm not so tired. But trust me for now. Every down time has to be followed by a better way. Great poem, thanks!

\Your words are just perfect...

honest, open, I like this.

Thank you.

What a revealing and personal write...I too, wonder why I struggle with myself more than any other.

Peace within yourself comes with age. One of the few nice things that comes with age. But life does get better. You learn over time not to get down on yourself, to take life as it comes, one day at a time. And to always keep your interests alive. You can get outside yourself by helping others. This poem is helping others already.

Your expression was great,your mood is perfect, the captivating
lure to read your next movement in it,,,,excellent...
I also like,,,,,,nah,,,,,,"I LOVE IT",,,,,

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Loving this

Thank you.

This is ****ing fantastic, Calleigh!
I love this.
You had me hooked instantly... absolutely great. You rock. Seriously.

Thanks, I always appreciate your comments.

this is awesome awesome

That was great!!

Thanks, jimz and cherie.

I like it immensely. A lot of people can relate to this. Yup, I'm one of 'em. Nicely done!

Thank you very much.